February Quotes

That time again. Sorry I am a little late posting these...in case you haven't heard, I actually have a job now! I have less free time, but I love it. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom.

Anyway, here they are. Plus an old one that I thought of the other day that still makes me laugh.

Random texts:

And now I have diarrhea. I should've just let him go to Jimmy John's like he wanted. God is a man & he's punishing me for arguing with my husband.

Is it just me or is $7.47 a little steep for a chicken sandwich and a small drink from Wendy's?
For $7 it better come with your mom.

He looks like a bird.
If a bird looked like him I'd do that bird.

Was she a nurse?
No, just a b*tch.

Maybe a good shart will be in order.

I'm not in prison after last night. This is good.

Most things made of pure evil are cute. That's how they lure people in.

If I have to see him in the elevator I'll puke in his scrub pocket.

Where's the hoe bag at? 

I like mass texting, it makes me feel important and like I have a lot of friends.
You do realize there are only 3 others on this? That means you have 3 friends.
Yes but we are highly important. Who needs other fiends when she has us 3?
Exactly, I don't need more than three FIENDS.
I just noticed that but didn't correct myself bc it was applicable.
I think we would be considered mafia if we had more than 4 fiends together at once.

She likes anything with balls.

Omg that was worse than the infected testicle pus I had during clinicals.

U have skills.
Your mom taught me. She is like my slutty Yoda.

I love being right. It makes me feisty.

If he asks me to have sex tonight, I'll stab him.

Now you can run over larger animals and children.

You parked in the lines and everything! Congrats!!

Maybe if we did some pole dancing?

It's beautiful! And it's HUGE!
That's what she said.

Do you have a pool?
No.
Well then it's going to be a little weird when I go skinny dipping in your bathtub.

Thank god for autocorrect or that would look really ducked up.

I swear sometimes a good poop works better than a beer. Makes you all relaxed and happy.

Like I've said before...when your penis looks like a plunger, you have a problem.

Maybe if I work with her and get to know her better I can ask her wtf is up with her hair!!

Christy must have quit completely.
Either that or she's a bitch.

Do you guys wanna come live with me until I am not afraid of the dark anymore?

Facebook Fun:

Squat thrusts sound dirty.
Everything sounds dirty when you're a pervert.

Lunch tomorrow?
I can't. I'm cleansing...
Cleansing???
I think that's just the polite term for douching.  

Sorry my Yoyo looked like sperm dressed in UofL colors!

Whatever:

Zaine (at age 4) leans back in the recliner after eating Thanksgiving dinner and says, "My butt is getting so fat."

Me: You need to take Porkchop to get her toenails cut today. You're a week late.
Brian: I don't want to get her out in the rain. I'll take her later this week.
Me: You'll be at work. You mean I'll take her. I refuse.
Brian: Fine. Call and see if I can bring her today and I'll take her.
Me: YOU call. It's YOUR dog.
Brian: It's YOUR groomer.
Me: I'll call. I can't argue with a 5 year old.

Brian (to me at Local Taco): Did you just scrape crust off your plate and eat it?