Sassy Britches

My kid has really been showing her personality lately...and I'm scared.

A few weeks ago, she suddenly learned the word "no." I was getting dressed, and she was after a pile of magazines. I said "no, no Mallory don't touch." she looked at me, shook her head & replied "nenenene." Then she did it anyway. Next, it was the toilet paper. She started unrolling it, I told her no. She told me "nenenene," then unrolled half of it before I could pry it from her hand.

By the time of her 9 month check up, she had gotten totally out of control. We arrived at the doctor (late of course because that's how we roll), and the receptionist said "And what is her name?" Mallory gave her this look like "You'll know my name by the time I leave here." The receptionist said "Look at that smirk she's giving me! Someone has some attitude!"

Telling Mommy Nenenenene

After we got settled in the exam room, there was--as always--a long wait for the doctor. Mallory tried to either eat or shred all of the paper on the exam table while we waited. When the doctor arrived, she tried to listen to her heart and lungs and Mallory stole her stethoscope. She tried THREE times to look at Mallory's ears. Each attempt got her a smack in the face. After she finally got a good look, she told Mallory, "Good girl. I am all done with your ears." Mallory waved and told her "buh bye." The doctor said, "Well, I guess the exam's over!" Then she told her she was "Sassy."

Later the same night, she yelled at me while I ate dinner. I tried to feed her, but Ms. Independent Sassy Pants wanted to do it herself. She grabbed a 2.5 oz jar of prunes from my hand and proceeded to bath herself in it. When I took it away, she threw such a wild fit, the seat back on her high chair came loose (even though I usually have a hard time getting it to recline). She screamed at me so hard zucchini came out her nose...twice.

The first day of school arrived, & my mom came over to watch Mallory. As soon as her Grandmoodle walked in, she was DONE with me. I told her bye several times without so much as a glance from her. I walked over to kiss her on the head...she swatted at me & ducked so I couldn't get to her.

If this much attitude can fit in this small little package, I can't wait to see what she is going to do when she gets bigger.

50 Ways to Procrastinate Studying for a Nursing Exam

1) Clean the lint out of your dryer.

2) Go pee. Even if you don't need to.

3) Eat a snack. Even if you're not hungry.

4) Brush your hair or teeth every time you pass a bathroom. Like peeing or eating, it doesn't matter if it's necessary--just do it.

5) Now would be a perfect time to trim your split ends.

6) Ditto for an eyebrow grooming.

7) Pin every picture you see to Pinterest. Who cares if you're actually interested? Or if your friends aren't? If they're in nursing school, they're doing it too.

8) Text everyone in your class to discuss how awful the test will be & bitch about how you really should be studying.

9) Watch a movie. It's okay if you don't even like the movie...that's not the point.

10) Refill your dog's food & water bowls every time they get below the full line.

11) Play fetch with dog. Or your kid.

12) Try on all your skinny jeans. Cooler weather will be here in two months & you MUST be prepared.

13) Now that you've found those perfect jeans, you have to find the right knee high boots for fall. Get thee to the Internet!!!

14) While you're on the net, don't forget to hop on Facebook & comment and/or like everyone's statuses, pics, videos, etc. Now make sure you repeat this every 15 minutes until test time.

15) Clean your toilets.

16) Wash every cup or plate you use right away...BY HAND! You don't need to bother with that perfectly functioning, overpriced new dishwasher.

17) Have your sister come over & bring you a box with 4,000 coupons in it. Sort through them all. Some may expire four months from now, but by God you better straighten them out NOW!

18) Color your hair. It's alright if you just did it a week ago. And if it's not the best color ever, go ahead and color it again.

19) It's a great time to start a craft project! Wanna learn to knit? Go for it!

20) Head to Taco Bell. What's better than interpreting ECG's at 2 a.m.? A fourthmeal!!!

21) Catch up on True Blood. Where else can you hear things like "oh sh*t...Marnie just puked a b*tch up."

22) Make a list of your top ten jokes about your friend Christy's mom.

23) Go to the grocery. Don't take a list...that way you will forget half of it and be forced to make several trips.

24) Have pictures that have been laying around for years!? Why not organize them in an album now? Better yet, get to Michael's for new supplies & make a complicated, intricate scrapbook for every year you've been alive.

25) Clean out & reorganize all your kitchen cabinets. I mean, in the long run you're saving yourself time. It will be so much easier to find things when you're running late for the nursing test you're putting off studying for.

26) Refill all the tp, paper towels, and Kleenex in your house. You will need the extra tp after your Taco Bell run.

27) Alphabetize your DVD collection.

28) Organize all of your hardback books according to the cover color.

29) While you're getting super organized, don't forget your closet. It's imperative that you have fancy shirts together, semi fancy shirts together, & not so fancy shirts together.

30) You probably should go ahead & sort your underwear drawer too.

31) Cut your toenails. Paint them while you're down there.

32) Don't have a color suitable for an I'm-enjoying-the-end-of-my-summer-by-avoiding-facing-the-reality-that-school-has-started-again statement? Ulta & their fabulous collection of OPI polish is calling you.

33) Do you have a Twitter account? You do now.

34) Make Christmas lists. For yourself, your parents, your dog, whoever. You only have 81 days 'til Black Friday arrives.

35) Today is a great day to sweep the dust bunnies out from under your bed.

36) Organize all your school notes and binders. Don't worry about reading them yet, just get them neat & in order.

37) Got some stuff you don't want? List it all on eBay. You may not get an 'A' on your test, but you'll have $50 in your pocket.

38) How many Hershey Kisses can YOU stuff in your mouth? If you don't know, there's no better time to find out.

39) Drink LOTS of coffee in preparation for your eventual studying. You may be jittery & unable to blink, but you will have the art of iced coffee making down pat.

40) Do all that laundry that has been piling up. It is always a good idea to wash your curtains, bedspread, or anything else that comes to mind.

41) Now that you've down some laundry, better check that lint trap again.

42) All the organizing and lint trap clearing has filled at least four trash bags. Time to make a few trips outside to toss it!

43) Never seen Jersey Shore? If nursing school has you feeling like less than a genius, looking at "The Situation" for 30 minutes will have you feeling like a rocket scientist.

44) While you're on the MTV kick, google to see what "Speidi" has been up to. Life just hasn't been the same without Heidi's jacked up nose job & Spencer's chin pubes.

45) Look at the NCLEX apps available on your iPhone. Once you download one, you will immediately feel like you've made some progress this semester-even if you never use the app.

46) Have you flossed your teeth today? Bonus if you're out of floss and this results in another grocery run.

47) Up at 4 a.m. to cram? Watch some infomercials. It is quite possible the Pajama Jeans could change your life.

48) The music on your iPod is starting to get on your nerves, isn't it? I think you need a new playlist.

49) Hey-since you're already at the computer working on that playlist, go ahead & clear off your camera. You need to check Facebook again anyway, so you might as well upload the last year's worth of pictures to your profile, right?

50) Waste your time reading some crazy person's blog. Did you really read the blog title & think this was a productive use of ten minutes?! Get back to work slacker!