Quotes...from the last 2 1/2 years

Random Texts

At least you don't have to have the sex talk with him. I'm putting it off.
And that is why I don't want a boy. No boners. Two are enough in this house.

I bought some cinnamon apple cheddar cheese.
That sounds disgusting. I'd rather lick my dog's butt.

Just crop dusted walmart. Smelled like rancid bacon.

Night shift is killing my brain. Made a chicken pot pie without the chicken last night and just now realized it.

I laughed so hard I farted and almost blew myself out of my chair.

Your mom likes ass play.
Maybe that's how she got butt herpes?
Sick dude.

You would think since I had like seven tacos and five pieces of banana bread today I'd be able to poop finally. I've been sitting here waiting for the same turd to come out for ten minutes.

I'll be there!!! Just to puss Erin off!
Puss?! I don't know what that means, but I'm probably not into that.

Every time I hear someone say "boo!" or "surprise" I want to follow it with "here comes my dick."

Night shift is making me much more relaxed about my hygiene.

I think there should be different levels of vibration for ur phone: slow, med, and high.
Um, that would make it a sex toy.
Only you would want your phone to stimulate you.

I can't poop. I feel like I just gave birth and I still have its twin stuck inside.

I drink wine and read porn and am good.

I finally finished pooping! I feel better now.
I knew you were full of shit!

I want to be a peddler of smut!
I think you already are.

I'm making you Paula Deen Mac & cheese. You'll have diabetes before you know it.

I feel like Eric Cartman. I'm pretty sure flames just shot out of my ass. No more mcds breakfast.

I need someone in charge of me to just tell me wtf to do. Preferably at the last minute.

Maybe they should call ur mom, she takes care of my needs just fine.

I cannot be preggo. I drink way too much alcohol.
Yep...that's how you get pregnant.

I have a booger etiquette question. The dude next to me just picked his nose and wiped it on his shirt. In this case he should've eaten it. Correct?
No according to your rules he should've eaten it. According to mine he should've discreetly placed it under his seat.

You probably have a big furry bush just like your mom's.

Neither of my kids have cough or cold symptoms. They're just assholes.

I ♥ Autocorrect

I threw frozen chicken and all the ingredients in bags and wrote like "grill 6-8 min per side" or "crock pot 8 hoes on low"
I don't think I could fit 8 hoes in my crock pot dude.

Ok, let me watch my crotch.
[much later...]
Are you still watching your crotch?
No, it wasn't doing anything interesting.

I'm sitting with my legs folder beside me.
If you have a folder of legs I am going to have to report you to the police.
Just some souvenirs of old patients.
Creep.

Fun at Work

A patient: My baby needs a bath. She's covered in vajayjay juice.

Another patient: Honey can you move that chair so I can wash my twat?

Autumn: I'm never going to breastfeed.
Kristi: Yes, you will. I will make you. I will grab your boob.

You know it's going to be a good night when you open the door and the first thing you see is a butt crack.

Shelia: I'm going to go to the Dairy Queen and f**k her up.

Susan: Balls smell like vinegar.

My nipples are hard because I just breastfed a baby, not because I think you're hot.

No, I don't want your P in my V.

Shelia (to one of the new residents): What kind of name is that?

Ann: That makes me want to throw up my rainbow cake.

J: Blake Shelton just looks like he is the type that picks his nose and eats it.

Other Funny Sh*t

Brian: I have to update my iPhone. The map has navigation now and apparently Suri is better.
Me: You have Tom Cruise's kid in your iPhone?

Me: Smell my foot.
Mallory: No I'm fine.

Me: I'm still itching.
Brian: You're probably allergic to your mouth...maybe you should talk less.

Brian (after spending 10 mins making himself an Old-Fashioned): I'm a f***ing idiot...I forgot to put alcohol in it."

Brian (referring to Eliza): She's going to play soccer.
Me: Why soccer?
Brian: That's all girls can do isn't it?

Brian (while watching the Walking Dead): If it came down to killing you or you being a zombie, I'd kill you first. We couldn't have a zombie that talked that much.

Zoe (my 4 year old niece): Night night asshole.

Me: You're going to be 32 this week. Do you feel old?
Brian: Well you're going to be like 60 this week...do you feel old?

Me: How did you get blood on another set of sheets?
Brian: I don't know. I guess my nose bled.
Me: You're like a girl on the rag.

Me (while watching Sesame Street with Mallory): She LOVES Murray and Ovejita.
Brian: Who DOESN'T?

Jenni: Thanks to Ryan for sticking it out.
Me: That's what she said.

Me: I should get to name the baby since I have to go through all of this.
Anthony: No, Brian should get to name the baby because he had to have sex with a girl.

Anthony: These shoes are ugly. They looked better in the closet.
Jehan: So did you.

Me: How old is Gizmo (his cat) going to be this year?
My Dad: 23.
Me: Are you having a party for her?
My Dad: No we're having a funeral.

Me (while leaving Mr Gatti's parking lot): I'm pulling out now.
Brian: That's what he said.

Me: How can you not think Chewy is cute? He looks like a teddy bear.
Brian: I had a teddy bear. It didn't f***ing smell like that.

Me: Mallory woke up and said "I need to pee pee in the potty." And she did!
My mom: I woke up and said the same thing! And I did!

Megan: Are you still talking to that guy from Chicago?
Anthony: No he is a d*ck...you are what you eat.

My grandma Mimi: That Taylor Swift looks like a squirrel.

Me: You're about as subtle as Miley Cyrus.

Anthony: Ladies, the hair is on point. Wait...did I just get gayer?

Heard on TV

Ben on Parks and Recreation: "life is short...why be an accountant?" (I agree)

Ellen Degeneres (while holding up a five year olds "giraffe" drawing that closely resembled a penis): "I don't know what this is, but I can honestly say I've never seen one of those."

Jeff Ross: Congrats to Kim and Kanye. It will be hard to deliver the baby though since she always has a black d*ck in her birth canal.

Jeff Ross (in regards to Justin Beiber smoking pot): I don't care how much pot he smokes, 420 is still his nap time.

Jase (to Willy): You look like a hairy marshmallow covered in blueberries.

Si (to Willy): You look like Rambo made love to a beaver.

You were flirting with the help.
I was not flirting. I was being friendly.
Yeah right...you were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face and you know it.

"Having children is like living in a frat house -- nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." Ray Romano

Will Ferrell in Anchorman 2: When you have an ass like the north star, wise men are going to follow it.

And Finally...

One of the best quotes ever. I thought of this randomly the other day, and it's still hysterical 16 years later. I was working at the Dairy Queen drive thru, when an extremely stoned dude pulled up to the window and said "Do you come with that number five?" I said "Not today." He replied, "Shhhhiiiiitttt....if you came wit dat it'd be a HAPPY meal."

The inspiration for my blog title

When trying to decide what to call my blog, I tried to think of a common theme in my life. I thought about being a mom, my career as an OB nurse, and my dogs...I suddenly came to the realization that it all comes back to poop. That's right--my life revolves around sh*t.

Surprisingly, the number one source of the crap I encounter on a daily basis does not come from my daughter or my patients but my two mangy, irritating little dogs. I am not saying they're not completely adorable (because they are), but it's hard to remember this as you're squishing a warm turd with your bare toes. The worse part is, it is not just poop. Over the years, I have come across some of the most horrifying, yet somehow, most hilarious things you can imagine. If you haven't stopped reading yet, I will assume you're not easily grossed out and give you some examples.

My first Yorkie was an evil genius. He was the Einstein of Yorkies. He could perform at least a dozen tricks on command. I had to spell more than 20 words because he knew what I was saying. With this fantastic IQ also came the ability to know exactly how to tick everyone off. You didn't give him a treat on time? Pee on your leg. You try to take a nap when he wants to play? Racquetball to your skull. He frequently found ways to distract me...he would ask for his water bowl to be filled, then I'd turn my back to find out he ate my cheeseburger. There was also an incident with Brian I'm not allowed to write about unless I want to be served with divorce papers tomorrow morning. Despite the many times I wanted to throw him into the wall, Shelby was the best dog who ever existed. There have been very few people who have made me laugh the way that damn dog did.

The first time I knew I was in trouble was when he was only 4 months old. I was working at Dairy Queen when I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He went to my place to let Shelby out since I was working all day. He opened the back door to find a rainbow smeared across the kitchen floor. Yes, you read that right. Shelby had climbed onto the kitchen table and tried to eat a box of Gobstoppers. You know, the jawbreakers that change color. Except Shelby didn't know you were supposed to suck on them to make them change colors. Instead, he licked them while they rolled across the floor, making yellow, green, red, orange, and purple streaks on every square inch of linoleum in my kitchen. When he got frustrated with the Gobstoppers, he decided to check out the table again--where he found a box of tea bags. He ate the ENTIRE box. I was convinced he was going to die, but all that happened was he didn't sleep (or blink) for the next 15 hours.

A few months later, I came home and couldn't find Shelby. He weighed about 4 pounds, so where could he go right? I had a huge kitchen and I had a gate up between the kitchen and the rest of the house. He was not in the kitchen. I immediately feared the worse--that someone had stolen him. Then I thought maybe a maintenance man let him out. While I am standing there, horrified, here comes a flying 4 pound ball of fur running through the living room and leaping over the 2 foot tall plastic gate. I was so happy to see him...until I saw the living room. The brand new, expensive berber carpet was ripped up in places with little "sprouts" sticking way up from the floor. There were several newspapers torn to shreds, complete with the black ink smeared on the now-destroyed carpet. A flower arrangement had been eaten then vomited up repeatedly throughout the room. Worst of all, my old tv was no longer functional as the cord had been chewed in HALF! Did I mention said tv was still plugged into the wall?

Shelby somehow escaped being electrocuted by the tv and murdered by me for ruining the living room and continued to wreak havoc on my life and house. One time, I picked up my purse & dumped it out on my bed to transfer it to a different purse and along with the lip gloss, pens, and cell phone came a rolling piece of dried up poo! To this day, I am still not sure how a short little dog got that nugget in there since my purse was hanging on a hook well above his height.

When Shelby was 3, he had a serious stomach condition and had to have emergency surgery. It cost so much it took me over 1 year to pay off the bill, but it was worth it. It made me appreciate his sense of humor that much more. And I am happy to say, by paying that bill, I gave him 8 more years to torture me.

Shelby was a brave little dog--unless you presented him with something NOT scary. He would take on Rottweilers, the vet, and the groomer like a champ...but keep wrapping paper rolls away from him please. One day when I was wrapping some Christmas presents, I had one of those giagantic rolls of paper out. When I used the last of the paper, I chased him around the living room with the roll up to my mouth saying "Sheeeeeeelllllllbbbbbyyyyy." He ran and ran until the crap came flying. I accomplished what I thought was the impossible: I literally scared the sh*t out of someone.

Shelby's favorite place to go "bye bye" to was my mom & dad's house. You probably assume it's because his grandparents gave him attention or treats right? Nope! It was because they have a cat, which means they also have a litter box. That dog could eat cat turds like it was his job. It was impossible to keep him from getting upstairs and getting in that box. Every time we visited, their house would end up covered from top to bottom in turds and litter crystals. Which has me wondering why the hell my parents kept inviting him back?

When Shelby was 7, Brian became a part of our family. Shelby had lived alone with me for so many years, he wasn't quite sure what to think about this arrangement. On one hand, he was happy to snuggle up with Brian to watch tv late into the night. On the other hand, he didn't like not having Brian's undivided attention. If Brian tried to play xbox, Shelby would jump at him and "punch" him with his paws until he got up. When that sometimes didn't work, Shelby would bark in increasingly louder intervals until Brian couldn't stand it anymore. If neither of those strategies were successful, Shelby would wait until he established eye contact with Brian, and then piss all over the floor to make it clear he would not tolerate being ignored. They had a love/hate relationship that brought me much amusement.

By the time Shelby turned 8, we introduced Porkchop to the family. Porkchop was a 3 pound miniature pinscher who quickly took over the house. She pounced on Shelby. She followed him around. She stood next to him and flung her back leg across him. He HATED her. It took close to a year for him to accept we weren't sending this creature back to whatever planet she arrived from. Finally, he decided to make friends. His definition of a friend was someone to help him in his pursuit to tear up things and slowly chip away at his mother's sanity.

Porkchop has never accepted the fact that she is a miniature pinscher. She maintains the belief that she is a full grown Doberman. At 20 pounds, this dog is surprisingly quite the hunter. She has caught moles, rabbits, even birds. I am convinced that most of the appeal in this hunting is not the catch itself, but in terrorizing me--her mother. Every time she catches a mole or a bird, she stands at the back door & flings its dead body into the back door over & over just to hear me scream. When she finally gave up, she would always pass the corpse on to Shelby, who would refuse to come in the house or drop the offending animal.

There have been more times than I care to count that I have had the living crap scared out of me when I've round the corner to find an unidentified gnawed on little body. I have found a mole so badly decomposed I thought it was a leaf, until I went to pick it up, at which point I screamed so loudly I am sure the entire street heard. I have found more than one bird, guts hanging out, strewn across the hallway. I have even heard commotion from across the house, only to arrive to see two dogs fighting over a chewed up worm they somehow glued to the wall.

They have always been smart enough to know if they are going to do something bad they need to do it in the other room...but they have never been smart enough to figure out how to do it quietly. One night, I heard a loud noise that sounded like a rock being kicked all over the hard wood floors. I went into the bedroom to find Porkchop and Shelby fighting over something. I broke it up (getting bit in the process), and reached over to pick up the rock. Wrong--not a rock! It was a FROZEN TURD!

Shelby continued to terrorize me until the day he died. He was still turning over trash cans to get q-tips the week that he got sick. I was devastated when I lost him, but it was time. He had a long life for a dog plagued with so many health issues. Porkchop took it harder than anyone. Night after night, she would stare at us and cry. She wouldn't lay down and sleep--just cry and pace. I had to have another Yorkie. Not just because I needed another one but because I thought Porkchop would get over her loneliness.

Enter Chewy. It was just like Shelby and Porkchop all over again. Porkchop hated Chewy on sight. She did everything she could to avoid him. That only lasted a few weeks until he learned to jump on the couch. She finally learned to accept him. He still lays on her back several times a day and chews on her ears. In a way, it's pretty fitting she is getting back what she put Shelby through for 4 years.

Chewy has taken over Shelby's job as partner in crime. Porkchop does the killing, he does the eating and/or sneaking the corpse into the house.

Chewy is much different than Shelby though. He is also very smart and very vindictive. However, he is more affectionate. Shelby was not a lap dog. He liked to sit by people, not on them. And most of the time, he preferred the floor where it was cooler. Chewy wants to be right on top of everyone. Loves to be held and gives "nibbles" to everyone. Which is why he enjoys bringing me "presents" even more than Shelby did.

The night before a big nursing test, I was in bed studying when I reached over to grab my notes, and almost put my hand on a SLUG! Apparently Chewy thought he would bring me an early Christmas gift! I can handle poop, puke, vomit, etc but a slug in my bed is where I draw the line.

Have I mentioned Brian has to pick up all this stuff? Like I said, I will handle baby or adult messes, but I don't do decomposed mole corpses or bird stomachs. Brian has received many calls at work with me shrieking about something the dogs have done. Or he has come home to find the dogs locked outside with me hiding inside. Somedays he can barely get through the door before I'm telling him "look what YOUR dog did."

I was really worried about handling two dogs with a new baby. But it's honestly been great. They are still a pain in my butt, but they love Mallory. It has been fun watching her grow up with them.

Update: 

I wrote this blog back in 2011, when Mallory was one. For some reason, I never published it. I guess that my intention was to add more to the story. Trust me, there is a lot more I can say about these dogs.

However, in the years have passed (as I have horribly neglected my blog), two more little beauties have come along. Not puppies this time...I am talking about Eliza and Juliet. Having three kids 4 and under along with two high maintenance dogs just wasn't going to work out.

Luckily, I found a new home for Chewy in a friend from my hometown. Chewy went to live with Danielle and her family in the fall of 2014, before Juliet arrived. It seems things are working out well, and I am so thrilled for him. And Porkchop seems thrilled to be the only dog. The competition has left the building!

Apparently since Shelby & Chewy both had such strong personalities, we overlooked the fact that Porkchop is an a**hole. In the weeks Chewy has been gone, Porkchop has suddenly become my biggest source of stress (which is saying a lot considering the amount of young children I have). She has barked nonstop, eaten out of the trash, asked to go in & out (for more barking) at all hours of the night, and most recently--she has taken to chewing on all the kids clothes and stuffed animals. So far, Mallory's dirty panties seem to be the most delectable snack.

As big of a pain as she has become, she is almost 9 years old, so she is sticking around. The kids love her. One of Eliza's favorite activities is lint rolling the dog. Brian started doing this to eliminate some of the loose hair in the house, and now Eliza can't get enough.

So for now, between two kids in diapers, my messy patients, and my increasingly senile Min Pin, I'll remain up to my elbows in sh*t. I'm back by popular demand. Keep watching for more classic quotes, which have been a work-in-progress since I was pregnant with Eliza, and a best of Mallory Renee collection. Thanks for enjoying my sh*tty life as much as I do!

August Quotes

Random Texts

My grandfather got those injections (for macular degeneration).
Worked really well...until he croaked.

I wonder if the faces on the divers diving is the same face as their @?%* faces.

I'm definitely pro gay. I love Christy's mom.

I'm going to name kid #2 Harlan in honor of Christy.

Kristi is knocked up too. Due a week or so after me.
You two are just horn dogs.

Who knew boobs could sweat this much. My pits can't keep up.

I like how we all say dude before and/or after every sentence.
I do like saying dude.
It's the ninja turtles that taught us.

The roads are all closed! Lake Reba is flooded too!
Lake Reba?! Wow that's when you know you're a hillbilly.
It's just down the holler from me!

Female bodies suck and are crazy. Though babies are a nice result from it.
I was questioning that yesterday when my child was biting me and throwing crackers at my head.

That lunch gave me gas.
Whew, I wondered what the hell was going on!

I've been reading 50 Shades and it is ridiculous. I have been non-stop wanting sex...and I don't even like my husband.

I scratched my cornea today looking at a card. I accidentally poked myself!
Why was the card even near your eye? Was it scratch n sniff?
It was stickers actually. Smelled like chocolate! Haven't seen them in years and couldn't resist!
Did you buy the stickers?
No.
See nothing in life is free....not even smells.

Had to cath a big lady today. Her business looked like it had chunks of feta cheese in it.
Did it make you hungry?

I need socks and panties too.
Woah. Seeing things. I thought my phone changed that to COCKS for a second.
If you need cocks I can't help you.

Did you know that there are lots of stray dogs in Moscow and they figured out how to ride the subway and memorize the stops with the best food?
That's pretty impressive. I can barely remember my address.
I pass up my own driveway sometimes.

I think I'm around 5 weeks. Prob got knocked up jun 30-jul 1.
You would be further along than five weeks. I got knocked up on the 11th.
Idk then. I don't make a sex calendar like you apparently do.

My husband made me mad so I just spent $170 on a floor cleaning robot.

I farted & it smells like those damn potatoes you like at taco bell.
Sick dude. Now I want potatoes.
I'm sick but you're the one who wants potatoes?

I had Wong Zone. It was delicious.
We're going to old Chicago where I plan to stuff my face. We get pepperoni rolls & $5 margaritas.
Does Wong Zone deliver to you? And why does my phone keep changing wing to Wong?
They have like 50 flavors.
50 margaritas?
Or 50 Wongs?
No one needs 50 wongs.
No one does, but I think Christy would try.

I had Wong Zone for lunch and Jalapeños for dinner. I'm going to take a monster dump in the morning.
Sounds awesome...
The food not the dump.

I'm tired. I NEED another frosty and I have the wedgie from HELL.

Why do chatty Cathys always call when u need to poop?

I wish she would retire her fake southern accent. I've been listening to it Since 7 pm & it's not sounding any more authentic.

I love my dog. I think it's weird how much I like her.

I want the bean n cheese one.
Me too but I didn't get it bc didn't want to wake up farting.

I think I took some lady night but head is stopped up so taking more.
You took a lady?
I don't want to know about this.

I'm picking my nose in the car. What should I do with it?
Smear it on the window.
What cracks me up is her grossing out about people eating boogers when she lets those nasty butt slurping dogs sleep in her bed.

All About B@@BS

I HATE wearing bras. I'll never be able to casually date someone because as soon as we walk in the door, I MUST rip it off.
I hate not wearing one because my boobs are almost non existent.
Mine apparently cannot be contained and bust out of every bra I have.
And you think that would be bad in casual dating? I think he'd love it. He'd be like free boobies! Yay - watch em bounce!
Maybe you should get refitted. Mine cut down on the flop factor.
It's not really the size it's because they sit up so high. I mean I can barely look down without hitting them with my chin. And they don't bounce. They don't go anywhere.
Mine hurt and I totally just grabbed one in public. Oh well, someone probably enjoyed it.

At Work

I don't know what to do with these. How about someone just shoves them up their rectum?

What are you doing?
Sitting here looking at meat.

Can you move that chair out of the way honey so i can wash my twat? (yes, a patient actually said this)

Other Funny Sh*t

Me: The Backstreet Boys are having a reunion tour. Wanna go?
Brian: Actually I've already seen them.

Mallory: Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!
Brian: Why do you keep yelling no? What does that mean?
Mallory: No means NO!

My mom to Mallory: Don't color the kitty's butt. Kitties don't like their butts colored.

Random boy at Monkey Joes: I don't see why she [Mallory] needs THREE pieces of chalk when we only have one.
Me: Because she is a girl and the sooner you learn to make them happy, the easier your life will be.

Brian: Ahhh I feel good today. I finally did what that bitch wanted and now everything is all messed up. Feels great to be right.
Me: Well I'm glad you get to be right at work at least.

Me: My log in still doesn't work. I give up. I'll just never have access to our bank account again.
Brian: Maybe that's for the best. Always assume there's zero.

July Quotes

Random Texts

Channing Tatum was hot though!!! I bet he's awesome in bed!

Either that or he takes steroids and has no weenie?!

We should sue cause it's a crime not to show that ass (in reference to Joe Manganiello). 

I'm going to hell. I'm so glad all of my friends will be there with me. 

Dang. Those little hoes need to simma down.

You still drinking beer with your gun?

My child has coccia virus or something like that! It's a form of hand foot and mouth! Highly contagious!  

I think Megan had a rash like that once but it wasn't on her belly. 

Hoes keep havin' babies. 

Your kid would eat poo if you mixed it with cheerios. 

Want a goldfish? I thought Zaine was going to lose but he ended up winning on the last ball he threw. Dammit. Is it bad that I was hoping he'd lose?

At least goldfish don't live long dude. 

I hope not. The last thing I need is something else that shits.

Titanic makes me barf. Just let go of the damn wood Leonardo...we're tired of listening to you.

You said wood. 

Andy Griffith died. 

Yeah he was old. 

Wait...was that insensitive?!

Tomkat is getting a divorce- who didn't see that coming?

I bet if Katie were a 33 yo dude things would be fine.

I am a lawbreaker.

And your husband is a law abiding citizen.

He's not always a law abiding citizen. Sometimes I corrupt him. 

TMI.

 

Omg. Stomach virus. 

Did you shit yourself again?

Yes.

 

I was pooping and when I stood up to wipe, my kid threw my shorts in the toilet...with the poop. 

I'm glad you guys accept me and my sluttiness. 

Mac and cheese balls? That sounds awesome. Anything involving cheese and balls must be good.

 

I am STARVING!! And sweating.

Yeah you smell pretty bad. 

Hey!

When do we need to go to the vagina doctor?

Not for a long time. You act like we've never done this before.

I didn't take notes.

I ♥ Autocorrect

Did you get Mammaw a UK cake?

I'm calling them to see if they'll change it. I wasn't thinking & asked for flowers that match the plates I got. 

She would like flowers. She doesn't care. She will be too busy yanking. 

Yanking? What kind of party is this?

Wtf? I typed yacking not yanking. 

You're phone is retarded. And perverted.

I have to go pee on another stick.

Woo hoo! I'm assuming you want to be Oregon right?

Oregon?!?

Preggo...Wtf?!

I'm orally serious.

Totally...not orally.

Thank god. I was confused.

Everyday Conversation

My crotch itches. 

You know they make creams for that?

What's a miniscus?

Part of your knee I think?

Is a torn miniscus serious?

How would I know? I look at twats all day. 

I was just following you closely. 

Yeah...I think that's called stalking. 

Me: Can we get a seal?

Brian: Sure, that's all we need. Two dogs, two kids...and a seal. 

From Twitter

@FillWerrall: I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep." Bitch, you need to hibernate.

June Quotes

Plain Ole Funny Sh*t  

Can we eat at that Brooks Brothers place again?
Um, do you mean Five Guys?

Overheard an 89 year old woman saying:
I couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv and these people were having relations! I didn't know they did that on cable. I mean they were PERFORMING.

She was a c*nt before and she'll be a c*nt after.

You can smell your apartment when you get off the elevator.
Wait til we all eat these beans, you'll be able to smell it from across the street.

My boob just melted my wine.

Wait...are you about to show us your ass?

You should read 50 Shades of Grey...maybe you'd put out more.

Has my shirt gotten darker? I swear it was white when I put it on and it's gotten browner.

Renee (to Mallory as she climbed on the coffee table):
Tables are made for glasses, not asses.

Overheard on the UK shuttle:
A man was complaining to the driver about staying with his wife at night. She broke her hip. The bus driver asked if she fell. Reply, no I ran over her.

Random Texts 

My mother's beach reads for this trip?  The fifty shades of grey trilogy. I almost ran off the mountain when she told me.
Your mom will be horny at the beach.

I had Smashing Tomato, almost a whole box of Russell Stovers, a spicy chicken meal, and a large cherry coke all within five hours. Periods are a bitch.

So we need to plan our Magic Mike night. Our we going Friday the 29th or Saturday the 30th?
I'm out of that one. We're celebrating our anniversary that weekend so I'll be getting my own show.

I'm contemplating killing my husband. Maybe I'll go praying mantis on his ass and have sex with him and then bite his head off when I'm through with him...two birds, one stone?!?!

Me: Lauren how is your book? You didn't answer.
Christy: She said the book was "so good."
Me: I didn't get anything saying the book was "so good". I only had a bunch of messages from you hoe.
Christy: Here it is. "Finished!!! So good."
Me: Um you really didn't have to forward me her message. I got the gist of it.

I caught my kid not washing himself properly. Skeezy. Told him his sac will get infected and fall off.

After a really long story about a hypocritical girl:
Pot anyone?
I wanna smoke pot, sadly I'm too scared I'll make an error with a narcotic and be drug tested.
I meant she's the pot calling the kettle black. But I'm right there with you.
Sorry I'm drunk.

Good morning hoes!
Good morning butt licker!

Work is ok. I like my unit and my drug addicts.

I'm going to Harlan this weekend. Better get the gun ready.

My kid just took her pants off and put them in the hallway.
She is a little hoe like her mama.

In regards to Magic Mike:
I didn't sign up for boobies.

Christy, how's Harlan? Get shot yet?

Spartacus is on Netflix...hot men, fully nekkid.

I will go for the chocolate Reese cup ice cream in the fridge.
I mean freezer. Shrew I'm retarded sometimes!
Who are you calling a shrew?!
Ahit!
Shit!
Drink some more, that will fix it!

Good TV

From a Saturday Night Live skit involving Stayfree maxi pads (I laughed til I peed):

Stayfree maxi pads, for when your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

Stayfree, the downstairs patch for your baby hatch.

Stayfree maxi pads, when it's time for your monthly boo boo put one of these on your hoo hoo.

Stolen from Facebook

How tired is my brain? Might have accidentally said "I love you" when hanging up the phone with a textbook vendor.

May Quotes

Random Texts 

Is it acceptable to walk down the street and dig at my ass?

I just found lube in my pocket. 

My crotch itches...razor burn.

You smell like roasted chicken. 

I am a Cheez-it connoisseur.

I mixed two bottles of almost-empty lotion. The result looks like curdled milk...or the product of a yeast infection. 

Shut the hell up and get me some bread, cheese, and sangria. I can't take this anymore. I am really going to die. At least your boobs are getting noticed.

How did I get a message from u at 9:10 when my phone says its only 9:09?
I'm just that good I guess. 

His chin looked like an old deflated coochie. 

I ordered k cups in my sleep!!

I just found a Cheerio in my panties.

Going thru nursing school on a Wong and a prayer doesn't really include attendance. 
Wing not Wong. 
Well I guess technically you were on a Wong much of the time. 

Dude, I've almost peed myself several times!!!
You really need to see a urologist about that problem. 

I just washed my ass. It's sea mineral fresh if anyone wants to sniff. 

I'm so drunk I just followed my boyfriend into the men's bathroom. I was kicked out. He didn't want me to see his peeper. 
What?!? He wants to keep up the mystery about what it does?

I'm thinking about getting a blizzard...Of course I'd have to be naked to eat it bc my pants are so freaking tight.
That cake batter blizzard looks sexy to me.

My boyfriend found his mothers notepad in the car by accident and she had a "pray for salvation" list. First two names were mine & his. 
At least she cares. Maybe. 

You missed it, Erin was at a loss for words. I don't think that's ever happened before.

I want the 3d grilled cheeseburger from steak n shake.
What? We are talking about fake penises. Where did that fit in?
It's all meat. Well figuratively.

Where the hell are you guys?
Your mom's house. 

The sluts are being too quiet. I'm kinda scared.

The Redken stuff smelled awesome. I smelled Brachytherapy. 
Lmao. Smelled like sealed sources huh?
Beachy. Clearly that was autocorrect bc I didn't even know what brachytherapy was. 

No one likes a grumpy hoe.

I'm all yours. 
Kinky. 

I just bought 50 shades of grey. Don't judge me. I paid, stuffed in my purse and scurried out of target so no one would see what I'd done.

Let's order a bunch and share. 
We might have to all get something different and share.
Jinx. Erin owns Heather a coke.
I own her Coke??!? I must be rich!!

Thankful for a job. BUT I'd like to have a normal schedule. I feel like a zombie...and I have gas. 

I'm finishing mulching, then shower then bed.
Mulching sounds dirty. Is that a new sex position I don't know about? 

I'm curious about 50 Shades of Grey too. I don't think I'd get through the first chapter without stopping. I'd want to get busy.
That's because you're a horndog. 
True Dat.  

My aunt asked me in front of my mom and grandmother if I shaved my crotch. I about died.

Crazy Kids

I had a patient with a five year old son. While I was assessing her, the little boy ran over to me, stuck a straw on my boob, and started slurping. His mom informed me, "We just attended a breastfeeding class."

Kristi: I asked Zoe where she put her poptart she pulled me over to her highchair. The poptart was buckled up. 
Me: Safety first dude. 

My kid has to be in bed by 8. It's like a switch is flipped then and she is suddenly a serial killer.

Did i tell you all my kid's pits smell like seafood?
I thought they smelled like old cheese?
Not anymore. 
I think I'd prefer the cheese. 
I don't know. It kinda makes me want clam strips. 

Random

Brian: I guess Yorkies are just better when they're dead. 

You just gave me your crabs. 

An oldie but a goodie: The first time I brought Brian home to meet my family, the ENTIRE family was there (aunts, grandparents etc). My aunt Kim interrogated Brian about his life and found out he was in college and basically broke. She loudly announced "Well she isn't dating you for the money...must be the sex." I think that was the reddest I've seen Brian's face in the 7 years we've been together. Leave it to Kim.

April Quotes

Random Texts

If my husband asks me one more time how to spell something I might beat him to within an inch of his life with a f*cking Webster dictionary!!

Erin's a hoe eating cheese sticks.

There is a girl from Harlan in my EKG class. 

I didn't think people from Harlan could read EKGs. 

Or maybe that's why you're both in there...it takes two of you?

Wonder if she showed her boobies?

I totally think the plural for penises should be peni, is it?

Or maybe penii?

I think I stink. 

Babies are like dogs except they sh*t in a diaper.  

My cat snores so loud it wakes me up. It's like a hairy husband with no benefits. 

My mom has 70's pubes. 

Don't worry I found some mango mandarin air freshener and sprayed it on my taco and armpits.

I guess they assume we are adults and can figure it all out. 

Clearly they have never met us.

I got covered in me onion the other day. 

Me onion = meconium. 

Thanks for correcting that! I was wondering...

Yeah, I'm a leprechaun now. 

Hey hoes!

Hey b*tch!

Hey butt lickers!!

I'm about to eat a big juicy hot dog.

I thought your husband was at work?

Can anyone explain why when u have to poop really bad ur lower back itches?

My house is a turd fest. 

Taking a dump with a kid shoving pantiliners at your crotch and lint rolling your toes is no fun. 

He is hair-flipping like he's Justin Bieber.

I'm thinking we should plan a girls movie night on June 29th. Magic Mike with Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, & Joe Manganiello from True Blood. Yes please!!!

Yuck yuck and yuck. Not my type. Muscles are too big. 

Come on, they are HOT!!!

I'll go for popcorn and soda. 

I'm going for pecs and penis.

I have those at home.

I looked down and there was a penis explosion in my phone!  That's more penis action than I've had all year!  

Isn't there a phrase for male camel toe? Let's call it elephant trunk.

Brian: Poo in tub. She picked up a piece and threw it too. (This is the best text from the month only because he is STILL traumatized by this.)

Lunchtime

My favorite story from the month isn't so much of a quote as just one of those random crazy things that ONLY happen to me. My mom, sister, & I went to Chick Fil-a with Zaine, Zoe, & Mallory. Of course, we end up in the play area. I was sitting in the toddler section when an approximately 9 year old boy ran by. I assume he is Zaine and reach up & smack him right on the butt. He turns around and I say, "oops you're not Zaine." I imagine any minute this kid is going to yell, "Mommy that lady just grabbed my butt," so I couldn't hightail it out of there fast enough. Like I said before--ONLY me.

Anyway, on to more quotes...

Christy: I like carrots. They make my mouth feel clean. Like a dog chewing a bone. 

Megan: I won't eat at Orange Leaf because it's self-serve. Kids are dirty-they have boogers on them and stuff. 

Me: You didn't see the guy make your salad just now. He totally could've scratched his nut sac all over it. 

Megan: Yeah but that's okay because I didn't SEE it. 

Other Fun Stuff

My mom: That was almost as bad as the guy who farted on me at The Dollar Tree. 

Me: You should've farted back on him. That would've shown him.

My mom: I tried really hard but I couldn't squeeze it out.  

Mary (to me as I was flipping out): Sit down and shut your pie hole. 

Ellen Degeneres on the book 50 Shades of Grey: "What is WRONG with you heterosexuals?"

Me: Why are your hands on your junk?

Brian: I'm organizing it. 

Brian: Does your grandma read your blog?

Me: I think so.

Brian: It's kind of inappropriate, don't you think?

Me: She knows what she's getting in to. She HAS met me you know.  

Me: Do you like my new shoes?

Brian: They're kind of...(long pause)...bright. 

Finally, an oldie but a goodie. This exchange took place on the second time Brian & I ever hung out. For those of you who don't know, we met when he was 22 and I was slightly older. I'm not sure why the relationship progressed to marriage after the following quote.

Me: So how many sisters do you have? Brian: 3 but they are all old.

Me: How old?

Brian: Well they youngest one is 26. 

Me: I'm 26.