Famous Quotes of 2011

I get a kick out of thinking about hilarious things my family and friends say. I can be trying to go to sleep at night and suddenly think of something said a year ago that sends me into hysterics.

I've kept a mental list for years of Zaine's witty comments, and I decided to start keeping track of everyone else's too. Some sh*t is simply too funny to forget.

Here are my favorite moments from this year (and two older ones that still crack me up):
 
At Zaxby's -
Me: Can I get a Kiddie Meal with a Sprite to drink?
Zaine: NOOOO Auntie Erin! I don't want a KITTY Meal, I want a grilled cheese.

Brian (upon finding my pregnancy test on the counter): Is this a new thermometer?
Me: Why don't you stick it in your mouth and find out honey?

Christy: I smell Mexican food.
Me: Um, we're at Local Taco.

Brian: I'm tired of waking up to these old ladies every morning.
Me: The Golden Girls?
Brian: No, I meant you.

My mom (referring to Mallory's Halloween headband): What is that supposed to be?
Me: A pumpkin.
My mom: It looks like a dog's wiener.

My preceptor: Are you passing gas?
Our patient: Yep, and they're cat farts.
Preceptor: What's a cat fart?
Patient: You know, the kind that comes out your cat.
Preceptor: Too much information.

Me (coming home and finding Mallory's changing table ripped up): What happened!?
Brian: Casualty of war.

Brian (Five minutes into Mallory's favorite show, Blue's Clues): I can't watch this sh*t.

Me: Get me french onion soup with a wheat baguette.
Brian: Can't you order something I can pronounce?
Me: You can't say baguette?
Brian: I can say 'give me some f***ing wheat bread.'

Random texts from friends (some names have been omitted to protect the guilty):

I had a poo that looked like a dolphin tail once.

Hoes usually do have the great shoes.

I hate it when we go to CB--can't ever decide if I want breakfast or lunch.
When do u go to Central Baptist? Oh. You mean Cracker barrel.
Yes we frequently eat breakfast at Central Baptist.

I need crack.
No I think less crack would be better.

She doesn't really hang out with anyone.
Is that because no one likes her?

I could send but not receive. Isn't that the story of most girls lives?

Omg this twilight movie shows boobs !!!!!!!
They did show heaving boobies.

Speaking of ass, there was a HESI question where to give the ventrogluteal injections and it had an ass pic. You had to select where to stick the needle. It was a hot ass too. I wanted to smack it.

I'm not surprised so many guys fail OB. Most of them couldn't find their way around a who-ha to save their lives.

Lauren's knocked up that's why she is getting boobalicious.

The underwear I have on today keep giving me camel toe.

You were buying toys for kids while I was attempting suicide.

Get all gangsta on my ass if need be.

Kaplan makes me poop. I think I just lost 5 pounds.

Today I was out of clean underwear. My only option was a pair of Pepto pink Hanes briefs that I stole from my mother last time I was out of clean underwear. I have to fold them down three times to avoid my belly button.

I think I have poop in my hair.

I cannot imagine christy packing a glock.

Ew. Did u seriously just talk about my dads ham?

Holiday Fun

Careful how much you drink. You may end up like I did one year, serving your family iced Gingerporn instead of angels and snowmen.

All five of the liquor stores we passed have been packed--- proof everyone else hates their families too.

It's like a cross between Christmas Vacation & The Family Stone.

My aunt is currently talking about trimming her bush this morning.

Yeah after we cussed each other out, we are good now.

Oh you were right about my mental instability tonight.

Put a bow on your cooch. 

2011 was a great year.

I'm a nurse?

Yep, that's right. I graduated with another Bachelor's today. I'm kind of a professional student. I honestly feel like UK should be paying me, not the other way around.

This time, however, I won't have to sit in a dark cave with a giant calculator all day. As soon as I get my provisional license, I am allowed to start working as a nurse.

My life will soon revolve around diapers, pee, and bowel movements...so pretty much the same as my current title of stay-at-home mom except I will actually receive a paycheck. And hopefully none of my patients will bite my boob or yank out handfuls of my hair.

Zombie Mom

You know how people say you turn into your mom? Well, I am becoming my mom, but not my conscious mom...my mom in her sleep.

Over the years, my family has gotten so many laughs out of my mom's nighttime antics. There was the time she ran out into the hallway screaming "You get back here!!" waking everyone up (turns out she was fighting a Chinese dude & he tried to escape). Then there was the time she told my dad off for making her eat a dirty sock. One of the funniest, and most dangerous, was when she fell asleep while I was driving and scared me half to death when she suddenly shouted "Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!" Evidently she had been petting "fish with fur on them" and got creeped out.

I am turning into a psychotic sleeper as well. I am going to chalk this up to one more fun side effect of having children, since this has started in the 13 months my daughter has been with us. I'm almost positive it's because I've learned how to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream while still being just aware enough to listen for my kid.

I am pretty anxious during storms because we live in a tiny house with no interior rooms in a subdivision that has been bulldozed by a tornado once already. But...having a newborn and no sleep meant when I did finally get to lay down I could sleep through ANYTHING. I could be whisked away to Oz with Dorothy & Toto and not have a clue til the next morning. I always sleep with the tv on if it's storming so I can wake up & see what Bill Meck has to say about weather conditions. One night I was up waaaaaaayyyy past my bedtime because of the tornado sirens. Finally around 4 a.m., I couldn't hold my eyes open and passed out. Next thing I know, Brian is asking me "what the hell are you doing? Get back in the bed." To which I frantically replied "But we HAVE to get out of here-there is a tornado!" Not only am I yelling and making zero sense, but I have picked up the baby (then about 5 months old), and I am bolting for the hallway with her.

I've done a lot of talking and laughing in my sleep since then. But it got really weird this week when I woke up to find myself sitting up in bed, leaning over Brian, and picking at his hair. It took me a minute to realize I was dreaming about Mallory making a big mess and I was trying to clean it up. I didn't wake Brian up, but I was laughing hysterically for 30 minutes so I couldn't go back to sleep! I asked him the next morning if I woke him up at all, and he said "no, but you're always picking at me so I probably wouldn't even notice."

I've officially cracked.

Boob Acrobatics

Before Mallory came along, there were so many things I didn't know about babies. I didn't realize how much they pooped or how much they screamed. I definitely didn't know how much a breastfed newborn eats.

What surprised me most, though, is the things they can do while breastfeeding. Not only do they want to eat every hour, but I had no idea a child could hang upside down off your boob & touch the floor--all without letting go? Which brings me to my next fascinating discovery: I didn't know nipples could stretch up to 4 feet.

It's not just hanging off my lap. It's toes in my mouth, legs flung over my shoulder, using my thighs to "bounce" on, and barking along with the dogs. Amazing how many things a little person can do while simultaneously nursing.

I am in awe that my tatas can withstand such a force.

Sassy Britches

My kid has really been showing her personality lately...and I'm scared.

A few weeks ago, she suddenly learned the word "no." I was getting dressed, and she was after a pile of magazines. I said "no, no Mallory don't touch." she looked at me, shook her head & replied "nenenene." Then she did it anyway. Next, it was the toilet paper. She started unrolling it, I told her no. She told me "nenenene," then unrolled half of it before I could pry it from her hand.

By the time of her 9 month check up, she had gotten totally out of control. We arrived at the doctor (late of course because that's how we roll), and the receptionist said "And what is her name?" Mallory gave her this look like "You'll know my name by the time I leave here." The receptionist said "Look at that smirk she's giving me! Someone has some attitude!"

Telling Mommy Nenenenene

After we got settled in the exam room, there was--as always--a long wait for the doctor. Mallory tried to either eat or shred all of the paper on the exam table while we waited. When the doctor arrived, she tried to listen to her heart and lungs and Mallory stole her stethoscope. She tried THREE times to look at Mallory's ears. Each attempt got her a smack in the face. After she finally got a good look, she told Mallory, "Good girl. I am all done with your ears." Mallory waved and told her "buh bye." The doctor said, "Well, I guess the exam's over!" Then she told her she was "Sassy."

Later the same night, she yelled at me while I ate dinner. I tried to feed her, but Ms. Independent Sassy Pants wanted to do it herself. She grabbed a 2.5 oz jar of prunes from my hand and proceeded to bath herself in it. When I took it away, she threw such a wild fit, the seat back on her high chair came loose (even though I usually have a hard time getting it to recline). She screamed at me so hard zucchini came out her nose...twice.

The first day of school arrived, & my mom came over to watch Mallory. As soon as her Grandmoodle walked in, she was DONE with me. I told her bye several times without so much as a glance from her. I walked over to kiss her on the head...she swatted at me & ducked so I couldn't get to her.

If this much attitude can fit in this small little package, I can't wait to see what she is going to do when she gets bigger.

50 Ways to Procrastinate Studying for a Nursing Exam

1) Clean the lint out of your dryer.

2) Go pee. Even if you don't need to.

3) Eat a snack. Even if you're not hungry.

4) Brush your hair or teeth every time you pass a bathroom. Like peeing or eating, it doesn't matter if it's necessary--just do it.

5) Now would be a perfect time to trim your split ends.

6) Ditto for an eyebrow grooming.

7) Pin every picture you see to Pinterest. Who cares if you're actually interested? Or if your friends aren't? If they're in nursing school, they're doing it too.

8) Text everyone in your class to discuss how awful the test will be & bitch about how you really should be studying.

9) Watch a movie. It's okay if you don't even like the movie...that's not the point.

10) Refill your dog's food & water bowls every time they get below the full line.

11) Play fetch with dog. Or your kid.

12) Try on all your skinny jeans. Cooler weather will be here in two months & you MUST be prepared.

13) Now that you've found those perfect jeans, you have to find the right knee high boots for fall. Get thee to the Internet!!!

14) While you're on the net, don't forget to hop on Facebook & comment and/or like everyone's statuses, pics, videos, etc. Now make sure you repeat this every 15 minutes until test time.

15) Clean your toilets.

16) Wash every cup or plate you use right away...BY HAND! You don't need to bother with that perfectly functioning, overpriced new dishwasher.

17) Have your sister come over & bring you a box with 4,000 coupons in it. Sort through them all. Some may expire four months from now, but by God you better straighten them out NOW!

18) Color your hair. It's alright if you just did it a week ago. And if it's not the best color ever, go ahead and color it again.

19) It's a great time to start a craft project! Wanna learn to knit? Go for it!

20) Head to Taco Bell. What's better than interpreting ECG's at 2 a.m.? A fourthmeal!!!

21) Catch up on True Blood. Where else can you hear things like "oh sh*t...Marnie just puked a b*tch up."

22) Make a list of your top ten jokes about your friend Christy's mom.

23) Go to the grocery. Don't take a list...that way you will forget half of it and be forced to make several trips.

24) Have pictures that have been laying around for years!? Why not organize them in an album now? Better yet, get to Michael's for new supplies & make a complicated, intricate scrapbook for every year you've been alive.

25) Clean out & reorganize all your kitchen cabinets. I mean, in the long run you're saving yourself time. It will be so much easier to find things when you're running late for the nursing test you're putting off studying for.

26) Refill all the tp, paper towels, and Kleenex in your house. You will need the extra tp after your Taco Bell run.

27) Alphabetize your DVD collection.

28) Organize all of your hardback books according to the cover color.

29) While you're getting super organized, don't forget your closet. It's imperative that you have fancy shirts together, semi fancy shirts together, & not so fancy shirts together.

30) You probably should go ahead & sort your underwear drawer too.

31) Cut your toenails. Paint them while you're down there.

32) Don't have a color suitable for an I'm-enjoying-the-end-of-my-summer-by-avoiding-facing-the-reality-that-school-has-started-again statement? Ulta & their fabulous collection of OPI polish is calling you.

33) Do you have a Twitter account? You do now.

34) Make Christmas lists. For yourself, your parents, your dog, whoever. You only have 81 days 'til Black Friday arrives.

35) Today is a great day to sweep the dust bunnies out from under your bed.

36) Organize all your school notes and binders. Don't worry about reading them yet, just get them neat & in order.

37) Got some stuff you don't want? List it all on eBay. You may not get an 'A' on your test, but you'll have $50 in your pocket.

38) How many Hershey Kisses can YOU stuff in your mouth? If you don't know, there's no better time to find out.

39) Drink LOTS of coffee in preparation for your eventual studying. You may be jittery & unable to blink, but you will have the art of iced coffee making down pat.

40) Do all that laundry that has been piling up. It is always a good idea to wash your curtains, bedspread, or anything else that comes to mind.

41) Now that you've down some laundry, better check that lint trap again.

42) All the organizing and lint trap clearing has filled at least four trash bags. Time to make a few trips outside to toss it!

43) Never seen Jersey Shore? If nursing school has you feeling like less than a genius, looking at "The Situation" for 30 minutes will have you feeling like a rocket scientist.

44) While you're on the MTV kick, google to see what "Speidi" has been up to. Life just hasn't been the same without Heidi's jacked up nose job & Spencer's chin pubes.

45) Look at the NCLEX apps available on your iPhone. Once you download one, you will immediately feel like you've made some progress this semester-even if you never use the app.

46) Have you flossed your teeth today? Bonus if you're out of floss and this results in another grocery run.

47) Up at 4 a.m. to cram? Watch some infomercials. It is quite possible the Pajama Jeans could change your life.

48) The music on your iPod is starting to get on your nerves, isn't it? I think you need a new playlist.

49) Hey-since you're already at the computer working on that playlist, go ahead & clear off your camera. You need to check Facebook again anyway, so you might as well upload the last year's worth of pictures to your profile, right?

50) Waste your time reading some crazy person's blog. Did you really read the blog title & think this was a productive use of ten minutes?! Get back to work slacker!

Autocorrect says what!?

I have been reading damnyouautocorrect.com long before I got an iPhone. I always thought that, while hilarious, these things were so fake.

I FINALLY got an iPhone about a week ago, and I can now say I'll believe anything I see on that site. Where does it come up with some of this stuff?

Best autocorrect moment of the week goes to my convo with Christy S.:

We were discussing her reviewing her nclex book, as she is highly paranoid & already worrying about our final semester.

I told her to download a naked app so she could study. She said "how will that help me?" I guess my iPhone thought she needed help with some other problems besides nursing.