June Quotes

Plain Ole Funny Sh*t  

Can we eat at that Brooks Brothers place again?
Um, do you mean Five Guys?

Overheard an 89 year old woman saying:
I couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv and these people were having relations! I didn't know they did that on cable. I mean they were PERFORMING.

She was a c*nt before and she'll be a c*nt after.

You can smell your apartment when you get off the elevator.
Wait til we all eat these beans, you'll be able to smell it from across the street.

My boob just melted my wine.

Wait...are you about to show us your ass?

You should read 50 Shades of Grey...maybe you'd put out more.

Has my shirt gotten darker? I swear it was white when I put it on and it's gotten browner.

Renee (to Mallory as she climbed on the coffee table):
Tables are made for glasses, not asses.

Overheard on the UK shuttle:
A man was complaining to the driver about staying with his wife at night. She broke her hip. The bus driver asked if she fell. Reply, no I ran over her.

Random Texts 

My mother's beach reads for this trip?  The fifty shades of grey trilogy. I almost ran off the mountain when she told me.
Your mom will be horny at the beach.

I had Smashing Tomato, almost a whole box of Russell Stovers, a spicy chicken meal, and a large cherry coke all within five hours. Periods are a bitch.

So we need to plan our Magic Mike night. Our we going Friday the 29th or Saturday the 30th?
I'm out of that one. We're celebrating our anniversary that weekend so I'll be getting my own show.

I'm contemplating killing my husband. Maybe I'll go praying mantis on his ass and have sex with him and then bite his head off when I'm through with him...two birds, one stone?!?!

Me: Lauren how is your book? You didn't answer.
Christy: She said the book was "so good."
Me: I didn't get anything saying the book was "so good". I only had a bunch of messages from you hoe.
Christy: Here it is. "Finished!!! So good."
Me: Um you really didn't have to forward me her message. I got the gist of it.

I caught my kid not washing himself properly. Skeezy. Told him his sac will get infected and fall off.

After a really long story about a hypocritical girl:
Pot anyone?
I wanna smoke pot, sadly I'm too scared I'll make an error with a narcotic and be drug tested.
I meant she's the pot calling the kettle black. But I'm right there with you.
Sorry I'm drunk.

Good morning hoes!
Good morning butt licker!

Work is ok. I like my unit and my drug addicts.

I'm going to Harlan this weekend. Better get the gun ready.

My kid just took her pants off and put them in the hallway.
She is a little hoe like her mama.

In regards to Magic Mike:
I didn't sign up for boobies.

Christy, how's Harlan? Get shot yet?

Spartacus is on Netflix...hot men, fully nekkid.

I will go for the chocolate Reese cup ice cream in the fridge.
I mean freezer. Shrew I'm retarded sometimes!
Who are you calling a shrew?!
Ahit!
Shit!
Drink some more, that will fix it!

Good TV

From a Saturday Night Live skit involving Stayfree maxi pads (I laughed til I peed):

Stayfree maxi pads, for when your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

Stayfree, the downstairs patch for your baby hatch.

Stayfree maxi pads, when it's time for your monthly boo boo put one of these on your hoo hoo.

Stolen from Facebook

How tired is my brain? Might have accidentally said "I love you" when hanging up the phone with a textbook vendor.