Quotes...from the last 2 1/2 years

Random Texts

At least you don't have to have the sex talk with him. I'm putting it off.
And that is why I don't want a boy. No boners. Two are enough in this house.

I bought some cinnamon apple cheddar cheese.
That sounds disgusting. I'd rather lick my dog's butt.

Just crop dusted walmart. Smelled like rancid bacon.

Night shift is killing my brain. Made a chicken pot pie without the chicken last night and just now realized it.

I laughed so hard I farted and almost blew myself out of my chair.

Your mom likes ass play.
Maybe that's how she got butt herpes?
Sick dude.

You would think since I had like seven tacos and five pieces of banana bread today I'd be able to poop finally. I've been sitting here waiting for the same turd to come out for ten minutes.

I'll be there!!! Just to puss Erin off!
Puss?! I don't know what that means, but I'm probably not into that.

Every time I hear someone say "boo!" or "surprise" I want to follow it with "here comes my dick."

Night shift is making me much more relaxed about my hygiene.

I think there should be different levels of vibration for ur phone: slow, med, and high.
Um, that would make it a sex toy.
Only you would want your phone to stimulate you.

I can't poop. I feel like I just gave birth and I still have its twin stuck inside.

I drink wine and read porn and am good.

I finally finished pooping! I feel better now.
I knew you were full of shit!

I want to be a peddler of smut!
I think you already are.

I'm making you Paula Deen Mac & cheese. You'll have diabetes before you know it.

I feel like Eric Cartman. I'm pretty sure flames just shot out of my ass. No more mcds breakfast.

I need someone in charge of me to just tell me wtf to do. Preferably at the last minute.

Maybe they should call ur mom, she takes care of my needs just fine.

I cannot be preggo. I drink way too much alcohol.
Yep...that's how you get pregnant.

I have a booger etiquette question. The dude next to me just picked his nose and wiped it on his shirt. In this case he should've eaten it. Correct?
No according to your rules he should've eaten it. According to mine he should've discreetly placed it under his seat.

You probably have a big furry bush just like your mom's.

Neither of my kids have cough or cold symptoms. They're just assholes.

I ♥ Autocorrect

I threw frozen chicken and all the ingredients in bags and wrote like "grill 6-8 min per side" or "crock pot 8 hoes on low"
I don't think I could fit 8 hoes in my crock pot dude.

Ok, let me watch my crotch.
[much later...]
Are you still watching your crotch?
No, it wasn't doing anything interesting.

I'm sitting with my legs folder beside me.
If you have a folder of legs I am going to have to report you to the police.
Just some souvenirs of old patients.
Creep.

Fun at Work

A patient: My baby needs a bath. She's covered in vajayjay juice.

Another patient: Honey can you move that chair so I can wash my twat?

Autumn: I'm never going to breastfeed.
Kristi: Yes, you will. I will make you. I will grab your boob.

You know it's going to be a good night when you open the door and the first thing you see is a butt crack.

Shelia: I'm going to go to the Dairy Queen and f**k her up.

Susan: Balls smell like vinegar.

My nipples are hard because I just breastfed a baby, not because I think you're hot.

No, I don't want your P in my V.

Shelia (to one of the new residents): What kind of name is that?

Ann: That makes me want to throw up my rainbow cake.

J: Blake Shelton just looks like he is the type that picks his nose and eats it.

Other Funny Sh*t

Brian: I have to update my iPhone. The map has navigation now and apparently Suri is better.
Me: You have Tom Cruise's kid in your iPhone?

Me: Smell my foot.
Mallory: No I'm fine.

Me: I'm still itching.
Brian: You're probably allergic to your mouth...maybe you should talk less.

Brian (after spending 10 mins making himself an Old-Fashioned): I'm a f***ing idiot...I forgot to put alcohol in it."

Brian (referring to Eliza): She's going to play soccer.
Me: Why soccer?
Brian: That's all girls can do isn't it?

Brian (while watching the Walking Dead): If it came down to killing you or you being a zombie, I'd kill you first. We couldn't have a zombie that talked that much.

Zoe (my 4 year old niece): Night night asshole.

Me: You're going to be 32 this week. Do you feel old?
Brian: Well you're going to be like 60 this week...do you feel old?

Me: How did you get blood on another set of sheets?
Brian: I don't know. I guess my nose bled.
Me: You're like a girl on the rag.

Me (while watching Sesame Street with Mallory): She LOVES Murray and Ovejita.
Brian: Who DOESN'T?

Jenni: Thanks to Ryan for sticking it out.
Me: That's what she said.

Me: I should get to name the baby since I have to go through all of this.
Anthony: No, Brian should get to name the baby because he had to have sex with a girl.

Anthony: These shoes are ugly. They looked better in the closet.
Jehan: So did you.

Me: How old is Gizmo (his cat) going to be this year?
My Dad: 23.
Me: Are you having a party for her?
My Dad: No we're having a funeral.

Me (while leaving Mr Gatti's parking lot): I'm pulling out now.
Brian: That's what he said.

Me: How can you not think Chewy is cute? He looks like a teddy bear.
Brian: I had a teddy bear. It didn't f***ing smell like that.

Me: Mallory woke up and said "I need to pee pee in the potty." And she did!
My mom: I woke up and said the same thing! And I did!

Megan: Are you still talking to that guy from Chicago?
Anthony: No he is a d*ck...you are what you eat.

My grandma Mimi: That Taylor Swift looks like a squirrel.

Me: You're about as subtle as Miley Cyrus.

Anthony: Ladies, the hair is on point. Wait...did I just get gayer?

Heard on TV

Ben on Parks and Recreation: "life is short...why be an accountant?" (I agree)

Ellen Degeneres (while holding up a five year olds "giraffe" drawing that closely resembled a penis): "I don't know what this is, but I can honestly say I've never seen one of those."

Jeff Ross: Congrats to Kim and Kanye. It will be hard to deliver the baby though since she always has a black d*ck in her birth canal.

Jeff Ross (in regards to Justin Beiber smoking pot): I don't care how much pot he smokes, 420 is still his nap time.

Jase (to Willy): You look like a hairy marshmallow covered in blueberries.

Si (to Willy): You look like Rambo made love to a beaver.

You were flirting with the help.
I was not flirting. I was being friendly.
Yeah right...you were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face and you know it.

"Having children is like living in a frat house -- nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." Ray Romano

Will Ferrell in Anchorman 2: When you have an ass like the north star, wise men are going to follow it.

And Finally...

One of the best quotes ever. I thought of this randomly the other day, and it's still hysterical 16 years later. I was working at the Dairy Queen drive thru, when an extremely stoned dude pulled up to the window and said "Do you come with that number five?" I said "Not today." He replied, "Shhhhiiiiitttt....if you came wit dat it'd be a HAPPY meal."