Surviving Vacation

We took Mallory on her first vacation this month and...we survived! I was not sure how this trip would go with a teething baby who still doesn't sleep through the night and a husband who gets crabby if he is too tired, too hot, or spends too much time trapped in a car with a woman who talks too much.

The 9 hour drive was a total success, as Mallory slept through the night for the first time EVER! I owe a huge thank you to the makers of the Britax Marathon because I believe they are entirely responsible for our peace and quiet. She never slept more than 30 minutes at a time in her old car seat.

We went by my cousin Ashleigh's house first. She lives in Hubert, NC with her hubby Casey (who is a Marine and away for the summer) and their almost 1 year old Cayman. Mallory & Cayman had a good time going for walks together each night and playing with Cayman's jumperoo.

We brought Ashleigh a peach pie from Kroger since she doesn't have Kroger in Hubert. I tried a little slice and it was yummy. More to follow on the pie.

After a few days, we went on to Myrtle Beach to meet up with our families. What a week. I saw the beach a total of 4 hours I think. Little did I know that Mallory's first tooth would be making its debut a day or two after vacation and would torment her the entire trip. She didn't sleep, refused to eat solid food, pooped every 2 hours, and screamed like a banshee every time I tried to put a bathing suit on her. So while Brian had a relaxing week of golf, fishing, and Bud Light, I had a nice view of the condo walls. Luckily, my mother-in-law took pity on me and tried to help when she could.

Did I mention I had a final exam during this week?

The highlight of the week was my quest for a peach pie like I had delivered to Ashleigh a few days earlier. On our first night at the beach, I picked up a pie labeled "peach" at Kroger. I got back to the condo and attacked that pie like I had never eaten. After shoving it violently in my mouth, I realized it was apple pie. This may not sound like a problem. However, when I have a craving I don't settle for something else. And apple is like my 2nd to least favorite pie behind pecan. I made sure everyone knew about my disappointment.

The next day, Brian and my dad went to Kroger for groceries. I told Brian to get a peach pie, and I stressed "make sure it's not APPLE." When he got back, I ripped the pie out of his hand and sniffed it...apple again. Not one but TWO labels on the container mocked me by clearly stating "peach pie."

For the rest of the week, I heard comments such as "I think I'll go have a piece of peach pie" or "What would YOU like for dessert Erin?" Good thing I have a sense of humor. By the time I got home, I was obsessed with peach pie. I finally got my long awaited peach pie this week, and I was not let down. It is delicious, and it makes up for every bit of the struggle.

All in all, the first vacation with baby was a lot of work when I add up all the hours I spent packing, unpacking, washing her clothes, cleaning up poop & puke, lathering her in sunscreen, squeezing her immense fat rolls into teeny swimsuits, and trying to convince her in a frantic whisper to "please go to sleep before you wake the entire condo." It was still a GOOD vacation though. Yes my husband is grouchy & doesn't always recognize that I need help with the baby, and yes the baby makes me exhausted and bonkers when she gets in these moods. Each of us were healthy enough to make the trip, we got to spend the week with our families, and Mallory got to see the beach for the first time. Pain in the butt or not, the time together is precious. Can't wait to go again next year.

Father's Day

Brian's first Father's Day weekend was mostly successful. Mallory was in a good mood about 50% of the time, which is better than usual since this teething madness has started.

She got her Daddy a basket of goodies for work, which included a #1 Dad coffee mug with her picture on it.

Even though I am almost a week late, I would like to share some of my favorite Daddy pics.

Did everyone else have a great Father's Day? Here's hoping it made up for the hell the kids put you through the other 364 days a year. ;)

My comedic muse, Mr. Zaine Miracle

I often share my stories about my nephew Zaine, who is now 8 years old, and I get a big laugh. I have been making a mental note for months of all the hilarious things he has said and done, so this is my written tribute to the funniest kid I have ever met--Jacob Zaine Miracle.

One of my earliest experiences with Zaine's humor happened at my Mammaw's when he was a little over 2 years old. He was in his high chair & seated at the end of the table. My parents, Mammaw, and my other set of grandparents, Mimi & Paw, were seated at the table eating dinner. He was half-eating, half-playing with his slices of American cheese when he suddenly tried to put a slimy, slobbery piece in my mouth. I gagged and almost lost my dinner. Everyone at the table, including me, laughed uncontrollably. I was in tears (I mean, this was some NASTY cheese), and Zaine looked around at us and said, "We're ALL laughing," then proceeded to throw his head back & crack up at me with the rest of the family. It was a small start in his comedy career, but I will forever remember that moment when he discovered his ability to make us all laugh. It was also a big step because he hadn't been talking much, and we were getting anxious for him to start using sentences instead of a few words here and there.

A few months later, closer to his 3rd birthday, he got a little more talkative and started expanding his comedic horizons. My parents & I had been telling him that old joke that goes, "How do you scare a bee?" Answer: "Boo-bee." For the millionth time, we asked Zaine the question, hoping he would give us his cute little response. Instead, Zaine looks at us and states, "I'd call it a b*tch." I somehow got the blame for this one, but I promise Auntie Erin did not teach him that one.

He continued to amuse us endlessly, but when he hit the age of 5 his sense of humor went through the roof. He enjoyed testing the limit and seeing what he could get away with. One day we were watching one of those dog shows on Animal Planet, and he said, "Auntie Erin, that judge just called that dog a BITCH!" I said, "Yes, Zaine. That is what female dogs are called." Zaine sat in total silence for about 2 minutes. He finally replied, "So...Porkchop's a bitch." It wasn't even a question, just a statement. I laughed so hard I fell off the couch . Eventually, I had to pretend to be the responsible aunt and explain to him that he still can't say that word regardless of the context.

Anyone who has hung around me very long knows I am all about a good "mom" joke. Zaine heard these jokes day in & day out and of course he never got them. He was eating lunch at my house and sitting sideways in the chair. The dogs were circling him, long ago having figured out he was their best chance at getting some scraps. I said to him, "Zaine, turn around and sit up in your chair before Porkchop eats your biscuit." He looked at me and said matter-of-factly, "Porkchop's gonna eat your mom's biscuit." I almost peed in my pants. He didn't know exactly how perfect his mom joke was but when he saw my reaction, he proclaimed "that was my first big hilarious joke!"

On Halloween a few years ago, I asked my mom if my outfit made my butt look fat. Zaine replied for her, "Your butt looks a little bit fat." When I got mad at him, he responded, "What? I only said a LITTLE BIT fat." Apparently he had not yet mastered the male art of answering a loaded question.

Zaine went in my bathroom one day, and he came back out with a strange look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and he told me something in the bathroom scared him. I said, "Oh, it was the Glade Sense 'n Spray. It sprays air freshener whenever someone gets near it." Zaine thought for a minute, as he always does, then answered, "How did it know I needed to go #2?"

After I miscarried with our first baby, Zaine was full of questions. It is a difficult thing for a kid to understand. He grilled me relentlessly wanting details. His biggest question was, "Exactly HOW are you going to get pregnant again Auntie Erin?" I told him to ask his mom. She explained to him the bare minimum and told him not to go to school talking about it to his friends. He replied, "I wouldn't tell my friends that. They probably wouldn't even believe me. And they'd probably throw up because that's DISGUSTING!"

This year I got him one of those giant suckers you dip in Pop Rocks candy for a Valentine's gift. He somehow broke the sucker, stepped on a sharp piece of it, and hurt his toe. If you know the drama queen that is Zaine you can picture the next scene. He rolled around in the floor, holding his foot, and fake crying. He announced to my sister that Valentine's gifts are "supposed to bring LOVE, not pain."

And finally my personal favorite: During his 2nd grade year, Zaine approached my sister as she was getting ready to take him to school and told her, "Mommy I need to change my pants. I gambled on a fart and lost." Yep, he had pooped his pants.

I could go on & on all day, but these are some of my funniest memories of the best nephew I could ask for. I am delighted to take part in developing his often inappropriate sense of humor. I am one proud aunt. Love you, Zaine.

The bearded lady?

When I got pregnant, I worried about the usual: stretch marks and a saggy, jiggly stomach. No one told me about the other crazy side effects.

I have recently discovered I am growing a beard. Yes, you read that right. On a daily basis, I find at least 3 new thick, wiry chin pubes. What is this about?

I am now using enough Gigi's Wax to keep a Sally Beauty Store in business.

I guess since I didn't get the stretch marks at all and my belly is rapidly shrinking to almost nothing, this is my punishment?!?!

On the other hand, maybe it's a blessing...wax is definitely cheaper than a tummy tuck and StriVectin.

A great day after a week of blah...

Mallory felt AWESOME today! After a week and 1/2 of the extreme grouchiness that can come with teething we finally had a happy day.

She got up around 8 a.m. We shared a banana and played while Mommy drank her coffee. I tried & tried to get a picture of her first tooth that is barely peeking through, but every time I snapped the pic she stuck her tongue out.

When breakfast was over, her & Chewy "helped" Mommy work out. Next we got ready for lunch at Smashing Tomato with some fun friends from ecampus. We decided on a super cute pink & orange sundress from Mimi. Mallory has to look good when she hits the town.

I was a little scared about lunch since she has had a rough time lately, but she sat up in her high chair with one foot propped up and "talked" to everyone. She was a very sweet girl.

After lunch, we went to the Dollar Tree & Kroger to pick up some Father's Day goodies. Mallory rode in her Kokopax (a backpack carrier) on both trips and didn't make a peep. She did, however, flash her precious little smile at every person who passed her & exclaimed "What a pretty baby!" She knows when she is getting a compliment already...I am going to have my hands full with this one.

We got done shopping and came home for a nice long nap & a chat with our Mammaw. I am not sure who was more worn out today, but the nap refreshed us for dinner. We made Daddy some pasta with zucchini & squash and a yummy salad with tomato & cucumber. Then Mallory ate her sweet potatoes and corn and some pears for dessert.

Finally, we all had our bedtime ritual of diapering, changing clothes, brushing our teeth & hair, and Daddy reading a book. Tonight was "Walter the Farting Dog." Mallory got really excited about the book and tried to kick it out of his hand while he read. When she got sleepy enough and decided to stop kicking, we all cuddled until she fell asleep.

Just a normal day, but a perfect day. And she only pooped ONCE. I am such a lucky girl.

I have a serious case of CRS

Can't remember sh*t that is...

Everyone kept telling me while I was pregnant, "You think your memory is bad now, wait til the baby gets here." I hate to admit that they are right...but they are right. Having kids gives you a CRS disorder. Why didn't I learn this in nursing school?

After reading a former co-worker's blog today, I decided to start my own--just to hang on to those amazing memories that sometimes get lost in the haziness of my sleep-deprived-stay-at-home-mom-dog-sitter-nursing-school-student life.

With a 7 month old daughter, 2 small dogs, a niece, a nephew, a character of a husband, and some crazy nursing school experiences, my life is pretty damn funny. My friends seem to enjoy my stories so much it would be a shame to lose them. So we start here.

I don't have much time at the moment, but I would like to memorialize what I found when I went in the living room to eat my lunch. Exactly what message is Chewy trying to send me?

I have to go now--Mallory just filled her pants (again).