I often share my stories about my nephew Zaine, who is now 8 years old, and I get a big laugh. I have been making a mental note for months of all the hilarious things he has said and done, so this is my written tribute to the funniest kid I have ever met--Jacob Zaine Miracle.
One of my earliest experiences with Zaine's humor happened at my Mammaw's when he was a little over 2 years old. He was in his high chair & seated at the end of the table. My parents, Mammaw, and my other set of grandparents, Mimi & Paw, were seated at the table eating dinner. He was half-eating, half-playing with his slices of American cheese when he suddenly tried to put a slimy, slobbery piece in my mouth. I gagged and almost lost my dinner. Everyone at the table, including me, laughed uncontrollably. I was in tears (I mean, this was some NASTY cheese), and Zaine looked around at us and said, "We're ALL laughing," then proceeded to throw his head back & crack up at me with the rest of the family. It was a small start in his comedy career, but I will forever remember that moment when he discovered his ability to make us all laugh. It was also a big step because he hadn't been talking much, and we were getting anxious for him to start using sentences instead of a few words here and there.
A few months later, closer to his 3rd birthday, he got a little more talkative and started expanding his comedic horizons. My parents & I had been telling him that old joke that goes, "How do you scare a bee?" Answer: "Boo-bee." For the millionth time, we asked Zaine the question, hoping he would give us his cute little response. Instead, Zaine looks at us and states, "I'd call it a b*tch." I somehow got the blame for this one, but I promise Auntie Erin did not teach him that one.
He continued to amuse us endlessly, but when he hit the age of 5 his sense of humor went through the roof. He enjoyed testing the limit and seeing what he could get away with. One day we were watching one of those dog shows on Animal Planet, and he said, "Auntie Erin, that judge just called that dog a BITCH!" I said, "Yes, Zaine. That is what female dogs are called." Zaine sat in total silence for about 2 minutes. He finally replied, "So...Porkchop's a bitch." It wasn't even a question, just a statement. I laughed so hard I fell off the couch . Eventually, I had to pretend to be the responsible aunt and explain to him that he still can't say that word regardless of the context.
Anyone who has hung around me very long knows I am all about a good "mom" joke. Zaine heard these jokes day in & day out and of course he never got them. He was eating lunch at my house and sitting sideways in the chair. The dogs were circling him, long ago having figured out he was their best chance at getting some scraps. I said to him, "Zaine, turn around and sit up in your chair before Porkchop eats your biscuit." He looked at me and said matter-of-factly, "Porkchop's gonna eat your mom's biscuit." I almost peed in my pants. He didn't know exactly how perfect his mom joke was but when he saw my reaction, he proclaimed "that was my first big hilarious joke!"
On Halloween a few years ago, I asked my mom if my outfit made my butt look fat. Zaine replied for her, "Your butt looks a little bit fat." When I got mad at him, he responded, "What? I only said a LITTLE BIT fat." Apparently he had not yet mastered the male art of answering a loaded question.
Zaine went in my bathroom one day, and he came back out with a strange look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and he told me something in the bathroom scared him. I said, "Oh, it was the Glade Sense 'n Spray. It sprays air freshener whenever someone gets near it." Zaine thought for a minute, as he always does, then answered, "How did it know I needed to go #2?"
After I miscarried with our first baby, Zaine was full of questions. It is a difficult thing for a kid to understand. He grilled me relentlessly wanting details. His biggest question was, "Exactly HOW are you going to get pregnant again Auntie Erin?" I told him to ask his mom. She explained to him the bare minimum and told him not to go to school talking about it to his friends. He replied, "I wouldn't tell my friends that. They probably wouldn't even believe me. And they'd probably throw up because that's DISGUSTING!"
This year I got him one of those giant suckers you dip in Pop Rocks candy for a Valentine's gift. He somehow broke the sucker, stepped on a sharp piece of it, and hurt his toe. If you know the drama queen that is Zaine you can picture the next scene. He rolled around in the floor, holding his foot, and fake crying. He announced to my sister that Valentine's gifts are "supposed to bring LOVE, not pain."
And finally my personal favorite: During his 2nd grade year, Zaine approached my sister as she was getting ready to take him to school and told her, "Mommy I need to change my pants. I gambled on a fart and lost." Yep, he had pooped his pants.
I could go on & on all day, but these are some of my funniest memories of the best nephew I could ask for. I am delighted to take part in developing his often inappropriate sense of humor. I am one proud aunt. Love you, Zaine.
I am not easily embarrassed, so I really could care less. However, I felt bad for the 15 men in the room. From the looks on their faces, you would think I had used the damn thing at the hostess station.
