I'm a nurse?

Yep, that's right. I graduated with another Bachelor's today. I'm kind of a professional student. I honestly feel like UK should be paying me, not the other way around.

This time, however, I won't have to sit in a dark cave with a giant calculator all day. As soon as I get my provisional license, I am allowed to start working as a nurse.

My life will soon revolve around diapers, pee, and bowel movements...so pretty much the same as my current title of stay-at-home mom except I will actually receive a paycheck. And hopefully none of my patients will bite my boob or yank out handfuls of my hair.

Zombie Mom

You know how people say you turn into your mom? Well, I am becoming my mom, but not my conscious mom...my mom in her sleep.

Over the years, my family has gotten so many laughs out of my mom's nighttime antics. There was the time she ran out into the hallway screaming "You get back here!!" waking everyone up (turns out she was fighting a Chinese dude & he tried to escape). Then there was the time she told my dad off for making her eat a dirty sock. One of the funniest, and most dangerous, was when she fell asleep while I was driving and scared me half to death when she suddenly shouted "Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!" Evidently she had been petting "fish with fur on them" and got creeped out.

I am turning into a psychotic sleeper as well. I am going to chalk this up to one more fun side effect of having children, since this has started in the 13 months my daughter has been with us. I'm almost positive it's because I've learned how to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream while still being just aware enough to listen for my kid.

I am pretty anxious during storms because we live in a tiny house with no interior rooms in a subdivision that has been bulldozed by a tornado once already. But...having a newborn and no sleep meant when I did finally get to lay down I could sleep through ANYTHING. I could be whisked away to Oz with Dorothy & Toto and not have a clue til the next morning. I always sleep with the tv on if it's storming so I can wake up & see what Bill Meck has to say about weather conditions. One night I was up waaaaaaayyyy past my bedtime because of the tornado sirens. Finally around 4 a.m., I couldn't hold my eyes open and passed out. Next thing I know, Brian is asking me "what the hell are you doing? Get back in the bed." To which I frantically replied "But we HAVE to get out of here-there is a tornado!" Not only am I yelling and making zero sense, but I have picked up the baby (then about 5 months old), and I am bolting for the hallway with her.

I've done a lot of talking and laughing in my sleep since then. But it got really weird this week when I woke up to find myself sitting up in bed, leaning over Brian, and picking at his hair. It took me a minute to realize I was dreaming about Mallory making a big mess and I was trying to clean it up. I didn't wake Brian up, but I was laughing hysterically for 30 minutes so I couldn't go back to sleep! I asked him the next morning if I woke him up at all, and he said "no, but you're always picking at me so I probably wouldn't even notice."

I've officially cracked.

Boob Acrobatics

Before Mallory came along, there were so many things I didn't know about babies. I didn't realize how much they pooped or how much they screamed. I definitely didn't know how much a breastfed newborn eats.

What surprised me most, though, is the things they can do while breastfeeding. Not only do they want to eat every hour, but I had no idea a child could hang upside down off your boob & touch the floor--all without letting go? Which brings me to my next fascinating discovery: I didn't know nipples could stretch up to 4 feet.

It's not just hanging off my lap. It's toes in my mouth, legs flung over my shoulder, using my thighs to "bounce" on, and barking along with the dogs. Amazing how many things a little person can do while simultaneously nursing.

I am in awe that my tatas can withstand such a force.

Sassy Britches

My kid has really been showing her personality lately...and I'm scared.

A few weeks ago, she suddenly learned the word "no." I was getting dressed, and she was after a pile of magazines. I said "no, no Mallory don't touch." she looked at me, shook her head & replied "nenenene." Then she did it anyway. Next, it was the toilet paper. She started unrolling it, I told her no. She told me "nenenene," then unrolled half of it before I could pry it from her hand.

By the time of her 9 month check up, she had gotten totally out of control. We arrived at the doctor (late of course because that's how we roll), and the receptionist said "And what is her name?" Mallory gave her this look like "You'll know my name by the time I leave here." The receptionist said "Look at that smirk she's giving me! Someone has some attitude!"

Telling Mommy Nenenenene

After we got settled in the exam room, there was--as always--a long wait for the doctor. Mallory tried to either eat or shred all of the paper on the exam table while we waited. When the doctor arrived, she tried to listen to her heart and lungs and Mallory stole her stethoscope. She tried THREE times to look at Mallory's ears. Each attempt got her a smack in the face. After she finally got a good look, she told Mallory, "Good girl. I am all done with your ears." Mallory waved and told her "buh bye." The doctor said, "Well, I guess the exam's over!" Then she told her she was "Sassy."

Later the same night, she yelled at me while I ate dinner. I tried to feed her, but Ms. Independent Sassy Pants wanted to do it herself. She grabbed a 2.5 oz jar of prunes from my hand and proceeded to bath herself in it. When I took it away, she threw such a wild fit, the seat back on her high chair came loose (even though I usually have a hard time getting it to recline). She screamed at me so hard zucchini came out her nose...twice.

The first day of school arrived, & my mom came over to watch Mallory. As soon as her Grandmoodle walked in, she was DONE with me. I told her bye several times without so much as a glance from her. I walked over to kiss her on the head...she swatted at me & ducked so I couldn't get to her.

If this much attitude can fit in this small little package, I can't wait to see what she is going to do when she gets bigger.

50 Ways to Procrastinate Studying for a Nursing Exam

1) Clean the lint out of your dryer.

2) Go pee. Even if you don't need to.

3) Eat a snack. Even if you're not hungry.

4) Brush your hair or teeth every time you pass a bathroom. Like peeing or eating, it doesn't matter if it's necessary--just do it.

5) Now would be a perfect time to trim your split ends.

6) Ditto for an eyebrow grooming.

7) Pin every picture you see to Pinterest. Who cares if you're actually interested? Or if your friends aren't? If they're in nursing school, they're doing it too.

8) Text everyone in your class to discuss how awful the test will be & bitch about how you really should be studying.

9) Watch a movie. It's okay if you don't even like the movie...that's not the point.

10) Refill your dog's food & water bowls every time they get below the full line.

11) Play fetch with dog. Or your kid.

12) Try on all your skinny jeans. Cooler weather will be here in two months & you MUST be prepared.

13) Now that you've found those perfect jeans, you have to find the right knee high boots for fall. Get thee to the Internet!!!

14) While you're on the net, don't forget to hop on Facebook & comment and/or like everyone's statuses, pics, videos, etc. Now make sure you repeat this every 15 minutes until test time.

15) Clean your toilets.

16) Wash every cup or plate you use right away...BY HAND! You don't need to bother with that perfectly functioning, overpriced new dishwasher.

17) Have your sister come over & bring you a box with 4,000 coupons in it. Sort through them all. Some may expire four months from now, but by God you better straighten them out NOW!

18) Color your hair. It's alright if you just did it a week ago. And if it's not the best color ever, go ahead and color it again.

19) It's a great time to start a craft project! Wanna learn to knit? Go for it!

20) Head to Taco Bell. What's better than interpreting ECG's at 2 a.m.? A fourthmeal!!!

21) Catch up on True Blood. Where else can you hear things like "oh sh*t...Marnie just puked a b*tch up."

22) Make a list of your top ten jokes about your friend Christy's mom.

23) Go to the grocery. Don't take a list...that way you will forget half of it and be forced to make several trips.

24) Have pictures that have been laying around for years!? Why not organize them in an album now? Better yet, get to Michael's for new supplies & make a complicated, intricate scrapbook for every year you've been alive.

25) Clean out & reorganize all your kitchen cabinets. I mean, in the long run you're saving yourself time. It will be so much easier to find things when you're running late for the nursing test you're putting off studying for.

26) Refill all the tp, paper towels, and Kleenex in your house. You will need the extra tp after your Taco Bell run.

27) Alphabetize your DVD collection.

28) Organize all of your hardback books according to the cover color.

29) While you're getting super organized, don't forget your closet. It's imperative that you have fancy shirts together, semi fancy shirts together, & not so fancy shirts together.

30) You probably should go ahead & sort your underwear drawer too.

31) Cut your toenails. Paint them while you're down there.

32) Don't have a color suitable for an I'm-enjoying-the-end-of-my-summer-by-avoiding-facing-the-reality-that-school-has-started-again statement? Ulta & their fabulous collection of OPI polish is calling you.

33) Do you have a Twitter account? You do now.

34) Make Christmas lists. For yourself, your parents, your dog, whoever. You only have 81 days 'til Black Friday arrives.

35) Today is a great day to sweep the dust bunnies out from under your bed.

36) Organize all your school notes and binders. Don't worry about reading them yet, just get them neat & in order.

37) Got some stuff you don't want? List it all on eBay. You may not get an 'A' on your test, but you'll have $50 in your pocket.

38) How many Hershey Kisses can YOU stuff in your mouth? If you don't know, there's no better time to find out.

39) Drink LOTS of coffee in preparation for your eventual studying. You may be jittery & unable to blink, but you will have the art of iced coffee making down pat.

40) Do all that laundry that has been piling up. It is always a good idea to wash your curtains, bedspread, or anything else that comes to mind.

41) Now that you've down some laundry, better check that lint trap again.

42) All the organizing and lint trap clearing has filled at least four trash bags. Time to make a few trips outside to toss it!

43) Never seen Jersey Shore? If nursing school has you feeling like less than a genius, looking at "The Situation" for 30 minutes will have you feeling like a rocket scientist.

44) While you're on the MTV kick, google to see what "Speidi" has been up to. Life just hasn't been the same without Heidi's jacked up nose job & Spencer's chin pubes.

45) Look at the NCLEX apps available on your iPhone. Once you download one, you will immediately feel like you've made some progress this semester-even if you never use the app.

46) Have you flossed your teeth today? Bonus if you're out of floss and this results in another grocery run.

47) Up at 4 a.m. to cram? Watch some infomercials. It is quite possible the Pajama Jeans could change your life.

48) The music on your iPod is starting to get on your nerves, isn't it? I think you need a new playlist.

49) Hey-since you're already at the computer working on that playlist, go ahead & clear off your camera. You need to check Facebook again anyway, so you might as well upload the last year's worth of pictures to your profile, right?

50) Waste your time reading some crazy person's blog. Did you really read the blog title & think this was a productive use of ten minutes?! Get back to work slacker!

Autocorrect says what!?

I have been reading damnyouautocorrect.com long before I got an iPhone. I always thought that, while hilarious, these things were so fake.

I FINALLY got an iPhone about a week ago, and I can now say I'll believe anything I see on that site. Where does it come up with some of this stuff?

Best autocorrect moment of the week goes to my convo with Christy S.:

We were discussing her reviewing her nclex book, as she is highly paranoid & already worrying about our final semester.

I told her to download a naked app so she could study. She said "how will that help me?" I guess my iPhone thought she needed help with some other problems besides nursing.

I was wrong

I know that is shocking. I am almost never wrong.

This time, I was so wrong it was ridiculous. It took my husband to point it out before I would even consider the possibility. And then it took his point being proven before I would believe it.

I didn't think being a parent would be THAT hard. I have babysat many babies overnight, including my niece, nephew, and both my younger cousins. Zaine (nephew) was the EASIEST baby in the world. I could lay him down on the floor and he'd watch movies with me until we both fell asleep. Then when he entered toddler age...still easy. I'd fill him up with a few pop-tarts & a beer and off to sleep he would go.

I am totally kidding about the pop tarts.

Mallory has been different than all four of these kids. She is easily bored, doesn't believe in naps, and she has known what she wants and when she wants it since she was born. If she doesn't get whatever she wants, when and where, there is hell to pay.

From the time I became pregnant until recently, I read so many articles about attachment parenting (AP)-mostly from Dr. Sears-including baby wearing, breastfeeding, and cosleeping or bedsharing. I was convinced all of this was the way to go. Mallory and I both enjoy nursing and we love the baby wearing...however the bedsharing was a TERRIBLE idea for us.

For the first 4.5 months, she slept in a travel bed next to our bed. She slept great in it, never woke up when I laid her down, and it was easy to nurse her and go right back to sleep.When she got old enough to roll over and try to escape, I tried to put her in the pack 'n play instead. From day one, she hated that thing. She would feel me lower her into it and stiffen up, opening her eyes immediately.  As soon as she touched the pack 'n play, she would pop back up like one of those damn jack in the box toys. If she did go to sleep, it was after several minutes of fussing and me trying to shove a binky in her screaming mouth while my back about gave out from leaning over the stupid play pen.

In order to get some sleep, I started letting her nurse and then stay in the bed with us. This is where everything went wrong. Dr. Sears said it's a great thing for babies to share beds with parents. And he also said if you're nursing, it makes it all sooooo much easier because everyone gets more rest. Blah Blah Blah...I am sorry to say this Dr. Sears, but this idea sucks.

She tossed, she turned, she moaned. She kicked me in the bladder so many times, I am sure I peed in the bed a little some nights. Brian and I both had stiff necks because we were terrified to move in case we rolled on her. Did I mention that at 8 months, this child was HALF the length I am?! That's a lot of leg flailing around.

Finally, Brian told me he thought we were doing something wrong. I disagreed. I didn't want to think that the entire set of parenting skills I had subscribed to were "wrong."

After I thought about it a few days, I realized that while some things were working for us (baby wearing and nursing), bedsharing was definitely not. While I did not want to move her to her crib and hear her cry, I had to face the fact that all of us were so exhausted we looked like we could play a role in "Night of the Living Dead." She spent a good portion of the day throwing fits and rubbing her eyes. I was cranky and could barely control my emotions.

When I counted up the times she had eaten the night before, I realized it was an average of about every 90 minutes. If boobies were cookies, she would be the Cookie Monster. Brian was right, this had to stop. She was ruling the household. At almost 9 months, I would not deny her one meal overnight if she needed it, but this was too much.

I wanted to try some "no-cry" strategies first, but she wasn't interested in those strategies. When I tried to soothe her, as the sleep experts termed it, she went ballistic. She would arch her back, scream, hit me in the face...anything to get me to put her down. Then when I put her down, she'd scream. Yep, that was real soothing. Nothing made this child happy! If I stood there with her, she would go to sleep. As soon as I walked off, more screaming. She was not learning to go to sleep this way. I would stand at her pack 'n play almost all night. It was then I knew she needed to go to her crib.

I decided to read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby" by Marc Weissbluth. I also got some advice from some great friends (thanks to Jennifer L., Jennifer S., Erin M., and Megan K.). With the book, advice, and a game plan, we were prepared for a long week of yelling and soothing and more yelling.

But then a crazy thing happened. We had a little yelling, but mostly sleep! Are you kidding me? All this time, I thought I was doing this awesome thing for her, letting her sleep with Mommy and nurse all night. All she wanted was to be comfy and stretched out in her own bed?!?

The first two nights, she did wake up three times. She went back to sleep pretty quickly each time. We found that the soothing went better if Daddy did it. He would go in after 5 minutes, then again after 10, then after 15. She really didn't even make it to the 15. When Mommy went in, she would get pissed off. Apparently, Mommy is only good for her hooters. When I failed to whip them out, she would turn into that kid from the Exorcist. She did everything but spin her head around backwards.

On the third night, we took shifts and prepared for her usual three awakenings. Much to my surprise, there were NONE. She slept 8 to 7. I awoke at least 7 times worrying something was wrong with her. It took every bit of my self control not to run into her room and check on her. The next morning, I heard her "talking" over the monitor saying her usual Dada, Mama, Boobah (yes that means what you think it does, lol). I ran in to pick her up because I missed her so much for that 11 hours, and she was up on all fours in her crib smiling away.

The two nights that followed were each a complete success (sleeping without waking from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. and no yelling when laid down for the night). I don't like being wrong, but I have to admit that this sleeping arrangement is a million times better for everyone involved. She is MUCH happier and more cooperative during the day. The best part is, Mommy can finally do things I want to do at night...like take a shower, watch tv, and play Bubble Blast on my new iPhone.

I am not going to tell Brian I was wrong because that is just not my style, but in case he is reading this: honey, I am sorry I dismissed your concerns. It won't happen again. Me being wrong that is. :)

Tampax, Party of One

I went to my Great Aunt Geneva's 90th birthday party this weekend and let's just say I had a surprise visitor join me.

Most of the people at this party were post menopausal age, so I had no choice but to approach a hostess for help. I quietly (well, as quiet as I can be anyway) asked her if she had anything in her purse & if so could she help me out. She said she did. I tried to be discreet & get behind the podium with her, but no, she has to hand me a tampon wrapped in bright pink plastic over the podium so the entire staff & every guest waiting in the lobby can see it.

I am not easily embarrassed, so I really could care less. However, I felt bad for the 15 men in the room. From the looks on their faces, you would think I had used the damn thing at the hostess station.

Why are men so weird about this? I once had a boyfriend who when I asked him to get me some tampons from my bathroom, actually said to me, "you want me to TOUCH THEM?!" They're in a box & wrapped in plastic, dumb ass. And last time I checked, they were not coated in radioactive materials.

The day got even better from there. Mallory pooped all down her leg, covering my favorite shirt, & once again resulting in an impromptu sink bath. Then after deciding I needed a nice glass of ice tea (like that was going to fix my day?), I ended up missing my glass of ice & pouring scalding hot tea on my finger. In 24 hours, I had ruined 2 articles of clothing, got sh*t on, & given myself a 2nd degree burn.

It's days like this that make the rest of you feel better about YOUR lousy day. You're welcome.

The Klutz Strikes Again

I should not be allowed to touch anything...ever. No plates with food on them, no cans full of soda, no glass vials full of insulin & especially no ice cream cones (my dad is laughing right now). I am probably the only person in the world who can knock myself out while carrying bed rails up two steps into the front door. But that is a long, painful story for another time.

Even when I am trying to prevent a mess I end up making one. Case in point, today when I tried to save Brian's dessert from the dogs. As usual, he got up and left his tray where they could easily reach it. In my attempt to push it away from the recliner, I knocked his full can of Coke off onto the floor.

Of course it didn't pour out into a neat little puddle--that would have been easy to clean up & that's not my style. Instead, it hit the ground with such a thud that the can dented & the Coke sprayed up into the air, completely hosing down the receiver, speakers, and Mallory's Jumperoo.

Before I could clean it up, the dogs licked up every little bit of Coke they could find. How appropriate that I was worried about them eating a little piece of pie crust & they ended up getting a whole can of Coca~Cola. Not to mention that while I was panicking they got the damn pie crust too.

If you have met my dogs, you know they don't need caffeine to raise hell. I will consider myself lucky if they blink tonight, let alone sleep.

My Mommy has Pooping Problems

My family has pointed out that when I typed up the best moments in Zaine's comedic history, I missed a very important event. I am not sure how I could ever forget this one...

As all adults are supposed to do once they hit the age of 50, my mom was scheduled to get her pooper checked. My sister and Zaine accompanied her to the doctor on the day of her colonoscopy. While my mom was in the doctor's office, Kristi decided to go to Atlanta Bread Company.

While they were standing in line, Zaine loudly asked my sister, "Mommy, when are you going to get YOUR butt checked?"

The woman behind them started laughing. Not one to waste an opportunity for attention, Zaine informed her "My mommy and my Moodle have pooping problems, but my Granny doesn't."

I can only hope that my child is this hysterical.

The Spicy Chicken Monster

If you're easily grossed out, you should pick a different entry to read.

Until you're a parent, you most likely think diapers aren't that bad. I mean, it's a tiny, cute little baby right? How much can they possibly poop?

My daughter took a gargantuan dump today. I am talking an-up-to-her-neck-squishing-out-both-sides-of-the-diaper-took-a-whole-package-of-wipes-and-the-sprayer-on-the-kitchen-sink-to-clean-it-off dump.

I want to know how such a small, beautiful, delicate little girl can take a crap the size of my Yorkie. Seriously?! Up to her neck?!?! She is 7 months old, and her stomach is the size of my fist...how did she even eat enough to produce that amount of stool?

The best part is: it was not only the exact same color as a Wendy's Spicy Chicken sandwich, but it also had the same distinct aroma.

Anyone hungry?

Oh, and my mom texted me to tell me she sat down to pee and had a lightening bug in her pants. Just when I didn't think the day could get any better.

Surviving Vacation

We took Mallory on her first vacation this month and...we survived! I was not sure how this trip would go with a teething baby who still doesn't sleep through the night and a husband who gets crabby if he is too tired, too hot, or spends too much time trapped in a car with a woman who talks too much.

The 9 hour drive was a total success, as Mallory slept through the night for the first time EVER! I owe a huge thank you to the makers of the Britax Marathon because I believe they are entirely responsible for our peace and quiet. She never slept more than 30 minutes at a time in her old car seat.

We went by my cousin Ashleigh's house first. She lives in Hubert, NC with her hubby Casey (who is a Marine and away for the summer) and their almost 1 year old Cayman. Mallory & Cayman had a good time going for walks together each night and playing with Cayman's jumperoo.

We brought Ashleigh a peach pie from Kroger since she doesn't have Kroger in Hubert. I tried a little slice and it was yummy. More to follow on the pie.

After a few days, we went on to Myrtle Beach to meet up with our families. What a week. I saw the beach a total of 4 hours I think. Little did I know that Mallory's first tooth would be making its debut a day or two after vacation and would torment her the entire trip. She didn't sleep, refused to eat solid food, pooped every 2 hours, and screamed like a banshee every time I tried to put a bathing suit on her. So while Brian had a relaxing week of golf, fishing, and Bud Light, I had a nice view of the condo walls. Luckily, my mother-in-law took pity on me and tried to help when she could.

Did I mention I had a final exam during this week?

The highlight of the week was my quest for a peach pie like I had delivered to Ashleigh a few days earlier. On our first night at the beach, I picked up a pie labeled "peach" at Kroger. I got back to the condo and attacked that pie like I had never eaten. After shoving it violently in my mouth, I realized it was apple pie. This may not sound like a problem. However, when I have a craving I don't settle for something else. And apple is like my 2nd to least favorite pie behind pecan. I made sure everyone knew about my disappointment.

The next day, Brian and my dad went to Kroger for groceries. I told Brian to get a peach pie, and I stressed "make sure it's not APPLE." When he got back, I ripped the pie out of his hand and sniffed it...apple again. Not one but TWO labels on the container mocked me by clearly stating "peach pie."

For the rest of the week, I heard comments such as "I think I'll go have a piece of peach pie" or "What would YOU like for dessert Erin?" Good thing I have a sense of humor. By the time I got home, I was obsessed with peach pie. I finally got my long awaited peach pie this week, and I was not let down. It is delicious, and it makes up for every bit of the struggle.

All in all, the first vacation with baby was a lot of work when I add up all the hours I spent packing, unpacking, washing her clothes, cleaning up poop & puke, lathering her in sunscreen, squeezing her immense fat rolls into teeny swimsuits, and trying to convince her in a frantic whisper to "please go to sleep before you wake the entire condo." It was still a GOOD vacation though. Yes my husband is grouchy & doesn't always recognize that I need help with the baby, and yes the baby makes me exhausted and bonkers when she gets in these moods. Each of us were healthy enough to make the trip, we got to spend the week with our families, and Mallory got to see the beach for the first time. Pain in the butt or not, the time together is precious. Can't wait to go again next year.

Father's Day

Brian's first Father's Day weekend was mostly successful. Mallory was in a good mood about 50% of the time, which is better than usual since this teething madness has started.

She got her Daddy a basket of goodies for work, which included a #1 Dad coffee mug with her picture on it.

Even though I am almost a week late, I would like to share some of my favorite Daddy pics.

Did everyone else have a great Father's Day? Here's hoping it made up for the hell the kids put you through the other 364 days a year. ;)

My comedic muse, Mr. Zaine Miracle

I often share my stories about my nephew Zaine, who is now 8 years old, and I get a big laugh. I have been making a mental note for months of all the hilarious things he has said and done, so this is my written tribute to the funniest kid I have ever met--Jacob Zaine Miracle.

One of my earliest experiences with Zaine's humor happened at my Mammaw's when he was a little over 2 years old. He was in his high chair & seated at the end of the table. My parents, Mammaw, and my other set of grandparents, Mimi & Paw, were seated at the table eating dinner. He was half-eating, half-playing with his slices of American cheese when he suddenly tried to put a slimy, slobbery piece in my mouth. I gagged and almost lost my dinner. Everyone at the table, including me, laughed uncontrollably. I was in tears (I mean, this was some NASTY cheese), and Zaine looked around at us and said, "We're ALL laughing," then proceeded to throw his head back & crack up at me with the rest of the family. It was a small start in his comedy career, but I will forever remember that moment when he discovered his ability to make us all laugh. It was also a big step because he hadn't been talking much, and we were getting anxious for him to start using sentences instead of a few words here and there.

A few months later, closer to his 3rd birthday, he got a little more talkative and started expanding his comedic horizons. My parents & I had been telling him that old joke that goes, "How do you scare a bee?" Answer: "Boo-bee." For the millionth time, we asked Zaine the question, hoping he would give us his cute little response. Instead, Zaine looks at us and states, "I'd call it a b*tch." I somehow got the blame for this one, but I promise Auntie Erin did not teach him that one.

He continued to amuse us endlessly, but when he hit the age of 5 his sense of humor went through the roof. He enjoyed testing the limit and seeing what he could get away with. One day we were watching one of those dog shows on Animal Planet, and he said, "Auntie Erin, that judge just called that dog a BITCH!" I said, "Yes, Zaine. That is what female dogs are called." Zaine sat in total silence for about 2 minutes. He finally replied, "So...Porkchop's a bitch." It wasn't even a question, just a statement. I laughed so hard I fell off the couch . Eventually, I had to pretend to be the responsible aunt and explain to him that he still can't say that word regardless of the context.

Anyone who has hung around me very long knows I am all about a good "mom" joke. Zaine heard these jokes day in & day out and of course he never got them. He was eating lunch at my house and sitting sideways in the chair. The dogs were circling him, long ago having figured out he was their best chance at getting some scraps. I said to him, "Zaine, turn around and sit up in your chair before Porkchop eats your biscuit." He looked at me and said matter-of-factly, "Porkchop's gonna eat your mom's biscuit." I almost peed in my pants. He didn't know exactly how perfect his mom joke was but when he saw my reaction, he proclaimed "that was my first big hilarious joke!"

On Halloween a few years ago, I asked my mom if my outfit made my butt look fat. Zaine replied for her, "Your butt looks a little bit fat." When I got mad at him, he responded, "What? I only said a LITTLE BIT fat." Apparently he had not yet mastered the male art of answering a loaded question.

Zaine went in my bathroom one day, and he came back out with a strange look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and he told me something in the bathroom scared him. I said, "Oh, it was the Glade Sense 'n Spray. It sprays air freshener whenever someone gets near it." Zaine thought for a minute, as he always does, then answered, "How did it know I needed to go #2?"

After I miscarried with our first baby, Zaine was full of questions. It is a difficult thing for a kid to understand. He grilled me relentlessly wanting details. His biggest question was, "Exactly HOW are you going to get pregnant again Auntie Erin?" I told him to ask his mom. She explained to him the bare minimum and told him not to go to school talking about it to his friends. He replied, "I wouldn't tell my friends that. They probably wouldn't even believe me. And they'd probably throw up because that's DISGUSTING!"

This year I got him one of those giant suckers you dip in Pop Rocks candy for a Valentine's gift. He somehow broke the sucker, stepped on a sharp piece of it, and hurt his toe. If you know the drama queen that is Zaine you can picture the next scene. He rolled around in the floor, holding his foot, and fake crying. He announced to my sister that Valentine's gifts are "supposed to bring LOVE, not pain."

And finally my personal favorite: During his 2nd grade year, Zaine approached my sister as she was getting ready to take him to school and told her, "Mommy I need to change my pants. I gambled on a fart and lost." Yep, he had pooped his pants.

I could go on & on all day, but these are some of my funniest memories of the best nephew I could ask for. I am delighted to take part in developing his often inappropriate sense of humor. I am one proud aunt. Love you, Zaine.

The bearded lady?

When I got pregnant, I worried about the usual: stretch marks and a saggy, jiggly stomach. No one told me about the other crazy side effects.

I have recently discovered I am growing a beard. Yes, you read that right. On a daily basis, I find at least 3 new thick, wiry chin pubes. What is this about?

I am now using enough Gigi's Wax to keep a Sally Beauty Store in business.

I guess since I didn't get the stretch marks at all and my belly is rapidly shrinking to almost nothing, this is my punishment?!?!

On the other hand, maybe it's a blessing...wax is definitely cheaper than a tummy tuck and StriVectin.

A great day after a week of blah...

Mallory felt AWESOME today! After a week and 1/2 of the extreme grouchiness that can come with teething we finally had a happy day.

She got up around 8 a.m. We shared a banana and played while Mommy drank her coffee. I tried & tried to get a picture of her first tooth that is barely peeking through, but every time I snapped the pic she stuck her tongue out.

When breakfast was over, her & Chewy "helped" Mommy work out. Next we got ready for lunch at Smashing Tomato with some fun friends from ecampus. We decided on a super cute pink & orange sundress from Mimi. Mallory has to look good when she hits the town.

I was a little scared about lunch since she has had a rough time lately, but she sat up in her high chair with one foot propped up and "talked" to everyone. She was a very sweet girl.

After lunch, we went to the Dollar Tree & Kroger to pick up some Father's Day goodies. Mallory rode in her Kokopax (a backpack carrier) on both trips and didn't make a peep. She did, however, flash her precious little smile at every person who passed her & exclaimed "What a pretty baby!" She knows when she is getting a compliment already...I am going to have my hands full with this one.

We got done shopping and came home for a nice long nap & a chat with our Mammaw. I am not sure who was more worn out today, but the nap refreshed us for dinner. We made Daddy some pasta with zucchini & squash and a yummy salad with tomato & cucumber. Then Mallory ate her sweet potatoes and corn and some pears for dessert.

Finally, we all had our bedtime ritual of diapering, changing clothes, brushing our teeth & hair, and Daddy reading a book. Tonight was "Walter the Farting Dog." Mallory got really excited about the book and tried to kick it out of his hand while he read. When she got sleepy enough and decided to stop kicking, we all cuddled until she fell asleep.

Just a normal day, but a perfect day. And she only pooped ONCE. I am such a lucky girl.

I have a serious case of CRS

Can't remember sh*t that is...

Everyone kept telling me while I was pregnant, "You think your memory is bad now, wait til the baby gets here." I hate to admit that they are right...but they are right. Having kids gives you a CRS disorder. Why didn't I learn this in nursing school?

After reading a former co-worker's blog today, I decided to start my own--just to hang on to those amazing memories that sometimes get lost in the haziness of my sleep-deprived-stay-at-home-mom-dog-sitter-nursing-school-student life.

With a 7 month old daughter, 2 small dogs, a niece, a nephew, a character of a husband, and some crazy nursing school experiences, my life is pretty damn funny. My friends seem to enjoy my stories so much it would be a shame to lose them. So we start here.

I don't have much time at the moment, but I would like to memorialize what I found when I went in the living room to eat my lunch. Exactly what message is Chewy trying to send me?

I have to go now--Mallory just filled her pants (again).