July Quotes

Random Texts

Channing Tatum was hot though!!! I bet he's awesome in bed!

Either that or he takes steroids and has no weenie?!

We should sue cause it's a crime not to show that ass (in reference to Joe Manganiello). 

I'm going to hell. I'm so glad all of my friends will be there with me. 

Dang. Those little hoes need to simma down.

You still drinking beer with your gun?

My child has coccia virus or something like that! It's a form of hand foot and mouth! Highly contagious!  

I think Megan had a rash like that once but it wasn't on her belly. 

Hoes keep havin' babies. 

Your kid would eat poo if you mixed it with cheerios. 

Want a goldfish? I thought Zaine was going to lose but he ended up winning on the last ball he threw. Dammit. Is it bad that I was hoping he'd lose?

At least goldfish don't live long dude. 

I hope not. The last thing I need is something else that shits.

Titanic makes me barf. Just let go of the damn wood Leonardo...we're tired of listening to you.

You said wood. 

Andy Griffith died. 

Yeah he was old. 

Wait...was that insensitive?!

Tomkat is getting a divorce- who didn't see that coming?

I bet if Katie were a 33 yo dude things would be fine.

I am a lawbreaker.

And your husband is a law abiding citizen.

He's not always a law abiding citizen. Sometimes I corrupt him. 

TMI.

 

Omg. Stomach virus. 

Did you shit yourself again?

Yes.

 

I was pooping and when I stood up to wipe, my kid threw my shorts in the toilet...with the poop. 

I'm glad you guys accept me and my sluttiness. 

Mac and cheese balls? That sounds awesome. Anything involving cheese and balls must be good.

 

I am STARVING!! And sweating.

Yeah you smell pretty bad. 

Hey!

When do we need to go to the vagina doctor?

Not for a long time. You act like we've never done this before.

I didn't take notes.

I ♥ Autocorrect

Did you get Mammaw a UK cake?

I'm calling them to see if they'll change it. I wasn't thinking & asked for flowers that match the plates I got. 

She would like flowers. She doesn't care. She will be too busy yanking. 

Yanking? What kind of party is this?

Wtf? I typed yacking not yanking. 

You're phone is retarded. And perverted.

I have to go pee on another stick.

Woo hoo! I'm assuming you want to be Oregon right?

Oregon?!?

Preggo...Wtf?!

I'm orally serious.

Totally...not orally.

Thank god. I was confused.

Everyday Conversation

My crotch itches. 

You know they make creams for that?

What's a miniscus?

Part of your knee I think?

Is a torn miniscus serious?

How would I know? I look at twats all day. 

I was just following you closely. 

Yeah...I think that's called stalking. 

Me: Can we get a seal?

Brian: Sure, that's all we need. Two dogs, two kids...and a seal. 

From Twitter

@FillWerrall: I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep." Bitch, you need to hibernate.