Random Texts
My grandfather got those injections (for macular degeneration).
Worked really well...until he croaked.
I wonder if the faces on the divers diving is the same face as their @?%* faces.
I'm definitely pro gay. I love Christy's mom.
I'm going to name kid #2 Harlan in honor of Christy.
Kristi is knocked up too. Due a week or so after me.
You two are just horn dogs.
Who knew boobs could sweat this much. My pits can't keep up.
I like how we all say dude before and/or after every sentence.
I do like saying dude.
It's the ninja turtles that taught us.
The roads are all closed! Lake Reba is flooded too!
Lake Reba?! Wow that's when you know you're a hillbilly.
It's just down the holler from me!
Female bodies suck and are crazy. Though babies are a nice result from it.
I was questioning that yesterday when my child was biting me and throwing crackers at my head.
That lunch gave me gas.
Whew, I wondered what the hell was going on!
I've been reading 50 Shades and it is ridiculous. I have been non-stop wanting sex...and I don't even like my husband.
I scratched my cornea today looking at a card. I accidentally poked myself!
Why was the card even near your eye? Was it scratch n sniff?
It was stickers actually. Smelled like chocolate! Haven't seen them in years and couldn't resist!
Did you buy the stickers?
No.
See nothing in life is free....not even smells.
Had to cath a big lady today. Her business looked like it had chunks of feta cheese in it.
Did it make you hungry?
I need socks and panties too.
Woah. Seeing things. I thought my phone changed that to COCKS for a second.
If you need cocks I can't help you.
Did you know that there are lots of stray dogs in Moscow and they figured out how to ride the subway and memorize the stops with the best food?
That's pretty impressive. I can barely remember my address.
I pass up my own driveway sometimes.
I think I'm around 5 weeks. Prob got knocked up jun 30-jul 1.
You would be further along than five weeks. I got knocked up on the 11th.
Idk then. I don't make a sex calendar like you apparently do.
My husband made me mad so I just spent $170 on a floor cleaning robot.
I farted & it smells like those damn potatoes you like at taco bell.
Sick dude. Now I want potatoes.
I'm sick but you're the one who wants potatoes?
I had Wong Zone. It was delicious.
We're going to old Chicago where I plan to stuff my face. We get pepperoni rolls & $5 margaritas.
Does Wong Zone deliver to you? And why does my phone keep changing wing to Wong?
They have like 50 flavors.
50 margaritas?
Or 50 Wongs?
No one needs 50 wongs.
No one does, but I think Christy would try.
I had Wong Zone for lunch and Jalapeños for dinner. I'm going to take a monster dump in the morning.
Sounds awesome...
The food not the dump.
I'm tired. I NEED another frosty and I have the wedgie from HELL.
Why do chatty Cathys always call when u need to poop?
I wish she would retire her fake southern accent. I've been listening to it Since 7 pm & it's not sounding any more authentic.
I love my dog. I think it's weird how much I like her.
I want the bean n cheese one.
Me too but I didn't get it bc didn't want to wake up farting.
I think I took some lady night but head is stopped up so taking more.
You took a lady?
I don't want to know about this.
I'm picking my nose in the car. What should I do with it?
Smear it on the window.
What cracks me up is her grossing out about people eating boogers when she lets those nasty butt slurping dogs sleep in her bed.
All About B@@BS
I HATE wearing bras. I'll never be able to casually date someone because as soon as we walk in the door, I MUST rip it off.
I hate not wearing one because my boobs are almost non existent.
Mine apparently cannot be contained and bust out of every bra I have.
And you think that would be bad in casual dating? I think he'd love it. He'd be like free boobies! Yay - watch em bounce!
Maybe you should get refitted. Mine cut down on the flop factor.
It's not really the size it's because they sit up so high. I mean I can barely look down without hitting them with my chin. And they don't bounce. They don't go anywhere.
Mine hurt and I totally just grabbed one in public. Oh well, someone probably enjoyed it.
At Work
I don't know what to do with these. How about someone just shoves them up their rectum?
What are you doing?
Sitting here looking at meat.
Can you move that chair out of the way honey so i can wash my twat? (yes, a patient actually said this)
Other Funny Sh*t
Me: The Backstreet Boys are having a reunion tour. Wanna go?
Brian: Actually I've already seen them.
Mallory: Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!
Brian: Why do you keep yelling no? What does that mean?
Mallory: No means NO!
My mom to Mallory: Don't color the kitty's butt. Kitties don't like their butts colored.
Random boy at Monkey Joes: I don't see why she [Mallory] needs THREE pieces of chalk when we only have one.
Me: Because she is a girl and the sooner you learn to make them happy, the easier your life will be.
Brian: Ahhh I feel good today. I finally did what that bitch wanted and now everything is all messed up. Feels great to be right.
Me: Well I'm glad you get to be right at work at least.
Me: My log in still doesn't work. I give up. I'll just never have access to our bank account again.
Brian: Maybe that's for the best. Always assume there's zero.
