Random Texts
Is it acceptable to walk down the street and dig at my ass?
I just found lube in my pocket.
My crotch itches...razor burn.
You smell like roasted chicken.
I am a Cheez-it connoisseur.
I mixed two bottles of almost-empty lotion. The result looks like curdled milk...or the product of a yeast infection.
Shut the hell up and get me some bread, cheese, and sangria. I can't take this anymore. I am really going to die. At least your boobs are getting noticed.
How did I get a message from u at 9:10 when my phone says its only 9:09?
I'm just that good I guess.
His chin looked like an old deflated coochie.
I ordered k cups in my sleep!!
I just found a Cheerio in my panties.
Going thru nursing school on a Wong and a prayer doesn't really include attendance.
Wing not Wong.
Well I guess technically you were on a Wong much of the time.
Dude, I've almost peed myself several times!!!
You really need to see a urologist about that problem.
I just washed my ass. It's sea mineral fresh if anyone wants to sniff.
I'm so drunk I just followed my boyfriend into the men's bathroom. I was kicked out. He didn't want me to see his peeper.
What?!? He wants to keep up the mystery about what it does?
I'm thinking about getting a blizzard...Of course I'd have to be naked to eat it bc my pants are so freaking tight.
That cake batter blizzard looks sexy to me.
My boyfriend found his mothers notepad in the car by accident and she had a "pray for salvation" list. First two names were mine & his.
At least she cares. Maybe.
You missed it, Erin was at a loss for words. I don't think that's ever happened before.
I want the 3d grilled cheeseburger from steak n shake.
What? We are talking about fake penises. Where did that fit in?
It's all meat. Well figuratively.
Where the hell are you guys?
Your mom's house.
The sluts are being too quiet. I'm kinda scared.
The Redken stuff smelled awesome. I smelled Brachytherapy.
Lmao. Smelled like sealed sources huh?
Beachy. Clearly that was autocorrect bc I didn't even know what brachytherapy was.
No one likes a grumpy hoe.
I'm all yours.
Kinky.
I just bought 50 shades of grey. Don't judge me. I paid, stuffed in my purse and scurried out of target so no one would see what I'd done.
Let's order a bunch and share.
We might have to all get something different and share.
Jinx. Erin owns Heather a coke.
I own her Coke??!? I must be rich!!
Thankful for a job. BUT I'd like to have a normal schedule. I feel like a zombie...and I have gas.
I'm finishing mulching, then shower then bed.
Mulching sounds dirty. Is that a new sex position I don't know about?
I'm curious about 50 Shades of Grey too. I don't think I'd get through the first chapter without stopping. I'd want to get busy.
That's because you're a horndog.
True Dat.
My aunt asked me in front of my mom and grandmother if I shaved my crotch. I about died.
Crazy Kids
I had a patient with a five year old son. While I was assessing her, the little boy ran over to me, stuck a straw on my boob, and started slurping. His mom informed me, "We just attended a breastfeeding class."
Kristi: I asked Zoe where she put her poptart she pulled me over to her highchair. The poptart was buckled up.
Me: Safety first dude.
My kid has to be in bed by 8. It's like a switch is flipped then and she is suddenly a serial killer.
Did i tell you all my kid's pits smell like seafood?
I thought they smelled like old cheese?
Not anymore.
I think I'd prefer the cheese.
I don't know. It kinda makes me want clam strips.
Random
Brian: I guess Yorkies are just better when they're dead.
You just gave me your crabs.
An oldie but a goodie:
The first time I brought Brian home to meet my family, the ENTIRE family was there (aunts, grandparents etc). My aunt Kim interrogated Brian about his life and found out he was in college and basically broke. She loudly announced "Well she isn't dating you for the money...must be the sex." I think that was the reddest I've seen Brian's face in the 7 years we've been together. Leave it to Kim.
