June Quotes

Plain Ole Funny Sh*t  

Can we eat at that Brooks Brothers place again?
Um, do you mean Five Guys?

Overheard an 89 year old woman saying:
I couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv and these people were having relations! I didn't know they did that on cable. I mean they were PERFORMING.

She was a c*nt before and she'll be a c*nt after.

You can smell your apartment when you get off the elevator.
Wait til we all eat these beans, you'll be able to smell it from across the street.

My boob just melted my wine.

Wait...are you about to show us your ass?

You should read 50 Shades of Grey...maybe you'd put out more.

Has my shirt gotten darker? I swear it was white when I put it on and it's gotten browner.

Renee (to Mallory as she climbed on the coffee table):
Tables are made for glasses, not asses.

Overheard on the UK shuttle:
A man was complaining to the driver about staying with his wife at night. She broke her hip. The bus driver asked if she fell. Reply, no I ran over her.

Random Texts 

My mother's beach reads for this trip?  The fifty shades of grey trilogy. I almost ran off the mountain when she told me.
Your mom will be horny at the beach.

I had Smashing Tomato, almost a whole box of Russell Stovers, a spicy chicken meal, and a large cherry coke all within five hours. Periods are a bitch.

So we need to plan our Magic Mike night. Our we going Friday the 29th or Saturday the 30th?
I'm out of that one. We're celebrating our anniversary that weekend so I'll be getting my own show.

I'm contemplating killing my husband. Maybe I'll go praying mantis on his ass and have sex with him and then bite his head off when I'm through with him...two birds, one stone?!?!

Me: Lauren how is your book? You didn't answer.
Christy: She said the book was "so good."
Me: I didn't get anything saying the book was "so good". I only had a bunch of messages from you hoe.
Christy: Here it is. "Finished!!! So good."
Me: Um you really didn't have to forward me her message. I got the gist of it.

I caught my kid not washing himself properly. Skeezy. Told him his sac will get infected and fall off.

After a really long story about a hypocritical girl:
Pot anyone?
I wanna smoke pot, sadly I'm too scared I'll make an error with a narcotic and be drug tested.
I meant she's the pot calling the kettle black. But I'm right there with you.
Sorry I'm drunk.

Good morning hoes!
Good morning butt licker!

Work is ok. I like my unit and my drug addicts.

I'm going to Harlan this weekend. Better get the gun ready.

My kid just took her pants off and put them in the hallway.
She is a little hoe like her mama.

In regards to Magic Mike:
I didn't sign up for boobies.

Christy, how's Harlan? Get shot yet?

Spartacus is on Netflix...hot men, fully nekkid.

I will go for the chocolate Reese cup ice cream in the fridge.
I mean freezer. Shrew I'm retarded sometimes!
Who are you calling a shrew?!
Ahit!
Shit!
Drink some more, that will fix it!

Good TV

From a Saturday Night Live skit involving Stayfree maxi pads (I laughed til I peed):

Stayfree maxi pads, for when your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

Stayfree, the downstairs patch for your baby hatch.

Stayfree maxi pads, when it's time for your monthly boo boo put one of these on your hoo hoo.

Stolen from Facebook

How tired is my brain? Might have accidentally said "I love you" when hanging up the phone with a textbook vendor.

May Quotes

Random Texts 

Is it acceptable to walk down the street and dig at my ass?

I just found lube in my pocket. 

My crotch itches...razor burn.

You smell like roasted chicken. 

I am a Cheez-it connoisseur.

I mixed two bottles of almost-empty lotion. The result looks like curdled milk...or the product of a yeast infection. 

Shut the hell up and get me some bread, cheese, and sangria. I can't take this anymore. I am really going to die. At least your boobs are getting noticed.

How did I get a message from u at 9:10 when my phone says its only 9:09?
I'm just that good I guess. 

His chin looked like an old deflated coochie. 

I ordered k cups in my sleep!!

I just found a Cheerio in my panties.

Going thru nursing school on a Wong and a prayer doesn't really include attendance. 
Wing not Wong. 
Well I guess technically you were on a Wong much of the time. 

Dude, I've almost peed myself several times!!!
You really need to see a urologist about that problem. 

I just washed my ass. It's sea mineral fresh if anyone wants to sniff. 

I'm so drunk I just followed my boyfriend into the men's bathroom. I was kicked out. He didn't want me to see his peeper. 
What?!? He wants to keep up the mystery about what it does?

I'm thinking about getting a blizzard...Of course I'd have to be naked to eat it bc my pants are so freaking tight.
That cake batter blizzard looks sexy to me.

My boyfriend found his mothers notepad in the car by accident and she had a "pray for salvation" list. First two names were mine & his. 
At least she cares. Maybe. 

You missed it, Erin was at a loss for words. I don't think that's ever happened before.

I want the 3d grilled cheeseburger from steak n shake.
What? We are talking about fake penises. Where did that fit in?
It's all meat. Well figuratively.

Where the hell are you guys?
Your mom's house. 

The sluts are being too quiet. I'm kinda scared.

The Redken stuff smelled awesome. I smelled Brachytherapy. 
Lmao. Smelled like sealed sources huh?
Beachy. Clearly that was autocorrect bc I didn't even know what brachytherapy was. 

No one likes a grumpy hoe.

I'm all yours. 
Kinky. 

I just bought 50 shades of grey. Don't judge me. I paid, stuffed in my purse and scurried out of target so no one would see what I'd done.

Let's order a bunch and share. 
We might have to all get something different and share.
Jinx. Erin owns Heather a coke.
I own her Coke??!? I must be rich!!

Thankful for a job. BUT I'd like to have a normal schedule. I feel like a zombie...and I have gas. 

I'm finishing mulching, then shower then bed.
Mulching sounds dirty. Is that a new sex position I don't know about? 

I'm curious about 50 Shades of Grey too. I don't think I'd get through the first chapter without stopping. I'd want to get busy.
That's because you're a horndog. 
True Dat.  

My aunt asked me in front of my mom and grandmother if I shaved my crotch. I about died.

Crazy Kids

I had a patient with a five year old son. While I was assessing her, the little boy ran over to me, stuck a straw on my boob, and started slurping. His mom informed me, "We just attended a breastfeeding class."

Kristi: I asked Zoe where she put her poptart she pulled me over to her highchair. The poptart was buckled up. 
Me: Safety first dude. 

My kid has to be in bed by 8. It's like a switch is flipped then and she is suddenly a serial killer.

Did i tell you all my kid's pits smell like seafood?
I thought they smelled like old cheese?
Not anymore. 
I think I'd prefer the cheese. 
I don't know. It kinda makes me want clam strips. 

Random

Brian: I guess Yorkies are just better when they're dead. 

You just gave me your crabs. 

An oldie but a goodie: The first time I brought Brian home to meet my family, the ENTIRE family was there (aunts, grandparents etc). My aunt Kim interrogated Brian about his life and found out he was in college and basically broke. She loudly announced "Well she isn't dating you for the money...must be the sex." I think that was the reddest I've seen Brian's face in the 7 years we've been together. Leave it to Kim.

April Quotes

Random Texts

If my husband asks me one more time how to spell something I might beat him to within an inch of his life with a f*cking Webster dictionary!!

Erin's a hoe eating cheese sticks.

There is a girl from Harlan in my EKG class. 

I didn't think people from Harlan could read EKGs. 

Or maybe that's why you're both in there...it takes two of you?

Wonder if she showed her boobies?

I totally think the plural for penises should be peni, is it?

Or maybe penii?

I think I stink. 

Babies are like dogs except they sh*t in a diaper.  

My cat snores so loud it wakes me up. It's like a hairy husband with no benefits. 

My mom has 70's pubes. 

Don't worry I found some mango mandarin air freshener and sprayed it on my taco and armpits.

I guess they assume we are adults and can figure it all out. 

Clearly they have never met us.

I got covered in me onion the other day. 

Me onion = meconium. 

Thanks for correcting that! I was wondering...

Yeah, I'm a leprechaun now. 

Hey hoes!

Hey b*tch!

Hey butt lickers!!

I'm about to eat a big juicy hot dog.

I thought your husband was at work?

Can anyone explain why when u have to poop really bad ur lower back itches?

My house is a turd fest. 

Taking a dump with a kid shoving pantiliners at your crotch and lint rolling your toes is no fun. 

He is hair-flipping like he's Justin Bieber.

I'm thinking we should plan a girls movie night on June 29th. Magic Mike with Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, & Joe Manganiello from True Blood. Yes please!!!

Yuck yuck and yuck. Not my type. Muscles are too big. 

Come on, they are HOT!!!

I'll go for popcorn and soda. 

I'm going for pecs and penis.

I have those at home.

I looked down and there was a penis explosion in my phone!  That's more penis action than I've had all year!  

Isn't there a phrase for male camel toe? Let's call it elephant trunk.

Brian: Poo in tub. She picked up a piece and threw it too. (This is the best text from the month only because he is STILL traumatized by this.)

Lunchtime

My favorite story from the month isn't so much of a quote as just one of those random crazy things that ONLY happen to me. My mom, sister, & I went to Chick Fil-a with Zaine, Zoe, & Mallory. Of course, we end up in the play area. I was sitting in the toddler section when an approximately 9 year old boy ran by. I assume he is Zaine and reach up & smack him right on the butt. He turns around and I say, "oops you're not Zaine." I imagine any minute this kid is going to yell, "Mommy that lady just grabbed my butt," so I couldn't hightail it out of there fast enough. Like I said before--ONLY me.

Anyway, on to more quotes...

Christy: I like carrots. They make my mouth feel clean. Like a dog chewing a bone. 

Megan: I won't eat at Orange Leaf because it's self-serve. Kids are dirty-they have boogers on them and stuff. 

Me: You didn't see the guy make your salad just now. He totally could've scratched his nut sac all over it. 

Megan: Yeah but that's okay because I didn't SEE it. 

Other Fun Stuff

My mom: That was almost as bad as the guy who farted on me at The Dollar Tree. 

Me: You should've farted back on him. That would've shown him.

My mom: I tried really hard but I couldn't squeeze it out.  

Mary (to me as I was flipping out): Sit down and shut your pie hole. 

Ellen Degeneres on the book 50 Shades of Grey: "What is WRONG with you heterosexuals?"

Me: Why are your hands on your junk?

Brian: I'm organizing it. 

Brian: Does your grandma read your blog?

Me: I think so.

Brian: It's kind of inappropriate, don't you think?

Me: She knows what she's getting in to. She HAS met me you know.  

Me: Do you like my new shoes?

Brian: They're kind of...(long pause)...bright. 

Finally, an oldie but a goodie. This exchange took place on the second time Brian & I ever hung out. For those of you who don't know, we met when he was 22 and I was slightly older. I'm not sure why the relationship progressed to marriage after the following quote.

Me: So how many sisters do you have? Brian: 3 but they are all old.

Me: How old?

Brian: Well they youngest one is 26. 

Me: I'm 26.

March Quotes

Random Texts

Done crapped in my wiener dog PJ's.

You're the only one not playing. We are like the cool kids and you're the kid we will beat up and steal your lunch.

Sounds like it's getting longer. 
That's what she said.
At least u r putting it to good use.
That's what she said.
I knew that was coming.
That's what she said...this is like taking candy from a baby.

This video on blackboard says u can choose large or larger.
Both sound like winners to me.

Oh wait...Christy is from Harlan. They don't teach them how to read there.
No, just how to make meth.

She would rather crap her brains out than be at eCampus...

Is Brian coming?
No, he has to pack.
He probably just wants to watch the game in peace.

My grandmother has been really sick.
Oh I thought your mom just called to tell u about her tacking.
Yanking.
Yacking.
Jesus.

I like babies!
You only like babies because you don't have one.

What's everyone doing?
Pooping.
Sounds lovely.

Lunchtime

I'll be sure to go home and forward you my nudie pics.

You get one off your tit and the last thing you want is another one on your shit!

I am seriously already eat-my-own-arm-off hungry! How is that possible when I had a strawberry smoothie and fiber bar for breakfast?!?!
Because that's not real food?

Your husband is a creepy Mexican perv.
And mine is an unobservant turd.

If vaginas didn't gross me out even more than penises I'd be a lesbian.

I'm pretty offended they thought I was pregnant. I mean, I've gained 10 pounds since I got married, but come on!

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and have sex with your husband...even if you don't like him.

All the babies I take care of can smell my breast milk and they try to eat me.
Is that like a dog when you're on your period?

More Fun Times


I don't know what you mean. I am always child friendly and appropriate. And so are my tits.

Me: How did things go this morning?
Brian: Good except I was late for work.
Me: Why? What happened?
Brian: It took Mallory 25 minutes to eat a biscuit.

That baby has a floppy penis growing on its face.

That was one hairy b*tch.

If you have an 18 month old, a 9 month old, and a newborn...you might be a redneck.

Stolen from a status update: My friend's little boy had a hamster. It just died. His Memaw came over with some groceries and he informed her it died. She liked it and was kinda upset. She said "oh no I just bought her snacks at the grocery." He told her, "Well you wasted your money."

I got sh*t on again...no really!

I was so glad when March got here.

February, despite the fact that I finally started my first nursing job after 15 months with no income,was one of those months I don't know how I survived without commiting homicide.

I vividly remember one Saturday in February when I was banging my head against a wall while Mallory was simultaneously in the floor kicking, pounding her fists, and screaming. Chewy had diarrhea and was running around smearing it all over the walls in an attempt to scratch or clean his ass (who really knows with him). Porkchop was projectile vomiting all over the furniture. We never did get that smell off the recliner, and it's sitting in a landfill somewhere in case you're interested. This all seemed to fit within a theme for the month. Needless to say I was thrilled to see March's arrival. Until today.

Do mothers emit some kind of pheromones that beckon ridiculous shit to happen? When I'm at work, the dogs behave and Mallory is an angel. When it's just me at home, you name it and it will happen. I can't even comment on tonight without my blood pressure going into dangerous territory so I will just leave you with some photos that were the highlights of an extra crappy (pun intended) day. And by the way, if you're interested in two small dogs or a 16 month old both are available for purchase or rental.

I'll be in trouble for this one

First let me give my usual disclaimer: please don't read if you're eating dinner, easily grossed out, or don't find any of my other stories amusing. 

Someone I know recently had a colonoscopy. I will leave names out and we will just call her M.

M. did the prep on a Friday. I get a text from M. while I'm at work on Friday night that says, "done crapped in my wiener dog pjs."

As if that isn't bad enough, when I texted to see how the procedure went, I get the following story.

After the colonoscopy is over, M. decides she is starving. In case you don't know the drill, to prepare for a butt check, you don't eat the prior day-just drink a prep and sit on the crapper for hours upon hours. Hence the destruction of the wiener dog pjs.

Anyway, M. makes her ride take her to Denny's. After the food arrives, M. says she is going to go to the bathroom to barf. Before M. can move, she projectile vomits all over her clothes, her ride's clothes, and both their plates. Not only that, but her ride tells me she has vomit hanging in her hair and on her face, yet she is so doped up she is worried about wiping up the table first.

The best part of the story comes when the waitress, who was clearly a little slow and unobservant, asks M.'s ride "would you like a box for your food?"

This is one of the best stories I've ever heard. I wish I would have been there. I miss all the good stuff.

February Quotes

That time again. Sorry I am a little late posting these...in case you haven't heard, I actually have a job now! I have less free time, but I love it. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom.

Anyway, here they are. Plus an old one that I thought of the other day that still makes me laugh.

Random texts:

And now I have diarrhea. I should've just let him go to Jimmy John's like he wanted. God is a man & he's punishing me for arguing with my husband.

Is it just me or is $7.47 a little steep for a chicken sandwich and a small drink from Wendy's?
For $7 it better come with your mom.

He looks like a bird.
If a bird looked like him I'd do that bird.

Was she a nurse?
No, just a b*tch.

Maybe a good shart will be in order.

I'm not in prison after last night. This is good.

Most things made of pure evil are cute. That's how they lure people in.

If I have to see him in the elevator I'll puke in his scrub pocket.

Where's the hoe bag at? 

I like mass texting, it makes me feel important and like I have a lot of friends.
You do realize there are only 3 others on this? That means you have 3 friends.
Yes but we are highly important. Who needs other fiends when she has us 3?
Exactly, I don't need more than three FIENDS.
I just noticed that but didn't correct myself bc it was applicable.
I think we would be considered mafia if we had more than 4 fiends together at once.

She likes anything with balls.

Omg that was worse than the infected testicle pus I had during clinicals.

U have skills.
Your mom taught me. She is like my slutty Yoda.

I love being right. It makes me feisty.

If he asks me to have sex tonight, I'll stab him.

Now you can run over larger animals and children.

You parked in the lines and everything! Congrats!!

Maybe if we did some pole dancing?

It's beautiful! And it's HUGE!
That's what she said.

Do you have a pool?
No.
Well then it's going to be a little weird when I go skinny dipping in your bathtub.

Thank god for autocorrect or that would look really ducked up.

I swear sometimes a good poop works better than a beer. Makes you all relaxed and happy.

Like I've said before...when your penis looks like a plunger, you have a problem.

Maybe if I work with her and get to know her better I can ask her wtf is up with her hair!!

Christy must have quit completely.
Either that or she's a bitch.

Do you guys wanna come live with me until I am not afraid of the dark anymore?

Facebook Fun:

Squat thrusts sound dirty.
Everything sounds dirty when you're a pervert.

Lunch tomorrow?
I can't. I'm cleansing...
Cleansing???
I think that's just the polite term for douching.  

Sorry my Yoyo looked like sperm dressed in UofL colors!

Whatever:

Zaine (at age 4) leans back in the recliner after eating Thanksgiving dinner and says, "My butt is getting so fat."

Me: You need to take Porkchop to get her toenails cut today. You're a week late.
Brian: I don't want to get her out in the rain. I'll take her later this week.
Me: You'll be at work. You mean I'll take her. I refuse.
Brian: Fine. Call and see if I can bring her today and I'll take her.
Me: YOU call. It's YOUR dog.
Brian: It's YOUR groomer.
Me: I'll call. I can't argue with a 5 year old.

Brian (to me at Local Taco): Did you just scrape crust off your plate and eat it?