50 Ways to Procrastinate Studying for a Nursing Exam

1) Clean the lint out of your dryer.

2) Go pee. Even if you don't need to.

3) Eat a snack. Even if you're not hungry.

4) Brush your hair or teeth every time you pass a bathroom. Like peeing or eating, it doesn't matter if it's necessary--just do it.

5) Now would be a perfect time to trim your split ends.

6) Ditto for an eyebrow grooming.

7) Pin every picture you see to Pinterest. Who cares if you're actually interested? Or if your friends aren't? If they're in nursing school, they're doing it too.

8) Text everyone in your class to discuss how awful the test will be & bitch about how you really should be studying.

9) Watch a movie. It's okay if you don't even like the movie...that's not the point.

10) Refill your dog's food & water bowls every time they get below the full line.

11) Play fetch with dog. Or your kid.

12) Try on all your skinny jeans. Cooler weather will be here in two months & you MUST be prepared.

13) Now that you've found those perfect jeans, you have to find the right knee high boots for fall. Get thee to the Internet!!!

14) While you're on the net, don't forget to hop on Facebook & comment and/or like everyone's statuses, pics, videos, etc. Now make sure you repeat this every 15 minutes until test time.

15) Clean your toilets.

16) Wash every cup or plate you use right away...BY HAND! You don't need to bother with that perfectly functioning, overpriced new dishwasher.

17) Have your sister come over & bring you a box with 4,000 coupons in it. Sort through them all. Some may expire four months from now, but by God you better straighten them out NOW!

18) Color your hair. It's alright if you just did it a week ago. And if it's not the best color ever, go ahead and color it again.

19) It's a great time to start a craft project! Wanna learn to knit? Go for it!

20) Head to Taco Bell. What's better than interpreting ECG's at 2 a.m.? A fourthmeal!!!

21) Catch up on True Blood. Where else can you hear things like "oh sh*t...Marnie just puked a b*tch up."

22) Make a list of your top ten jokes about your friend Christy's mom.

23) Go to the grocery. Don't take a list...that way you will forget half of it and be forced to make several trips.

24) Have pictures that have been laying around for years!? Why not organize them in an album now? Better yet, get to Michael's for new supplies & make a complicated, intricate scrapbook for every year you've been alive.

25) Clean out & reorganize all your kitchen cabinets. I mean, in the long run you're saving yourself time. It will be so much easier to find things when you're running late for the nursing test you're putting off studying for.

26) Refill all the tp, paper towels, and Kleenex in your house. You will need the extra tp after your Taco Bell run.

27) Alphabetize your DVD collection.

28) Organize all of your hardback books according to the cover color.

29) While you're getting super organized, don't forget your closet. It's imperative that you have fancy shirts together, semi fancy shirts together, & not so fancy shirts together.

30) You probably should go ahead & sort your underwear drawer too.

31) Cut your toenails. Paint them while you're down there.

32) Don't have a color suitable for an I'm-enjoying-the-end-of-my-summer-by-avoiding-facing-the-reality-that-school-has-started-again statement? Ulta & their fabulous collection of OPI polish is calling you.

33) Do you have a Twitter account? You do now.

34) Make Christmas lists. For yourself, your parents, your dog, whoever. You only have 81 days 'til Black Friday arrives.

35) Today is a great day to sweep the dust bunnies out from under your bed.

36) Organize all your school notes and binders. Don't worry about reading them yet, just get them neat & in order.

37) Got some stuff you don't want? List it all on eBay. You may not get an 'A' on your test, but you'll have $50 in your pocket.

38) How many Hershey Kisses can YOU stuff in your mouth? If you don't know, there's no better time to find out.

39) Drink LOTS of coffee in preparation for your eventual studying. You may be jittery & unable to blink, but you will have the art of iced coffee making down pat.

40) Do all that laundry that has been piling up. It is always a good idea to wash your curtains, bedspread, or anything else that comes to mind.

41) Now that you've down some laundry, better check that lint trap again.

42) All the organizing and lint trap clearing has filled at least four trash bags. Time to make a few trips outside to toss it!

43) Never seen Jersey Shore? If nursing school has you feeling like less than a genius, looking at "The Situation" for 30 minutes will have you feeling like a rocket scientist.

44) While you're on the MTV kick, google to see what "Speidi" has been up to. Life just hasn't been the same without Heidi's jacked up nose job & Spencer's chin pubes.

45) Look at the NCLEX apps available on your iPhone. Once you download one, you will immediately feel like you've made some progress this semester-even if you never use the app.

46) Have you flossed your teeth today? Bonus if you're out of floss and this results in another grocery run.

47) Up at 4 a.m. to cram? Watch some infomercials. It is quite possible the Pajama Jeans could change your life.

48) The music on your iPod is starting to get on your nerves, isn't it? I think you need a new playlist.

49) Hey-since you're already at the computer working on that playlist, go ahead & clear off your camera. You need to check Facebook again anyway, so you might as well upload the last year's worth of pictures to your profile, right?

50) Waste your time reading some crazy person's blog. Did you really read the blog title & think this was a productive use of ten minutes?! Get back to work slacker!

Autocorrect says what!?

I have been reading damnyouautocorrect.com long before I got an iPhone. I always thought that, while hilarious, these things were so fake.

I FINALLY got an iPhone about a week ago, and I can now say I'll believe anything I see on that site. Where does it come up with some of this stuff?

Best autocorrect moment of the week goes to my convo with Christy S.:

We were discussing her reviewing her nclex book, as she is highly paranoid & already worrying about our final semester.

I told her to download a naked app so she could study. She said "how will that help me?" I guess my iPhone thought she needed help with some other problems besides nursing.

I was wrong

I know that is shocking. I am almost never wrong.

This time, I was so wrong it was ridiculous. It took my husband to point it out before I would even consider the possibility. And then it took his point being proven before I would believe it.

I didn't think being a parent would be THAT hard. I have babysat many babies overnight, including my niece, nephew, and both my younger cousins. Zaine (nephew) was the EASIEST baby in the world. I could lay him down on the floor and he'd watch movies with me until we both fell asleep. Then when he entered toddler age...still easy. I'd fill him up with a few pop-tarts & a beer and off to sleep he would go.

I am totally kidding about the pop tarts.

Mallory has been different than all four of these kids. She is easily bored, doesn't believe in naps, and she has known what she wants and when she wants it since she was born. If she doesn't get whatever she wants, when and where, there is hell to pay.

From the time I became pregnant until recently, I read so many articles about attachment parenting (AP)-mostly from Dr. Sears-including baby wearing, breastfeeding, and cosleeping or bedsharing. I was convinced all of this was the way to go. Mallory and I both enjoy nursing and we love the baby wearing...however the bedsharing was a TERRIBLE idea for us.

For the first 4.5 months, she slept in a travel bed next to our bed. She slept great in it, never woke up when I laid her down, and it was easy to nurse her and go right back to sleep.When she got old enough to roll over and try to escape, I tried to put her in the pack 'n play instead. From day one, she hated that thing. She would feel me lower her into it and stiffen up, opening her eyes immediately.  As soon as she touched the pack 'n play, she would pop back up like one of those damn jack in the box toys. If she did go to sleep, it was after several minutes of fussing and me trying to shove a binky in her screaming mouth while my back about gave out from leaning over the stupid play pen.

In order to get some sleep, I started letting her nurse and then stay in the bed with us. This is where everything went wrong. Dr. Sears said it's a great thing for babies to share beds with parents. And he also said if you're nursing, it makes it all sooooo much easier because everyone gets more rest. Blah Blah Blah...I am sorry to say this Dr. Sears, but this idea sucks.

She tossed, she turned, she moaned. She kicked me in the bladder so many times, I am sure I peed in the bed a little some nights. Brian and I both had stiff necks because we were terrified to move in case we rolled on her. Did I mention that at 8 months, this child was HALF the length I am?! That's a lot of leg flailing around.

Finally, Brian told me he thought we were doing something wrong. I disagreed. I didn't want to think that the entire set of parenting skills I had subscribed to were "wrong."

After I thought about it a few days, I realized that while some things were working for us (baby wearing and nursing), bedsharing was definitely not. While I did not want to move her to her crib and hear her cry, I had to face the fact that all of us were so exhausted we looked like we could play a role in "Night of the Living Dead." She spent a good portion of the day throwing fits and rubbing her eyes. I was cranky and could barely control my emotions.

When I counted up the times she had eaten the night before, I realized it was an average of about every 90 minutes. If boobies were cookies, she would be the Cookie Monster. Brian was right, this had to stop. She was ruling the household. At almost 9 months, I would not deny her one meal overnight if she needed it, but this was too much.

I wanted to try some "no-cry" strategies first, but she wasn't interested in those strategies. When I tried to soothe her, as the sleep experts termed it, she went ballistic. She would arch her back, scream, hit me in the face...anything to get me to put her down. Then when I put her down, she'd scream. Yep, that was real soothing. Nothing made this child happy! If I stood there with her, she would go to sleep. As soon as I walked off, more screaming. She was not learning to go to sleep this way. I would stand at her pack 'n play almost all night. It was then I knew she needed to go to her crib.

I decided to read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby" by Marc Weissbluth. I also got some advice from some great friends (thanks to Jennifer L., Jennifer S., Erin M., and Megan K.). With the book, advice, and a game plan, we were prepared for a long week of yelling and soothing and more yelling.

But then a crazy thing happened. We had a little yelling, but mostly sleep! Are you kidding me? All this time, I thought I was doing this awesome thing for her, letting her sleep with Mommy and nurse all night. All she wanted was to be comfy and stretched out in her own bed?!?

The first two nights, she did wake up three times. She went back to sleep pretty quickly each time. We found that the soothing went better if Daddy did it. He would go in after 5 minutes, then again after 10, then after 15. She really didn't even make it to the 15. When Mommy went in, she would get pissed off. Apparently, Mommy is only good for her hooters. When I failed to whip them out, she would turn into that kid from the Exorcist. She did everything but spin her head around backwards.

On the third night, we took shifts and prepared for her usual three awakenings. Much to my surprise, there were NONE. She slept 8 to 7. I awoke at least 7 times worrying something was wrong with her. It took every bit of my self control not to run into her room and check on her. The next morning, I heard her "talking" over the monitor saying her usual Dada, Mama, Boobah (yes that means what you think it does, lol). I ran in to pick her up because I missed her so much for that 11 hours, and she was up on all fours in her crib smiling away.

The two nights that followed were each a complete success (sleeping without waking from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. and no yelling when laid down for the night). I don't like being wrong, but I have to admit that this sleeping arrangement is a million times better for everyone involved. She is MUCH happier and more cooperative during the day. The best part is, Mommy can finally do things I want to do at night...like take a shower, watch tv, and play Bubble Blast on my new iPhone.

I am not going to tell Brian I was wrong because that is just not my style, but in case he is reading this: honey, I am sorry I dismissed your concerns. It won't happen again. Me being wrong that is. :)

Tampax, Party of One

I went to my Great Aunt Geneva's 90th birthday party this weekend and let's just say I had a surprise visitor join me.

Most of the people at this party were post menopausal age, so I had no choice but to approach a hostess for help. I quietly (well, as quiet as I can be anyway) asked her if she had anything in her purse & if so could she help me out. She said she did. I tried to be discreet & get behind the podium with her, but no, she has to hand me a tampon wrapped in bright pink plastic over the podium so the entire staff & every guest waiting in the lobby can see it.

I am not easily embarrassed, so I really could care less. However, I felt bad for the 15 men in the room. From the looks on their faces, you would think I had used the damn thing at the hostess station.

Why are men so weird about this? I once had a boyfriend who when I asked him to get me some tampons from my bathroom, actually said to me, "you want me to TOUCH THEM?!" They're in a box & wrapped in plastic, dumb ass. And last time I checked, they were not coated in radioactive materials.

The day got even better from there. Mallory pooped all down her leg, covering my favorite shirt, & once again resulting in an impromptu sink bath. Then after deciding I needed a nice glass of ice tea (like that was going to fix my day?), I ended up missing my glass of ice & pouring scalding hot tea on my finger. In 24 hours, I had ruined 2 articles of clothing, got sh*t on, & given myself a 2nd degree burn.

It's days like this that make the rest of you feel better about YOUR lousy day. You're welcome.

The Klutz Strikes Again

I should not be allowed to touch anything...ever. No plates with food on them, no cans full of soda, no glass vials full of insulin & especially no ice cream cones (my dad is laughing right now). I am probably the only person in the world who can knock myself out while carrying bed rails up two steps into the front door. But that is a long, painful story for another time.

Even when I am trying to prevent a mess I end up making one. Case in point, today when I tried to save Brian's dessert from the dogs. As usual, he got up and left his tray where they could easily reach it. In my attempt to push it away from the recliner, I knocked his full can of Coke off onto the floor.

Of course it didn't pour out into a neat little puddle--that would have been easy to clean up & that's not my style. Instead, it hit the ground with such a thud that the can dented & the Coke sprayed up into the air, completely hosing down the receiver, speakers, and Mallory's Jumperoo.

Before I could clean it up, the dogs licked up every little bit of Coke they could find. How appropriate that I was worried about them eating a little piece of pie crust & they ended up getting a whole can of Coca~Cola. Not to mention that while I was panicking they got the damn pie crust too.

If you have met my dogs, you know they don't need caffeine to raise hell. I will consider myself lucky if they blink tonight, let alone sleep.

My Mommy has Pooping Problems

My family has pointed out that when I typed up the best moments in Zaine's comedic history, I missed a very important event. I am not sure how I could ever forget this one...

As all adults are supposed to do once they hit the age of 50, my mom was scheduled to get her pooper checked. My sister and Zaine accompanied her to the doctor on the day of her colonoscopy. While my mom was in the doctor's office, Kristi decided to go to Atlanta Bread Company.

While they were standing in line, Zaine loudly asked my sister, "Mommy, when are you going to get YOUR butt checked?"

The woman behind them started laughing. Not one to waste an opportunity for attention, Zaine informed her "My mommy and my Moodle have pooping problems, but my Granny doesn't."

I can only hope that my child is this hysterical.

The Spicy Chicken Monster

If you're easily grossed out, you should pick a different entry to read.

Until you're a parent, you most likely think diapers aren't that bad. I mean, it's a tiny, cute little baby right? How much can they possibly poop?

My daughter took a gargantuan dump today. I am talking an-up-to-her-neck-squishing-out-both-sides-of-the-diaper-took-a-whole-package-of-wipes-and-the-sprayer-on-the-kitchen-sink-to-clean-it-off dump.

I want to know how such a small, beautiful, delicate little girl can take a crap the size of my Yorkie. Seriously?! Up to her neck?!?! She is 7 months old, and her stomach is the size of my fist...how did she even eat enough to produce that amount of stool?

The best part is: it was not only the exact same color as a Wendy's Spicy Chicken sandwich, but it also had the same distinct aroma.

Anyone hungry?

Oh, and my mom texted me to tell me she sat down to pee and had a lightening bug in her pants. Just when I didn't think the day could get any better.