April Quotes

Random Texts

If my husband asks me one more time how to spell something I might beat him to within an inch of his life with a f*cking Webster dictionary!!

Erin's a hoe eating cheese sticks.

There is a girl from Harlan in my EKG class. 

I didn't think people from Harlan could read EKGs. 

Or maybe that's why you're both in there...it takes two of you?

Wonder if she showed her boobies?

I totally think the plural for penises should be peni, is it?

Or maybe penii?

I think I stink. 

Babies are like dogs except they sh*t in a diaper.  

My cat snores so loud it wakes me up. It's like a hairy husband with no benefits. 

My mom has 70's pubes. 

Don't worry I found some mango mandarin air freshener and sprayed it on my taco and armpits.

I guess they assume we are adults and can figure it all out. 

Clearly they have never met us.

I got covered in me onion the other day. 

Me onion = meconium. 

Thanks for correcting that! I was wondering...

Yeah, I'm a leprechaun now. 

Hey hoes!

Hey b*tch!

Hey butt lickers!!

I'm about to eat a big juicy hot dog.

I thought your husband was at work?

Can anyone explain why when u have to poop really bad ur lower back itches?

My house is a turd fest. 

Taking a dump with a kid shoving pantiliners at your crotch and lint rolling your toes is no fun. 

He is hair-flipping like he's Justin Bieber.

I'm thinking we should plan a girls movie night on June 29th. Magic Mike with Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, & Joe Manganiello from True Blood. Yes please!!!

Yuck yuck and yuck. Not my type. Muscles are too big. 

Come on, they are HOT!!!

I'll go for popcorn and soda. 

I'm going for pecs and penis.

I have those at home.

I looked down and there was a penis explosion in my phone!  That's more penis action than I've had all year!  

Isn't there a phrase for male camel toe? Let's call it elephant trunk.

Brian: Poo in tub. She picked up a piece and threw it too. (This is the best text from the month only because he is STILL traumatized by this.)

Lunchtime

My favorite story from the month isn't so much of a quote as just one of those random crazy things that ONLY happen to me. My mom, sister, & I went to Chick Fil-a with Zaine, Zoe, & Mallory. Of course, we end up in the play area. I was sitting in the toddler section when an approximately 9 year old boy ran by. I assume he is Zaine and reach up & smack him right on the butt. He turns around and I say, "oops you're not Zaine." I imagine any minute this kid is going to yell, "Mommy that lady just grabbed my butt," so I couldn't hightail it out of there fast enough. Like I said before--ONLY me.

Anyway, on to more quotes...

Christy: I like carrots. They make my mouth feel clean. Like a dog chewing a bone. 

Megan: I won't eat at Orange Leaf because it's self-serve. Kids are dirty-they have boogers on them and stuff. 

Me: You didn't see the guy make your salad just now. He totally could've scratched his nut sac all over it. 

Megan: Yeah but that's okay because I didn't SEE it. 

Other Fun Stuff

My mom: That was almost as bad as the guy who farted on me at The Dollar Tree. 

Me: You should've farted back on him. That would've shown him.

My mom: I tried really hard but I couldn't squeeze it out.  

Mary (to me as I was flipping out): Sit down and shut your pie hole. 

Ellen Degeneres on the book 50 Shades of Grey: "What is WRONG with you heterosexuals?"

Me: Why are your hands on your junk?

Brian: I'm organizing it. 

Brian: Does your grandma read your blog?

Me: I think so.

Brian: It's kind of inappropriate, don't you think?

Me: She knows what she's getting in to. She HAS met me you know.  

Me: Do you like my new shoes?

Brian: They're kind of...(long pause)...bright. 

Finally, an oldie but a goodie. This exchange took place on the second time Brian & I ever hung out. For those of you who don't know, we met when he was 22 and I was slightly older. I'm not sure why the relationship progressed to marriage after the following quote.

Me: So how many sisters do you have? Brian: 3 but they are all old.

Me: How old?

Brian: Well they youngest one is 26. 

Me: I'm 26.