Uh oh...

My toddler has me trained. I have become one of those parents. Don't want to sit still so Mommy can make dinner? Fine, cover the dogs in stickers. Don't want to eat the chicken, rice, and veggies I made you? Ok, have 3 cookies instead. Just please stop screaming.

Lately, I have HAD to get out of the house with her. She doesn't want to nap, doesn't want to play, doesn't want to sit in her high chair to eat. She DOES want to eat, just not in a high chair--instead wanting to roam around the house, dropping Cheerios everywhere, while the dogs happily slurp up what I don't smash with my shoes.

It has been pretty warm this winter and some frozen yogurt has been sounding good, so I decided we would go to the new Orange Leaf near our house. Mallory has only had frozen yogurt once. She was only about 7 months old at the time, it was one spoonful, and she immediately barfed it up onto my shirt.

As soon as we walked in, her eyes bugged out of her head. I mean, to a toddler this place has to look awesome. Bright orange vinyl everywhere. It was like crack for kids, except it probably won't make her teeth rot out if we brush them promptly afterward. And school had just let out, so mom after mom was coming in with a child in tow. She didn't know what to look at first.

In between bites of our pina colada yogurt (we mixed the pineapple and coconut together because that's how we roll), she "talked" to the other kids in the place, jumped on the couch, and fell out of at least three chairs. It was like Monkey Joe's--only it cost a hell of a lot less.

I think we're going to make this a weekly outing. Enjoy the pics!

I don't even have a clever title this time...

Does anyone else ever think you hit the jackpot while secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Well the other shoe dropped, and it wasn't pretty. I finally realized what I've been suspecting for years--the only thing really wrong with my husband is that he married me.

Case in point: Mallory and I have been watching The Ellen Degeneres Show for several months now. She likes all the music, clapping, and dancing. Lately, Ellen has been featuring videos of her viewers sneaking up and dancing like maniacs behind these poor, unsuspecting people. It is absolutely hilarious.

Anyway, I was thinking about these videos as I was in our master bath changing into my pjs. So I am just dancing away in my underwear when I hear Chewy coming into the bedroom. I dance out the door and there's Chewy--with Brian! I jumped and screamed so loud.

He didn't even ask what was wrong because he knows I take every opportunity to talk and I would offer a long explanation regardless. I explained about the dancing and mistaking him for Chewy, while laughing and crying so hard snot was pouring out my nose. He didn't say anything throughout this entire exchange--just smiled, shook his head, and walked off. I have these episodes so often it doesn't surprise him anymore.

Which brings me to my point...Brian leaves his socks on the floor, expects me to keep track of everything, and won't take his own dog to the groomer unless repeatedly nagged, but these are minor issues. He is fairly neat (other than the socks), always tries to make me happy, and he is a damn good baby Daddy. I have often thought he is too good to be true. Now I know his flaw...he not only puts up with me, but he LOVES me. Clearly I am not the only one in the house with mental problems.

January Quotes

I intended on making my favorite quotes an annual thing. However, when I started collecting these, I realized it would be way too much for a yearly event. So here's to a new monthly blog...the best texts, autocorrects, lunch convos, and comments from the month.

Random Texts 

It won't take you long to pack for Harlan. Flannel, gun, meth...DONE

Facetime, pooping, and Mexican...sounds awesome.

My cat just tooted in my face.

You probably deserved it.

Why are chicken minis so much better than chicken biscuits?

Mini everything is better...well, except penises.

I'm wearing Lady Gaga shoes. I can't decide whether I feel stupid or awesome.

Seriously I've been trying to drop a load all day.

Best two porn names ever: Carolina Jones & the Temple of Poon and Tiger Got Wood.

She can run around with baby sh*t on her face if she wants to but the rest of the world is gonna be laughing at her. 

I'm going to go clean something. 

How about ur ass?

They r always just too big. 

That's what she said.

Christy is one horny b*tch. 

My sex drive wouldn't be healthy combined with alcohol.

It was awkward and boring and I had gas all day.

Autocorrect Gone Wrong

Literally texted u sex I got off the phone.

SEX?!

Sorry, meant sec.

Ok, but if you start sexting me we have a problem.

So funny. Good thing I pooped already bc I'd share my pants. 

U'd share that? Thanks!

Share = shart. Wait, do u not want to share my pants with me!?!?

Nope- pretty sure there's no way in hell I could get in them.

Actually, me neither.

We are getting $7700 back on taxes.

Whoa that's awesome. Hope you're taking us all to the Bahahahas.

Yeah...um idk what that is. 

Sorry.... I meant the bwahahahma's.

Oh that totally clears it up. 

Bahamas. Geez. I need coffee. I hate waking up constipated 

And the best-autocorrect-I've-ever-seen-award goes to Lauren and her mom:

Lunch Convos

Leslie: I think they're curing cancer in there.

Megan: The three people you're talking about don't have enough brain cells combined to figure out how to pick up dog poop without getting it on their hands, let alone cure cancer!

Heather: I want Mexican.

Me: I can't afford it. Maybe we can hoe Christy out in exchange for food?

Christy: Ok, but only if I get to eat too.

Facebook Fun

Megan Kendall

January 18 near Richmond

I sadly retract my earlier status about being jealous. Totally bummed about the Miranda concert!!!

 ·  · Share

• • 
    

    Celia Moss Hammond Me too!!!!
    

    January 18 at 8:37pm · 
  • 
    

    Kristen Elam Parke Doesn't mean we still can't go out for a good time....
    

    January 18 at 8:54pm · 
  • 
    

    Anthony Mejean Did her trailer burn down?
    

    January 18 at 9:30pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    Erin Alvey Kays OMG! Anthony does it again. I peed a little.
    

    January 18 at 9:55pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    Anthony Mejean Urine is always a great compliment
    

    January 18 at 9:55pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    Megan Kendall Anthony!!!! I swear if you weren't gay I'd kick your ass.
    

    January 18 at 10:08pm · 
  • 
    

    Anthony Mejean What does being gay have to do with anything? BRING IT!
    

    January 18 at 10:08pm · 
  • 
    

    Megan Kendall It's just wouldn't be fair :)
    We both know who would win that fight!
    

    January 18 at 10:20pm ·