Does anyone else ever think you hit the jackpot while secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Well the other shoe dropped, and it wasn't pretty. I finally realized what I've been suspecting for years--the only thing really wrong with my husband is that he married me.
Case in point: Mallory and I have been watching The Ellen Degeneres Show for several months now. She likes all the music, clapping, and dancing. Lately, Ellen has been featuring videos of her viewers sneaking up and dancing like maniacs behind these poor, unsuspecting people. It is absolutely hilarious.
Anyway, I was thinking about these videos as I was in our master bath changing into my pjs. So I am just dancing away in my underwear when I hear Chewy coming into the bedroom. I dance out the door and there's Chewy--with Brian! I jumped and screamed so loud.
He didn't even ask what was wrong because he knows I take every opportunity to talk and I would offer a long explanation regardless. I explained about the dancing and mistaking him for Chewy, while laughing and crying so hard snot was pouring out my nose. He didn't say anything throughout this entire exchange--just smiled, shook his head, and walked off. I have these episodes so often it doesn't surprise him anymore.
Which brings me to my point...Brian leaves his socks on the floor, expects me to keep track of everything, and won't take his own dog to the groomer unless repeatedly nagged, but these are minor issues. He is fairly neat (other than the socks), always tries to make me happy, and he is a damn good baby Daddy. I have often thought he is too good to be true. Now I know his flaw...he not only puts up with me, but he LOVES me. Clearly I am not the only one in the house with mental problems.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
January Quotes
I
intended on making my favorite quotes an annual thing. However, when I started
collecting these, I realized it would be way too much for a yearly event. So
here's to a new monthly blog...the best texts, autocorrects, lunch convos, and
comments from the month.
Random Texts
It won't take you long to pack for
Harlan. Flannel, gun, meth...DONE
Facetime, pooping, and
Mexican...sounds awesome.
My cat just tooted in my face.
You probably deserved it.
Why are chicken minis so much
better than chicken biscuits?
Mini everything is better...well,
except penises.
I'm wearing Lady Gaga shoes. I
can't decide whether I feel stupid or awesome.
Seriously I've been trying to drop
a load all day.
Best two porn names ever: Carolina
Jones & the Temple of Poon and Tiger Got Wood.
She can run around with baby sh*t
on her face if she wants to but the rest of the world is gonna be laughing at
her.
I'm going to go clean
something.
How about ur ass?
They r always just too big.
That's what she said.
Christy is one horny b*tch.
My sex drive wouldn't be healthy
combined with alcohol.
It was awkward and boring and I had
gas all day.
Autocorrect Gone Wrong
Literally texted u sex I got off
the phone.
SEX?!
Sorry, meant sec.
Ok, but if you start sexting me we
have a problem.
So funny. Good thing I pooped
already bc I'd share my pants.
U'd share that? Thanks!
Share = shart. Wait, do u not want
to share my pants with me!?!?
Nope- pretty sure there's no way in
hell I could get in them.
Actually, me neither.
We are getting $7700 back on taxes.
Whoa that's awesome. Hope you're
taking us all to the Bahahahas.
Yeah...um idk what that is.
Sorry.... I meant the bwahahahma's.
Oh that totally clears it up.
Bahamas. Geez. I need coffee. I
hate waking up constipated
And the
best-autocorrect-I've-ever-seen-award goes to Lauren and her mom:
Lunch
Convos
Leslie: I think they're curing
cancer in there.
Megan: The three people you're talking about don't have enough brain cells
combined to figure out how to pick up dog poop without getting it on their
hands, let alone cure cancer!
Heather: I want
Mexican.
Me: I
can't afford it. Maybe we can hoe Christy out in exchange for food?
Christy:
Ok, but only if I get to eat too.
Facebook Fun
I sadly retract my earlier status about being jealous. Totally bummed about the Miranda concert!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Famous Quotes of 2011
I get a kick out of thinking about hilarious things my family and friends say. I can be trying to go to sleep at night and suddenly think of something said a year ago that sends me into hysterics.
I've kept a mental list for years of Zaine's witty comments, and I decided to start keeping track of everyone else's too. Some sh*t is simply too funny to forget.
Here are my favorite moments from this year (and two older ones that still crack me up):
At Zaxby's -
Me: Can I get a Kiddie Meal with a Sprite to drink?
Zaine: NOOOO Auntie Erin! I don't want a KITTY Meal, I want a grilled cheese.
Brian (upon finding my pregnancy test on the counter): Is this a new thermometer?
Me: Why don't you stick it in your mouth and find out honey?
Christy: I smell Mexican food.
Me: Um, we're at Local Taco.
Brian: I'm tired of waking up to these old ladies every morning.
Me: The Golden Girls?
Brian: No, I meant you.
My mom (referring to Mallory's Halloween headband): What is that supposed to be?
Me: A pumpkin.
My mom: It looks like a dog's wiener.
My preceptor: Are you passing gas?
Our patient: Yep, and they're cat farts.
Preceptor: What's a cat fart?
Patient: You know, the kind that comes out your cat.
Preceptor: Too much information.
Me (coming home and finding Mallory's changing table ripped up): What happened!?
Brian: Casualty of war.
Brian (Five minutes into Mallory's favorite show, Blue's Clues): I can't watch this sh*t.
Me: Get me french onion soup with a wheat baguette.
Brian: Can't you order something I can pronounce?
Me: You can't say baguette?
Brian: I can say 'give me some f***ing wheat bread.'
Random texts from friends (some names have been omitted to protect the guilty):
I had a poo that looked like a dolphin tail once.
Hoes usually do have the great shoes.
I hate it when we go to CB--can't ever decide if I want breakfast or lunch.
When do u go to Central Baptist? Oh. You mean Cracker barrel.
Yes we frequently eat breakfast at Central Baptist.
I need crack.
No I think less crack would be better.
She doesn't really hang out with anyone.
Is that because no one likes her?
I could send but not receive. Isn't that the story of most girls lives?
Omg this twilight movie shows boobs !!!!!!!
They did show heaving boobies.
Speaking of ass, there was a HESI question where to give the ventrogluteal injections and it had an ass pic. You had to select where to stick the needle. It was a hot ass too. I wanted to smack it.
I'm not surprised so many guys fail OB. Most of them couldn't find their way around a who-ha to save their lives.
Lauren's knocked up that's why she is getting boobalicious.
The underwear I have on today keep giving me camel toe.
You were buying toys for kids while I was attempting suicide.
Get all gangsta on my ass if need be.
Kaplan makes me poop. I think I just lost 5 pounds.
Today I was out of clean underwear. My only option was a pair of Pepto pink Hanes briefs that I stole from my mother last time I was out of clean underwear. I have to fold them down three times to avoid my belly button.
I think I have poop in my hair.
I cannot imagine christy packing a glock.
Ew. Did u seriously just talk about my dads ham?
Holiday Fun
Careful how much you drink. You may end up like I did one year, serving your family iced Gingerporn instead of angels and snowmen.
All five of the liquor stores we passed have been packed--- proof everyone else hates their families too.
It's like a cross between Christmas Vacation & The Family Stone.
My aunt is currently talking about trimming her bush this morning.
Yeah after we cussed each other out, we are good now.
Oh you were right about my mental instability tonight.
Put a bow on your cooch.
2011 was a great year.
I've kept a mental list for years of Zaine's witty comments, and I decided to start keeping track of everyone else's too. Some sh*t is simply too funny to forget.
Here are my favorite moments from this year (and two older ones that still crack me up):
At Zaxby's -
Me: Can I get a Kiddie Meal with a Sprite to drink?
Zaine: NOOOO Auntie Erin! I don't want a KITTY Meal, I want a grilled cheese.
Brian (upon finding my pregnancy test on the counter): Is this a new thermometer?
Me: Why don't you stick it in your mouth and find out honey?
Christy: I smell Mexican food.
Me: Um, we're at Local Taco.
Brian: I'm tired of waking up to these old ladies every morning.
Me: The Golden Girls?
Brian: No, I meant you.
My mom (referring to Mallory's Halloween headband): What is that supposed to be?
Me: A pumpkin.
My mom: It looks like a dog's wiener.
My preceptor: Are you passing gas?
Our patient: Yep, and they're cat farts.
Preceptor: What's a cat fart?
Patient: You know, the kind that comes out your cat.
Preceptor: Too much information.
Me (coming home and finding Mallory's changing table ripped up): What happened!?
Brian: Casualty of war.
Brian (Five minutes into Mallory's favorite show, Blue's Clues): I can't watch this sh*t.
Me: Get me french onion soup with a wheat baguette.
Brian: Can't you order something I can pronounce?
Me: You can't say baguette?
Brian: I can say 'give me some f***ing wheat bread.'
I had a poo that looked like a dolphin tail once.
Hoes usually do have the great shoes.
I hate it when we go to CB--can't ever decide if I want breakfast or lunch.
When do u go to Central Baptist? Oh. You mean Cracker barrel.
Yes we frequently eat breakfast at Central Baptist.
I need crack.
No I think less crack would be better.
She doesn't really hang out with anyone.
Is that because no one likes her?
I could send but not receive. Isn't that the story of most girls lives?
Omg this twilight movie shows boobs !!!!!!!
They did show heaving boobies.
Speaking of ass, there was a HESI question where to give the ventrogluteal injections and it had an ass pic. You had to select where to stick the needle. It was a hot ass too. I wanted to smack it.
I'm not surprised so many guys fail OB. Most of them couldn't find their way around a who-ha to save their lives.
Lauren's knocked up that's why she is getting boobalicious.
The underwear I have on today keep giving me camel toe.
You were buying toys for kids while I was attempting suicide.
Get all gangsta on my ass if need be.
Kaplan makes me poop. I think I just lost 5 pounds.
Today I was out of clean underwear. My only option was a pair of Pepto pink Hanes briefs that I stole from my mother last time I was out of clean underwear. I have to fold them down three times to avoid my belly button.
I think I have poop in my hair.
I cannot imagine christy packing a glock.
Ew. Did u seriously just talk about my dads ham?
Holiday Fun
Careful how much you drink. You may end up like I did one year, serving your family iced Gingerporn instead of angels and snowmen.
All five of the liquor stores we passed have been packed--- proof everyone else hates their families too.
It's like a cross between Christmas Vacation & The Family Stone.
My aunt is currently talking about trimming her bush this morning.
Yeah after we cussed each other out, we are good now.
Oh you were right about my mental instability tonight.
Put a bow on your cooch.
2011 was a great year.
Friday, December 16, 2011
I'm a nurse?
Yep, that's right. I graduated with another Bachelor's today. I'm kind of a professional student. I honestly feel like UK should be paying me, not the other way around.
This time, however, I won't have to sit in a dark cave with a giant calculator all day. As soon as I get my provisional license, I am allowed to start working as a nurse.
My life will soon revolve around diapers, pee, and bowel movements...so pretty much the same as my current title of stay-at-home mom except I will actually receive a paycheck. And hopefully none of my patients will bite my boob or yank out handfuls of my hair.
This time, however, I won't have to sit in a dark cave with a giant calculator all day. As soon as I get my provisional license, I am allowed to start working as a nurse.
My life will soon revolve around diapers, pee, and bowel movements...so pretty much the same as my current title of stay-at-home mom except I will actually receive a paycheck. And hopefully none of my patients will bite my boob or yank out handfuls of my hair.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Zombie Mom
You know how people say you turn into your mom? Well, I am becoming my mom, but not my conscious mom...my mom in her sleep.
Over the years, my family has gotten so many laughs out of my mom's nighttime antics. There was the time she ran out into the hallway screaming "You get back here!!" waking everyone up (turns out she was fighting a Chinese dude & he tried to escape). Then there was the time she told my dad off for making her eat a dirty sock. One of the funniest, and most dangerous, was when she fell asleep while I was driving and scared me half to death when she suddenly shouted "Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!" Evidently she had been petting "fish with fur on them" and got creeped out.
I am turning into a psychotic sleeper as well. I am going to chalk this up to one more fun side effect of having children, since this has started in the 13 months my daughter has been with us. I'm almost positive it's because I've learned how to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream while still being just aware enough to listen for my kid.
I am pretty anxious during storms because we live in a tiny house with no interior rooms in a subdivision that has been bulldozed by a tornado once already. But...having a newborn and no sleep meant when I did finally get to lay down I could sleep through ANYTHING. I could be whisked away to Oz with Dorothy & Toto and not have a clue til the next morning. I always sleep with the tv on if it's storming so I can wake up & see what Bill Meck has to say about weather conditions. One night I was up waaaaaaayyyy past my bedtime because of the tornado sirens. Finally around 4 a.m., I couldn't hold my eyes open and passed out. Next thing I know, Brian is asking me "what the hell are you doing? Get back in the bed." To which I frantically replied "But we HAVE to get out of here-there is a tornado!" Not only am I yelling and making zero sense, but I have picked up the baby (then about 5 months old), and I am bolting for the hallway with her.
I've done a lot of talking and laughing in my sleep since then. But it got really weird this week when I woke up to find myself sitting up in bed, leaning over Brian, and picking at his hair. It took me a minute to realize I was dreaming about Mallory making a big mess and I was trying to clean it up. I didn't wake Brian up, but I was laughing hysterically for 30 minutes so I couldn't go back to sleep! I asked him the next morning if I woke him up at all, and he said "no, but you're always picking at me so I probably wouldn't even notice."
I've officially cracked.
Over the years, my family has gotten so many laughs out of my mom's nighttime antics. There was the time she ran out into the hallway screaming "You get back here!!" waking everyone up (turns out she was fighting a Chinese dude & he tried to escape). Then there was the time she told my dad off for making her eat a dirty sock. One of the funniest, and most dangerous, was when she fell asleep while I was driving and scared me half to death when she suddenly shouted "Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!" Evidently she had been petting "fish with fur on them" and got creeped out.
I am turning into a psychotic sleeper as well. I am going to chalk this up to one more fun side effect of having children, since this has started in the 13 months my daughter has been with us. I'm almost positive it's because I've learned how to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream while still being just aware enough to listen for my kid.
I am pretty anxious during storms because we live in a tiny house with no interior rooms in a subdivision that has been bulldozed by a tornado once already. But...having a newborn and no sleep meant when I did finally get to lay down I could sleep through ANYTHING. I could be whisked away to Oz with Dorothy & Toto and not have a clue til the next morning. I always sleep with the tv on if it's storming so I can wake up & see what Bill Meck has to say about weather conditions. One night I was up waaaaaaayyyy past my bedtime because of the tornado sirens. Finally around 4 a.m., I couldn't hold my eyes open and passed out. Next thing I know, Brian is asking me "what the hell are you doing? Get back in the bed." To which I frantically replied "But we HAVE to get out of here-there is a tornado!" Not only am I yelling and making zero sense, but I have picked up the baby (then about 5 months old), and I am bolting for the hallway with her. I've done a lot of talking and laughing in my sleep since then. But it got really weird this week when I woke up to find myself sitting up in bed, leaning over Brian, and picking at his hair. It took me a minute to realize I was dreaming about Mallory making a big mess and I was trying to clean it up. I didn't wake Brian up, but I was laughing hysterically for 30 minutes so I couldn't go back to sleep! I asked him the next morning if I woke him up at all, and he said "no, but you're always picking at me so I probably wouldn't even notice."
I've officially cracked.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Boob Acrobatics
Before Mallory came along, there were so many things I didn't know about babies. I didn't realize how much they pooped or how much they screamed. I definitely didn't know how much a breastfed newborn eats.What surprised me most, though, is the things they can do while breastfeeding. Not only do they want to eat every hour, but I had no idea a child could hang upside down off your boob & touch the floor--all without letting go? Which brings me to my next fascinating discovery: I didn't know nipples could stretch up to 4 feet.
It's not just hanging off my lap. It's toes in my mouth, legs flung over my shoulder, using my thighs to "bounce" on, and barking along with the dogs. Amazing how many things a little person can do while simultaneously nursing.
I am in awe that my tatas can withstand such a force.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sassy Britches
My kid has really been showing her personality lately...and I'm scared.
A few weeks ago, she suddenly learned the word "no." I was getting dressed, and she was after a pile of magazines. I said "no, no Mallory don't touch." she looked at me, shook her head & replied "nenenene." Then she did it anyway. Next, it was the toilet paper. She started unrolling it, I told her no. She told me "nenenene," then unrolled half of it before I could pry it from her hand.
By the time of her 9 month check up, she had gotten totally out of control. We arrived at the doctor (late of course because that's how we roll), and the receptionist said "And what is her name?" Mallory gave her this look like "You'll know my name by the time I leave here." The receptionist said "Look at that smirk she's giving me! Someone has some attitude!"
After we got settled in the exam room, there was--as always--a long wait for the doctor. Mallory tried to either eat or shred all of the paper on the exam table while we waited. When the doctor arrived, she tried to listen to her heart and lungs and Mallory stole her stethoscope. She tried THREE times to look at Mallory's ears. Each attempt got her a smack in the face. After she finally got a good look, she told Mallory, "Good girl. I am all done with your ears." Mallory waved and told her "buh bye." The doctor said, "Well, I guess the exam's over!" Then she told her she was "Sassy."
Later the same night, she yelled at me while I ate dinner. I tried to feed her, but Ms. Independent Sassy Pants wanted to do it herself. She grabbed a 2.5 oz jar of prunes from my hand and proceeded to bath herself in it. When I took it away, she threw such a wild fit, the seat back on her high chair came loose (even though I usually have a hard time getting it to recline). She screamed at me so hard zucchini came out her nose...twice.
The first day of school arrived, & my mom came over to watch Mallory. As soon as her Grandmoodle walked in, she was DONE with me. I told her bye several times without so much as a glance from her. I walked over to kiss her on the head...she swatted at me & ducked so I couldn't get to her.
If this much attitude can fit in this small little package, I can't wait to see what she is going to do when she gets bigger.
A few weeks ago, she suddenly learned the word "no." I was getting dressed, and she was after a pile of magazines. I said "no, no Mallory don't touch." she looked at me, shook her head & replied "nenenene." Then she did it anyway. Next, it was the toilet paper. She started unrolling it, I told her no. She told me "nenenene," then unrolled half of it before I could pry it from her hand.
By the time of her 9 month check up, she had gotten totally out of control. We arrived at the doctor (late of course because that's how we roll), and the receptionist said "And what is her name?" Mallory gave her this look like "You'll know my name by the time I leave here." The receptionist said "Look at that smirk she's giving me! Someone has some attitude!"
 |
| Telling Mommy Nenenenene |
Later the same night, she yelled at me while I ate dinner. I tried to feed her, but Ms. Independent Sassy Pants wanted to do it herself. She grabbed a 2.5 oz jar of prunes from my hand and proceeded to bath herself in it. When I took it away, she threw such a wild fit, the seat back on her high chair came loose (even though I usually have a hard time getting it to recline). She screamed at me so hard zucchini came out her nose...twice.
The first day of school arrived, & my mom came over to watch Mallory. As soon as her Grandmoodle walked in, she was DONE with me. I told her bye several times without so much as a glance from her. I walked over to kiss her on the head...she swatted at me & ducked so I couldn't get to her.
If this much attitude can fit in this small little package, I can't wait to see what she is going to do when she gets bigger.
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