Tampax, Party of One

I went to my Great Aunt Geneva's 90th birthday party this weekend and let's just say I had a surprise visitor join me.

Most of the people at this party were post menopausal age, so I had no choice but to approach a hostess for help. I quietly (well, as quiet as I can be anyway) asked her if she had anything in her purse & if so could she help me out. She said she did. I tried to be discreet & get behind the podium with her, but no, she has to hand me a tampon wrapped in bright pink plastic over the podium so the entire staff & every guest waiting in the lobby can see it.

I am not easily embarrassed, so I really could care less. However, I felt bad for the 15 men in the room. From the looks on their faces, you would think I had used the damn thing at the hostess station.

Why are men so weird about this? I once had a boyfriend who when I asked him to get me some tampons from my bathroom, actually said to me, "you want me to TOUCH THEM?!" They're in a box & wrapped in plastic, dumb ass. And last time I checked, they were not coated in radioactive materials.

The day got even better from there. Mallory pooped all down her leg, covering my favorite shirt, & once again resulting in an impromptu sink bath. Then after deciding I needed a nice glass of ice tea (like that was going to fix my day?), I ended up missing my glass of ice & pouring scalding hot tea on my finger. In 24 hours, I had ruined 2 articles of clothing, got sh*t on, & given myself a 2nd degree burn.

It's days like this that make the rest of you feel better about YOUR lousy day. You're welcome.

The Klutz Strikes Again

I should not be allowed to touch anything...ever. No plates with food on them, no cans full of soda, no glass vials full of insulin & especially no ice cream cones (my dad is laughing right now). I am probably the only person in the world who can knock myself out while carrying bed rails up two steps into the front door. But that is a long, painful story for another time.

Even when I am trying to prevent a mess I end up making one. Case in point, today when I tried to save Brian's dessert from the dogs. As usual, he got up and left his tray where they could easily reach it. In my attempt to push it away from the recliner, I knocked his full can of Coke off onto the floor.

Of course it didn't pour out into a neat little puddle--that would have been easy to clean up & that's not my style. Instead, it hit the ground with such a thud that the can dented & the Coke sprayed up into the air, completely hosing down the receiver, speakers, and Mallory's Jumperoo.

Before I could clean it up, the dogs licked up every little bit of Coke they could find. How appropriate that I was worried about them eating a little piece of pie crust & they ended up getting a whole can of Coca~Cola. Not to mention that while I was panicking they got the damn pie crust too.

If you have met my dogs, you know they don't need caffeine to raise hell. I will consider myself lucky if they blink tonight, let alone sleep.

My Mommy has Pooping Problems

My family has pointed out that when I typed up the best moments in Zaine's comedic history, I missed a very important event. I am not sure how I could ever forget this one...

As all adults are supposed to do once they hit the age of 50, my mom was scheduled to get her pooper checked. My sister and Zaine accompanied her to the doctor on the day of her colonoscopy. While my mom was in the doctor's office, Kristi decided to go to Atlanta Bread Company.

While they were standing in line, Zaine loudly asked my sister, "Mommy, when are you going to get YOUR butt checked?"

The woman behind them started laughing. Not one to waste an opportunity for attention, Zaine informed her "My mommy and my Moodle have pooping problems, but my Granny doesn't."

I can only hope that my child is this hysterical.

The Spicy Chicken Monster

If you're easily grossed out, you should pick a different entry to read.

Until you're a parent, you most likely think diapers aren't that bad. I mean, it's a tiny, cute little baby right? How much can they possibly poop?

My daughter took a gargantuan dump today. I am talking an-up-to-her-neck-squishing-out-both-sides-of-the-diaper-took-a-whole-package-of-wipes-and-the-sprayer-on-the-kitchen-sink-to-clean-it-off dump.

I want to know how such a small, beautiful, delicate little girl can take a crap the size of my Yorkie. Seriously?! Up to her neck?!?! She is 7 months old, and her stomach is the size of my fist...how did she even eat enough to produce that amount of stool?

The best part is: it was not only the exact same color as a Wendy's Spicy Chicken sandwich, but it also had the same distinct aroma.

Anyone hungry?

Oh, and my mom texted me to tell me she sat down to pee and had a lightening bug in her pants. Just when I didn't think the day could get any better.