Random Texts
Done crapped in my wiener dog PJ's.
You're the only one not playing. We are like the cool kids and you're the kid we will beat up and steal your lunch.
Sounds like it's getting longer.
That's what she said.
At least u r putting it to good use.
That's what she said.
I knew that was coming.
That's what she said...this is like taking candy from a baby.
This video on blackboard says u can choose large or larger.
Both sound like winners to me.
Oh wait...Christy is from Harlan. They don't teach them how to read there.
No, just how to make meth.
She would rather crap her brains out than be at eCampus...
Is Brian coming?
No, he has to pack.
He probably just wants to watch the game in peace.
My grandmother has been really sick.
Oh I thought your mom just called to tell u about her tacking.
Yanking.
Yacking.
Jesus.
I like babies!
You only like babies because you don't have one.
What's everyone doing?
Pooping.
Sounds lovely.
Lunchtime
I'll be sure to go home and forward you my nudie pics.
You get one off your tit and the last thing you want is another one on your shit!
I am seriously already eat-my-own-arm-off hungry! How is that possible when I had a strawberry smoothie and fiber bar for breakfast?!?!
Because that's not real food?
Your husband is a creepy Mexican perv.
And mine is an unobservant turd.
If vaginas didn't gross me out even more than penises I'd be a lesbian.
I'm pretty offended they thought I was pregnant. I mean, I've gained 10 pounds since I got married, but come on!
Sometimes you just have to suck it up and have sex with your husband...even if you don't like him.
All the babies I take care of can smell my breast milk and they try to eat me.
Is that like a dog when you're on your period?
More Fun Times
I don't know what you mean. I am always child friendly and appropriate. And so are my tits.
Me: How did things go this morning?
Brian: Good except I was late for work.
Me: Why? What happened?
Brian: It took Mallory 25 minutes to eat a biscuit.
That baby has a floppy penis growing on its face.
That was one hairy b*tch.
If you have an 18 month old, a 9 month old, and a newborn...you might be a redneck.
Stolen from a status update: My friend's little boy had a hamster. It just died. His Memaw came over with some groceries and he informed her it died. She liked it and was kinda upset. She said "oh no I just bought her snacks at the grocery." He told her, "Well you wasted your money."
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I got sh*t on again...no really!
I was so glad when March got here.
February, despite the fact that I finally started my first nursing job after 15 months with no income,was one of those months I don't know how I survived without commiting homicide.I vividly remember one Saturday in February when I was banging my head against a wall while Mallory was simultaneously in the floor kicking, pounding her fists, and screaming. Chewy had diarrhea and was running around smearing it all over the walls in an attempt to scratch or clean his ass (who really knows with him). Porkchop was projectile vomiting all over the furniture. We never did get that smell off the recliner, and it's sitting in a landfill somewhere in case you're interested. This all seemed to fit within a theme for the month. Needless to say I was thrilled to see March's arrival. Until today.
Do mothers emit some kind of pheromones that beckon ridiculous shit to happen? When I'm at work, the dogs behave and Mallory is an angel. When it's just me at home, you name it and it will happen.
I can't even comment on tonight without my blood pressure going into dangerous territory so I will just leave you with some photos that were the highlights of an extra crappy (pun intended) day. And by the way, if you're interested in two small dogs or a 16 month old both are available for purchase or rental.
Friday, March 9, 2012
I'll be in trouble for this one
First let me give my usual disclaimer: please don't read if you're eating dinner, easily grossed out, or don't find any of my other stories amusing.
Someone I know recently had a colonoscopy. I will leave names out and we will just call her M.
M. did the prep on a Friday. I get a text from M. while I'm at work on Friday night that says, "done crapped in my wiener dog pjs."
As if that isn't bad enough, when I texted to see how the procedure went, I get the following story.
After the colonoscopy is over, M. decides she is starving. In case you don't know the drill, to prepare for a butt check, you don't eat the prior day-just drink a prep and sit on the crapper for hours upon hours. Hence the destruction of the wiener dog pjs.
Anyway, M. makes her ride take her to Denny's. After the food arrives, M. says she is going to go to the bathroom to barf. Before M. can move, she projectile vomits all over her clothes, her ride's clothes, and both their plates. Not only that, but her ride tells me she has vomit hanging in her hair and on her face, yet she is so doped up she is worried about wiping up the table first.
The best part of the story comes when the waitress, who was clearly a little slow and unobservant, asks M.'s ride "would you like a box for your food?"
This is one of the best stories I've ever heard. I wish I would have been there. I miss all the good stuff.
Someone I know recently had a colonoscopy. I will leave names out and we will just call her M.
M. did the prep on a Friday. I get a text from M. while I'm at work on Friday night that says, "done crapped in my wiener dog pjs."
As if that isn't bad enough, when I texted to see how the procedure went, I get the following story.After the colonoscopy is over, M. decides she is starving. In case you don't know the drill, to prepare for a butt check, you don't eat the prior day-just drink a prep and sit on the crapper for hours upon hours. Hence the destruction of the wiener dog pjs.
Anyway, M. makes her ride take her to Denny's. After the food arrives, M. says she is going to go to the bathroom to barf. Before M. can move, she projectile vomits all over her clothes, her ride's clothes, and both their plates. Not only that, but her ride tells me she has vomit hanging in her hair and on her face, yet she is so doped up she is worried about wiping up the table first.
The best part of the story comes when the waitress, who was clearly a little slow and unobservant, asks M.'s ride "would you like a box for your food?"
This is one of the best stories I've ever heard. I wish I would have been there. I miss all the good stuff.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
February Quotes
That time again. Sorry I am a little late posting these...in case you haven't heard, I actually have a job now! I have less free time, but I love it. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom.
Anyway, here they are. Plus an old one that I thought of the other day that still makes me laugh.
Random texts:
And now I have diarrhea. I should've just let him go to Jimmy John's like he wanted. God is a man & he's punishing me for arguing with my husband.
Is it just me or is $7.47 a little steep for a chicken sandwich and a small drink from Wendy's?
For $7 it better come with your mom.
He looks like a bird.
If a bird looked like him I'd do that bird.
Was she a nurse?
No, just a b*tch.
Maybe a good shart will be in order.
I'm not in prison after last night. This is good.
Most things made of pure evil are cute. That's how they lure people in.
If I have to see him in the elevator I'll puke in his scrub pocket.
Where's the hoe bag at?
I like mass texting, it makes me feel important and like I have a lot of friends.
You do realize there are only 3 others on this? That means you have 3 friends.
Yes but we are highly important. Who needs other fiends when she has us 3?
Exactly, I don't need more than three FIENDS.
I just noticed that but didn't correct myself bc it was applicable.
I think we would be considered mafia if we had more than 4 fiends together at once.
She likes anything with balls.
Omg that was worse than the infected testicle pus I had during clinicals.
U have skills.
Your mom taught me. She is like my slutty Yoda.
I love being right. It makes me feisty.
If he asks me to have sex tonight, I'll stab him.
Now you can run over larger animals and children.
You parked in the lines and everything! Congrats!!
Maybe if we did some pole dancing?
It's beautiful! And it's HUGE!
That's what she said.
Do you have a pool?
No.
Well then it's going to be a little weird when I go skinny dipping in your bathtub.
Thank god for autocorrect or that would look really ducked up.
I swear sometimes a good poop works better than a beer. Makes you all relaxed and happy.
Like I've said before...when your penis looks like a plunger, you have a problem.
Maybe if I work with her and get to know her better I can ask her wtf is up with her hair!!
Christy must have quit completely.
Either that or she's a bitch.
Do you guys wanna come live with me until I am not afraid of the dark anymore?
Facebook Fun:
Squat thrusts sound dirty.
Everything sounds dirty when you're a pervert.
Lunch tomorrow?
I can't. I'm cleansing...
Cleansing???
I think that's just the polite term for douching.
Sorry my Yoyo looked like sperm dressed in UofL colors!
Whatever:
Zaine (at age 4) leans back in the recliner after eating Thanksgiving dinner and says, "My butt is getting so fat."
Me: You need to take Porkchop to get her toenails cut today. You're a week late.
Brian: I don't want to get her out in the rain. I'll take her later this week.
Me: You'll be at work. You mean I'll take her. I refuse.
Brian: Fine. Call and see if I can bring her today and I'll take her.
Me: YOU call. It's YOUR dog.
Brian: It's YOUR groomer.
Me: I'll call. I can't argue with a 5 year old.
Brian (to me at Local Taco): Did you just scrape crust off your plate and eat it?
Anyway, here they are. Plus an old one that I thought of the other day that still makes me laugh.
Random texts:
And now I have diarrhea. I should've just let him go to Jimmy John's like he wanted. God is a man & he's punishing me for arguing with my husband.
Is it just me or is $7.47 a little steep for a chicken sandwich and a small drink from Wendy's?
For $7 it better come with your mom.
He looks like a bird.
If a bird looked like him I'd do that bird.
Was she a nurse?
No, just a b*tch.
Maybe a good shart will be in order.
I'm not in prison after last night. This is good.
Most things made of pure evil are cute. That's how they lure people in.
If I have to see him in the elevator I'll puke in his scrub pocket.
Where's the hoe bag at?
I like mass texting, it makes me feel important and like I have a lot of friends.
You do realize there are only 3 others on this? That means you have 3 friends.
Yes but we are highly important. Who needs other fiends when she has us 3?
Exactly, I don't need more than three FIENDS.
I just noticed that but didn't correct myself bc it was applicable.
I think we would be considered mafia if we had more than 4 fiends together at once.
She likes anything with balls.
Omg that was worse than the infected testicle pus I had during clinicals.
U have skills.
Your mom taught me. She is like my slutty Yoda.
I love being right. It makes me feisty.
If he asks me to have sex tonight, I'll stab him.
Now you can run over larger animals and children.
You parked in the lines and everything! Congrats!!
Maybe if we did some pole dancing?
It's beautiful! And it's HUGE!
That's what she said.
Do you have a pool?
No.
Well then it's going to be a little weird when I go skinny dipping in your bathtub.
Thank god for autocorrect or that would look really ducked up.
I swear sometimes a good poop works better than a beer. Makes you all relaxed and happy.
Like I've said before...when your penis looks like a plunger, you have a problem.
Maybe if I work with her and get to know her better I can ask her wtf is up with her hair!!
Christy must have quit completely.
Either that or she's a bitch.
Do you guys wanna come live with me until I am not afraid of the dark anymore?
Facebook Fun:
Squat thrusts sound dirty.
Everything sounds dirty when you're a pervert.
Lunch tomorrow?
I can't. I'm cleansing...
Cleansing???
I think that's just the polite term for douching.
Sorry my Yoyo looked like sperm dressed in UofL colors!
Whatever:
Zaine (at age 4) leans back in the recliner after eating Thanksgiving dinner and says, "My butt is getting so fat."
Me: You need to take Porkchop to get her toenails cut today. You're a week late.
Brian: I don't want to get her out in the rain. I'll take her later this week.
Me: You'll be at work. You mean I'll take her. I refuse.
Brian: Fine. Call and see if I can bring her today and I'll take her.
Me: YOU call. It's YOUR dog.
Brian: It's YOUR groomer.
Me: I'll call. I can't argue with a 5 year old.
Brian (to me at Local Taco): Did you just scrape crust off your plate and eat it?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Uh oh...
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My toddler has me trained. I have become one of those parents. Don't want to sit still so Mommy can make dinner? Fine, cover the dogs in stickers. Don't want to eat the chicken, rice, and veggies I made you? Ok, have 3 cookies instead. Just please stop screaming..JPG)
Lately, I have HAD to get out of the house with her. She doesn't want to nap, doesn't want to play, doesn't want to sit in her high chair to eat. She DOES want to eat, just not in a high chair--instead wanting to roam around the house, dropping Cheerios everywhere, while the dogs happily slurp up what I don't smash with my shoes..JPG)
It has been pretty warm this winter and some frozen yogurt has been sounding good, so I decided we would go to the new Orange Leaf near our house. Mallory has only had frozen yogurt once. She was only about 7 months old at the time, it was one spoonful, and she immediately barfed it up onto my shirt..JPG)
As soon as we walked in, her eyes bugged out of her head. I mean, to a toddler this place has to look awesome. Bright orange vinyl everywhere. It was like crack for kids, except it probably won't make her teeth rot out if we brush them promptly afterward. And school had just let out, so mom after mom was coming in with a child in tow. She didn't know what to look at first.
.JPG)
In between bites of our pina colada yogurt (we mixed the pineapple and coconut together because that's how we roll), she "talked" to the other kids in the place, jumped on the couch, and fell out of at least three chairs. It was like Monkey Joe's--only it cost a hell of a lot less.I think we're going to make this a weekly outing. Enjoy the pics!
Monday, February 6, 2012
I don't even have a clever title this time...
Does anyone else ever think you hit the jackpot while secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Well the other shoe dropped, and it wasn't pretty. I finally realized what I've been suspecting for years--the only thing really wrong with my husband is that he married me.
Case in point: Mallory and I have been watching The Ellen Degeneres Show for several months now. She likes all the music, clapping, and dancing. Lately, Ellen has been featuring videos of her viewers sneaking up and dancing like maniacs behind these poor, unsuspecting people. It is absolutely hilarious.
Anyway, I was thinking about these videos as I was in our master bath changing into my pjs. So I am just dancing away in my underwear when I hear Chewy coming into the bedroom. I dance out the door and there's Chewy--with Brian! I jumped and screamed so loud.
He didn't even ask what was wrong because he knows I take every opportunity to talk and I would offer a long explanation regardless. I explained about the dancing and mistaking him for Chewy, while laughing and crying so hard snot was pouring out my nose. He didn't say anything throughout this entire exchange--just smiled, shook his head, and walked off. I have these episodes so often it doesn't surprise him anymore.
Which brings me to my point...Brian leaves his socks on the floor, expects me to keep track of everything, and won't take his own dog to the groomer unless repeatedly nagged, but these are minor issues. He is fairly neat (other than the socks), always tries to make me happy, and he is a damn good baby Daddy. I have often thought he is too good to be true. Now I know his flaw...he not only puts up with me, but he LOVES me. Clearly I am not the only one in the house with mental problems.
Well the other shoe dropped, and it wasn't pretty. I finally realized what I've been suspecting for years--the only thing really wrong with my husband is that he married me.
Case in point: Mallory and I have been watching The Ellen Degeneres Show for several months now. She likes all the music, clapping, and dancing. Lately, Ellen has been featuring videos of her viewers sneaking up and dancing like maniacs behind these poor, unsuspecting people. It is absolutely hilarious.
Anyway, I was thinking about these videos as I was in our master bath changing into my pjs. So I am just dancing away in my underwear when I hear Chewy coming into the bedroom. I dance out the door and there's Chewy--with Brian! I jumped and screamed so loud.
He didn't even ask what was wrong because he knows I take every opportunity to talk and I would offer a long explanation regardless. I explained about the dancing and mistaking him for Chewy, while laughing and crying so hard snot was pouring out my nose. He didn't say anything throughout this entire exchange--just smiled, shook his head, and walked off. I have these episodes so often it doesn't surprise him anymore.
Which brings me to my point...Brian leaves his socks on the floor, expects me to keep track of everything, and won't take his own dog to the groomer unless repeatedly nagged, but these are minor issues. He is fairly neat (other than the socks), always tries to make me happy, and he is a damn good baby Daddy. I have often thought he is too good to be true. Now I know his flaw...he not only puts up with me, but he LOVES me. Clearly I am not the only one in the house with mental problems.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
January Quotes
I
intended on making my favorite quotes an annual thing. However, when I started
collecting these, I realized it would be way too much for a yearly event. So
here's to a new monthly blog...the best texts, autocorrects, lunch convos, and
comments from the month.
Random Texts
It won't take you long to pack for
Harlan. Flannel, gun, meth...DONE
Facetime, pooping, and
Mexican...sounds awesome.
My cat just tooted in my face.
You probably deserved it.
Why are chicken minis so much
better than chicken biscuits?
Mini everything is better...well,
except penises.
I'm wearing Lady Gaga shoes. I
can't decide whether I feel stupid or awesome.
Seriously I've been trying to drop
a load all day.
Best two porn names ever: Carolina
Jones & the Temple of Poon and Tiger Got Wood.
She can run around with baby sh*t
on her face if she wants to but the rest of the world is gonna be laughing at
her.
I'm going to go clean
something.
How about ur ass?
They r always just too big.
That's what she said.
Christy is one horny b*tch.
My sex drive wouldn't be healthy
combined with alcohol.
It was awkward and boring and I had
gas all day.
Autocorrect Gone Wrong
Literally texted u sex I got off
the phone.
SEX?!
Sorry, meant sec.
Ok, but if you start sexting me we
have a problem.
So funny. Good thing I pooped
already bc I'd share my pants.
U'd share that? Thanks!
Share = shart. Wait, do u not want
to share my pants with me!?!?
Nope- pretty sure there's no way in
hell I could get in them.
Actually, me neither.
We are getting $7700 back on taxes.
Whoa that's awesome. Hope you're
taking us all to the Bahahahas.
Yeah...um idk what that is.
Sorry.... I meant the bwahahahma's.
Oh that totally clears it up.
Bahamas. Geez. I need coffee. I
hate waking up constipated
And the
best-autocorrect-I've-ever-seen-award goes to Lauren and her mom:
Lunch
Convos
Leslie: I think they're curing
cancer in there.
Megan: The three people you're talking about don't have enough brain cells
combined to figure out how to pick up dog poop without getting it on their
hands, let alone cure cancer!
Heather: I want
Mexican.
Me: I
can't afford it. Maybe we can hoe Christy out in exchange for food?
Christy:
Ok, but only if I get to eat too.
Facebook Fun
I sadly retract my earlier status about being jealous. Totally bummed about the Miranda concert!!!
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